"Sorry. You're right, when I'm nervous I tend to lash out. I'll try harder." Her head turned toward Maggie and she forced a smile. "Sorry, Mags."
Maggie nodded her head, her eyes fixated on her purse. The anxiety in the room made mine increase. What had I gotten myself into? The real question was, where was Jeanine? It was her fault I had to be the referee to a group of troubled women. Hell, who am I kidding? I need this group, maybe more than they do.
“Norma, how are you doing over there?” Her calmness kept the energy in the room tolerable, but that was supposed to be my job.
“I’m fine, dear.” I could tell her smile was forced this time. She wasn’t fine. If she were, why was she here?
When I looked up from Norma, I saw a face peering in the small, rectangular window in the door. It was Jeanine. Maybe she was coming to rescue me after all. I motioned for her to come in. As the door opened, the women in the group turned around to greet her. She was not alone.
A familiar woman stood at her side. I searched my memory to place who this woman was. I knew I had seen her before. I see a lot of people here at work, it was not uncommon for me to draw a blank, but this time, it was different. I felt connected to this woman, so much so that the other ladies faded from my vision.
“Sorry to interrupt ladies, but I have a new member for your group.” Jeanine smiled as she patted the woman on the back. “This is Jane, she will be joining you.”
Jane. I couldn’t get rid of her if I wanted to. Jane looked at me, smiled, and sat between Norma and Sonya. Seeing Jane brought the images of Carmen back to me, just as the newspaper headline had done only hours before.
“Thanks, Jeanine, will you be joining us as well?” I knew the answer before I asked but wanted to put her on the spot.
“No, not today. I’ve got a meeting to run to.” At the door, she waved to the five of us and shut it behind her.
“Welcome, Jane. Glad you are joining us today.” The other women nodded, as though in agreement with me. “We were just getting to know each other a little bit, this is our first meeting.”
“Thanks.” She pushed her straw-like brown hair behind her ear. “I’m here because of my baby, Carmen.” Her words pierced my chest as they left her mouth, like an arrow into a target. “I just found out that… that… she killed herself.” She took a crumpled-up tissue out of her jeans pocket and dabbed at her eyes. They were both dry, maybe she wanted to stop the tears before they escaped.
"Oh, dear. I'm sorry, honey." Norma reached her hand out to Jane. She accepted the offer and bowed her head. We all sat in silence while we waited for Jane to continue. I fought the tears back as I watched the others come together for this stranger. I wanted some of this sympathy, but who was I in the big picture? In anyone’s big picture? I wanted what Jane and Carmen had —but now she didn’t even have it. Guilt washed over me as I took relief in that. She knows the pain I carry. I didn’t want the joy this brought me.
I could not shake the feeling that Carmen was murdered. This was not the time or place to question Jane about it. There may never be a right time to question the authorities’ decision. And who am I to question them? A whirlwind of thoughts raced through my mind. I closed my eyes and shook my head to get them out.
"Jane. I'm so sorry. This news must be tough for you." She lifted her head up and nodded.
“It really is. It feels like I didn’t even know her. Carmen wasn’t like that. She wouldn’t… she would never have…” Her eyes closed again as her head dropped back down. Norma’s eyes glistened with tears; their hands still attached. I looked around the room, Sonya and Maggie both had moisture in their eyes. This was a rough turn of events for day one of a trauma support group. This is not at all what I had imagined. I didn’t know what to expect, but having Jane join us was the furthest thing from my imagination.
Chapter Six
Gabriel was waiting for me in his usual spot, ready to greet me after a long day. His love was just what I needed after today. I prepared his dinner, and then heated up some left-over Chinese; egg rolls and lo mein. I placed his bowl on his mat by the kitchen table, and pulled out the Village News from my tote bag, put it on the table, and retrieved my leftovers. I wasn't sure I was ready to read this, but I needed to.
When Gabriel was done with his dinner, he jumped up on my lap so I could pet him. He purred as my hand ruffled up his fur. "Should I do this, Gabe? Or let it go?" He continued to purr as his green eyes looked up at me. "You're right. I just need to get it over with." I pushed my soggy egg rolls over and unfolded the paper. A sigh built up since morning escaped as I was faced with Carmen's beautiful smile.
Nineteen-year-old Carmen Davidson's death came as a surprise to her family. She was a happy girl, on her way to her second year of college, without a worry in the world, … or so her mother, Jane Cater thought. After she claimed her daughter would have never harmed herself, she was the one to find the suicide note Davidson left behind. Relationship troubles are said to be the cause of her unhappiness. Her death has now been ruled a suicide.
“I don’t buy it, Gabe. This seems fishy…like a big ole' can of tuna fish." I expected more to the front-page story. I waited all day to read this, afraid of what it might say, and then… nothing. Jane found her suicide note, but never mentioned a word about it today. My mind tried to recreate the note. I wondered what it said. I tried to picture Carmen, so depressed with life that she sat down with a piece of paper and a pen…or a computer…and wrote her good-bye letter to those she loved most. Why had it been so hard to find before? Did the shock of finding her covered in her own blood blind Jane before? Or did someone plant the note to make it look like a suicide?
A hundred different scenarios played out in my head. I found a notebook and began to write down the thoughts as they came. What would I ever do with this? Not like I would give it to Jane, or Detective Phillips. My connection to this girl is borderline crazy. Maybe because she was nineteen. Such a loss, and so young.
I folded the paper back up and carried Gabriel to the couch. “Snuggle time, buddy.” Gabriel’s warmth was just the right amount of comfort needed after a day like today. I flipped on the TV for my nightly veg session. Snapped was on next. Tim told me about this show before. We joked about him watching it. He said it was to help him figure out how deranged people think. He told me if I ever needed some ideas, this was the show to watch. Guess it was time to see what he was talking about.
"I wonder if Tim is watching this tonight, too. Think we should invite him to join us?" I scratched behind his ears as he hummed against my chest. "Don't worry, buddy, you're the only guy I want to share my evenings with. There's no room for him on this couch." When the show came back on, it caught my interest. The voice of the host had me hooked by the first commercial break. There was no way I'm falling asleep on the couch tonight. "This is pretty good; don't you think, Gabe?" It hadn't kept him from sleeping, but napping was his favorite thing to do with a full belly.
A hitman hired by an unfaithful wife. What could possibly go wrong with that? I couldn't believe how stupid people can be. Did she really think she would get away with it? Collect the insurance money and start a new life with a new guy? People like her made me sick. Were these the kind of people Tim had to deal with all the time? Or was this Hollywood? Either way, I was intrigued. Maybe I was in the wrong business. I already worked with the dead, perhaps it's time I started working with the reason they were dead. That just seemed too risky. I enjoyed flying under the radar. Some days I didn’t want to deal with people and just lock my door and spend my time doing paperwork. I bet homicide detectives didn’t have enough paperwork to stay away from people as long as I needed.