Chapter Three
When the police showed up, I slipped out of Carmen’s room and headed for my office. I didn’t want to be in the way, and Jane had already forgotten about me when the officers arrived. My heart broke for her. I’ll be haunted by what I saw for the rest of my life, I can’t imagine how painful this must be for her. Things like this are one reason I keep to myself. You just never know who you can trust.
With all the excitement from the day, the time had flown by. I was working on another ten-hour day. I promised Gabriel I would be home early tonight; I hoped he would forgive me. I am not sure he misses me as much as I miss him, but I hate to break promises.
By the time I made it home, Gabriel was waiting for me by the door. I could hear him yowling as my key pushed into the lock. He was the one thing I could depend on. After a hard day, he always gave me love and listened to the events from the day. Well, after he had his dinner. He was pretty easy to satisfy, unlike the other people in my life. All he wanted was a can of Fancy Feast, and endless hours of getting his shiny, black fur stroked. I don't know what I would do without him.
The sight of Carmen in her bed, in her mother's arms, made me miss my own mom. We hadn't spoken in years. I don't even know where she lives or if she is still alive. Some things can never be forgiven, but I still longed to have a mother at times. There was no way I would ever be able to trust her again. The few nostalgic moments that came every so often were not worth the trouble of getting hurt again.
I pushed the thought of my mom and Carmen out of my head as I made myself a cup of noodles. Gabriel ate better than I did, but I was too exhausted from the day to think about cooking. I hadn’t eaten a real meal in ages. Life was just too hectic, remembering to eat was not on my list of priorities.
"Gabe, how was your day?" He jumped up on my lap as I turned on the TV. His yowling had mellowed into heavy purring. "A rough life you have here." I scratched behind his ears as he nuzzled his head against mine. "I know, I know, I missed you, too. I need to find a job with fewer hours, less responsibility and more pay. Today was one of those days I wished we could trade places. You go to work for me, and I lounge around all day, licking myself."
Gabriel curled himself into a ball on my lap as I flipped through the channels. I needed to find some mindless show to watch, so I could unwind enough to get some rest. Sleep was so hard to catch lately; I knew it was going to be next to impossible to clear my head enough to sleep tonight.
“You’ll never guess what Jeanine wants me to do now.” I ignored his snoring and continued. “She wants me to start a support group.” I giggled. "Yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds. I hate people. Maybe if it was a support group for cats." I snorted and woke Gabriel up from his nap. "Sorry, buddy." Scratching his head, I continued to vent. "I just don't know how I’m going to pull this off. An hour a week, with a group of people.” As the words left my mouth, I realized how small a task it really was. It was just an hour a week. One hour. Why was I letting an hour destroy me like this? I could do this. And, now with Carmen, I had even more reasons to. If I could help one girl, it would be worth my time and the anxiety it caused.
"Thanks for the talk Gabe, I can always count on you to set me straight." I stretched out on the couch while I felt Gabe's chest rise and fall against mine. I closed my eyes as I listened to a rerun of Law and Order in the background.
The cries from a baby filled the room. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. I picked up the soft, blue blanket from the stark white bed, but he wasn’t under it. I checked the crib, but there was no trace of him. I followed the cries, looking in each room, but they were all dark and vacant. I ran down each hallway searching for him. The cries became louder, echoing off the walls, but still, I couldn’t find him. No one was there to help me look. I was the only one there, and I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t save him. I was his only hope. The feeling of emptiness crushed me as I gasped for air.
Gabriel's cries pulled me out of the dream and back into reality. My heart raced and my eyes stung. I reached for my necklace, half of a heart —a broken heart, to make sure it was still there. It was. Life was just as it always was. This wasn’t the first time this dream had woken me up, and I knew it wouldn't be the last.
Chapter Four
Today’s the day for the first trauma support group. I never came up with a clever name, partly because I didn’t want to entice people to come. I did make Jeanine give me some money to buy snacks for the group. She tried to force hospital food on me, but I refused. I think she knew she pushed me to my limit.
While I was at the store, I picked up a box of soft tissues, not the kind the hospital buys in bulk that rips the skin right off your nose, but the kind with the pretty, flowery box with lotion on them. If I was going to sit with a group of people and talk about trauma, I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible. For me and them.
I loaded the belt at the register with the bags of assorted chocolates, boxes of brownies, pre-sliced sharp cheddar cheese, crackers, a bag of baby carrots, and the tissues when the headline of The Village News caught my attention, “Death of Local Woman Deemed Suicide.”
I felt my face flush as my body began to tremble. I couldn't read any more of the article or even look at the picture of the beautiful young woman smiling back at me. That feeling of revenge returned and filled every part of my body. I tossed a copy of the paper onto the belt, face down, so I didn’t have to look at Carmen just yet. I needed to get her out of my head in time for the group today.
Something in me told me that Carmen hadn’t killed herself. I knew this was another situation where the local police department couldn’t put the needed hours into the case, so the easiest route was taken. Overworked and underpaid police let Carmen’s case be closed, without any concern as to what really happened to her. I had seen this happen before, and it was infuriating to even think about. I totally get being overworked and underpaid, but when you work with people, for people, sometimes that just has to go out the window in order to do the right thing. I like the police officers in Lawrenceville; they are good people. That's why it was so hard to see cases like this happen. I had to believe they did what they felt was right. How could they live with themselves if they didn't?
After I paid for the items, I carried the paper bag out to my tan Toyota Corolla, tossed them on the front seat and headed for the hospital. The group was still a few hours away, so I brought the paper back to my office, folded it in half and put it in the bottom drawer of my desk so I could read it later. I didn’t want my mind in a bad space before the group.
I went to the conference room where the group was going to be and placed a few chairs around in a circle. I rearranged the chairs a few times, trying to get the feel right. I didn’t know what feel I was looking for, but I wanted the room to look inviting. I didn’t have a lot to work with. The hospital was in desperate need of remodeling, but there was never any money for that. It looked like the original paint from 1950 was still on the walls, and the carpet was so stained, I wasn’t sure what color it was supposed to be.
A stale, musty odor hung in the air of the conference room. It wasn't overpowering but was strong enough to stay on your clothes long after you left. I found some cinnamon air freshener on the table in the corner of the room. I know there are regulations about using this type of thing, but I gave it a few sprays and placed it back where I found it. The cinnamon helped but was unable to make the room smell welcoming.