"Yes." The fear of failure began to creep up inside of me. I had no business leading this group. What if I'm not what these people need? What if I say or do the wrong thing? It was too late now; I had to figure a way to get through the next hour. I flipped on the lights and held the door open for the woman. “You can come in if you want.”
She walked past me and sat down in the chair closest to the exit. She kept a tight hold of her purse as she sat up straight and looked around the room. I walked over to the table where I had arranged the snacks earlier and shuffled them around. Everything was already set up, but I needed the distraction while I tried to calm my nerves. I shut my eyes tight before I turned around to face the woman. When I opened them, I noticed another woman at the door. “Are you here for the group?” Of course, she was. What a stupid question. My heart thumped against my chest so loud, I was positive they could hear it, too.
“Yeah.” Her voice was louder than mine, and she looked as if she was on her lunch break. Her black blazer matched her dress pants perfectly, not as if she had just thrown it together in the moonlight like I sometimes do. Her auburn hair was in a perfect braid down her back, and her black pumps were just as flawless. Her presence alone was intimidating.
“Come on in.” I choked on my words and cleared my throat. “Find a seat where you’re comfortable.” She walked in, placing herself as far away from the other lady as she could. She pulled out her iPhone and scrolled through while she avoided interaction. I didn’t blame her, I wished I had something to focus my attention on.
I walked out into the hallway to see if I could spot anyone else who might be joining us. I lifted the sleeve on my left arm to look at my pink Avon watch, a gift from Jeanine last Christmas, nothing I would have bought myself. Still five minutes until 1:00 pm. The second hand moved like a turtle as I waited for the time to pass.
At the registration desk, a woman who looked like she was in her seventies was nodding her head while the volunteer greeter pointed to me. I forced a smile and shot my hand up in a quick wave, and just as quickly put my hands together in front of me. My cheeks flushed as I tried to take back how uncool that move was. Maybe they weren’t even pointing at me. I looked behind me to check, no one else was in the hall. I hated that I was so awkward. Human interaction was exhausting.
The older woman smiled as she walked toward me. I waited in the hall as she approached the conference room. Her tight silver curls bounced with each step. The navy-blue cardigan she had on over a white t-shirt with chickadees was the same one I wore just the other day. The swish of her blue corduroys became louder with each step closer.
“Are you here for the group?” Another stupid question. So much for first impressions.
“Yes, dear, I am.” Her smile pushed her round cheeks up under her glasses and her blue eyes sparkled. She brought the sense of calm I had been searching for earlier.
“Great. Go on in and find a seat, we will get started shortly.”
As she made her way into the room, I scanned the hall one last time. There was no one else who looked like they may be joining us. I walked back into the room and closed the door behind me. “Is everyone okay with the door being closed?” They all nodded their heads in agreement. I made my way to my seat, the one I had placed the box of tissues on earlier. Before I sat down, I cleared my throat, “Welcome everyone, my name is Valerie, but please call me Val.”
When I sat down, I noticed that the woman with the iPhone was still scrolling through apps. I had the other two women’s complete attention. I sat up straight on the edge of my chair. “There are snacks and a water cooler over there. Please help yourself, feel free to get up and move around anytime you need to. The first thing I’d like to do today is introduce ourselves.” I scanned the room, three people and only four eyes on me. I could deal with this. “Who would like to start?” No one jumped at the offer. “I can begin if you’d like.” The older woman’s smile warmed me enough to continue.
“I’m Val. I work here at the hospital, in social services. This is Lawrenceville Regional Hospital’s first group of this kind. I am glad you decided to come. If there is anything you need to make this more comfortable, let me know and I’ll do my best.” The iPhone was now out of sight. “Would you like to go next?” I smiled at the older woman.
“Sure, dear. My name is Norma, I’m retired, and well, thought this kind of thing might help me enjoy my free time a little more. When you’re as old as I am, you’ve seen a lot of things, been through a lot of...” She paused before she went on. “Stuff.”
“Thank you, Norma, for sharing.” I nodded to the woman on her right. “Will you go next?”
She fidgeted in her seat as she looked at her feet. “I’m Maggie. My therapist said this would help me. I’m not sure how I feel about being here.” The grip on her purse tightened as she adjusted herself in the seat.
“Thanks, Maggie. I think new things like this are hard for a lot of us.” Norma nodded in agreement.
The last woman leaned back against her chair and crossed her right leg over her left. “Guess you saved the best for last.” She looked around the circle to see if anyone reacted. We sat quietly as she went on. “No, but really, I’m Sonya. I found out about this group when I was at the domestic violence shelter a couple of days ago. I just want to get to the bottom of all this and get back to normal.”
“Thanks, Sonya. Thank you, everyone, for the introductions. This group will be held weekly, in this room, at this same time. There aren't many rules, but a couple of the most important ones are that what we say in this room stays in this room, and we all need to be respectful of each other. If we feel we need to make more as we go along, we can."
Maggie raised her hand before I finished. “We don’t need to raise our hands in here, we can just talk when we have something to say.”
Her hand went to her face. “Do we have to talk when we are in here?”
“No, of course not. Only do what feels comfortable.”
“None of this is comfortable. What if he finds out I’m here?” Her voice trailed off as she finished.
“Maggie, can I ask who you are referring to?” I paused for her to answer.
“I’d rather not say… not today.”
“That’s fair enough, we only share what we feel safe sharing.” I noticed her knuckles turned white from the grip on her purse. “Can I ask you if you are safe at home, Maggie?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t know if he knows where I live.” I didn’t know Maggie enough to know if her fears were valid, or if she was paranoid.
Sonya let out a heavy sigh, turning my attention to her. "Is everything alright, Sonya?" I was thankful the group was small enough that I was able to remember everyone's name.
“I don’t understand why she’s here if she’s not going to talk. I mean… I don’t really want to be here, either, but I’m ready to be fixed. I want life to go back to normal.”
The strain from not rolling my eyes induced a migraine. I rubbed the bridge of my nose to try to push it away before it settled. “Please be respectful of her. Of each other. We all just met, none of us know why the other is here.” A tinge of annoyance danced off my words. “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘Be kind to people, because you never know what kind of battle they’re facing?’ This group, this room, is a place for all of us to be kinder than we usually are. This is our safe space. We need to be patient as we get to know each other.”