PART 1
Chapter 1
Friday
It almost felt like I was dreaming as I walked out into the pouring rain. Steam rising off the hot pavement gave Main Street an eerie look. Everything looked dull and lifeless. Or maybe it was just me. Without James, I felt dull and lifeless. I willingly lost myself in him. And what was left of me now? An empty shell? I wiped under my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was rain or tears on my cheeks.
This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. I ran my thumb across the spot where my engagement ring once sat. How is this happening? I tried to feel the rain on my shoulders. I tried to focus on anything but the ache in my chest. This definitely wasn't a dream. If anything, my reality was a nightmare.
I knew better than to put my self-worth into someone else's hands. Hadn't I learned anything from my relationship with Austin? I was so naive back then. I stopped outside the restaurant of our last date. That awful double date that Melissa had forced me to go on. It was the same night that James and I had shared our first kiss. I had called James, wanting to tempt him, knowing he'd come to make sure I was okay. He was trying to stay away from me, but I wouldn't let him. I wasn't just naive, I was immature and awful. He could still be here teaching if not for me. He could be happy.
Maybe James was right when he called me greedy. I wasn't in the sense of financial gain. I didn't care about his money. But I was greedy when it came to him. I liked monopolizing his time. I liked when his eyes were on me and me alone. Maybe he had me pegged exactly right. I was greedy. Had that bothered him? Me wanting him and needing him? I thought we were happy. But maybe I had been suffocating him the whole time.
I looked down the street at the coffee shop. I thought seeing it would be comforting, but it had the opposite effect. It made me think of how our whole relationship had started on lies. Lies about my age and lies about his past. He didn't trust me then, and he didn't trust me now. His words cut through my thoughts like a knife. You're not my problem anymore. That's what I was, a problem. Something to take care of. An annoyance.
His words made it seem like he put up with me for the benefit of getting my body in return. To do whatever he wanted with. That's all it ever had been. There was no other reason why he pursued in me in school. I wasn't a good speaker. He couldn't have been attracted to me because of what I said in class. So was that it? Just physical attraction? I touched the center of my chest. It was more than that to me. How could I have been so blind? I pressed harder on the center of my chest. There was an ache there that didn't seem to want to fade.
I sat down on the curb outside of the restaurant. There was a huge puddle, but it didn't matter, I was already soaked. This really was just like that night we had shared our first kiss. I was depressed and it was pouring. But there was one main difference. That night, James was there when I needed him. Why wasn't he here now? I still needed him.
Stop torturing yourself. I pulled out my phone. There were still no calls or texts from him. He wanted me to leave. He told me he never wanted to see me again. But all I wanted to do was run back to him. I wanted to stay and fight for him. I couldn't go back to New York if he didn't want to be with me, though. I couldn't bear to run into him if he was going to look at me with hate instead of love. So why did I come here? To walk around feeling his presence? His ghosts were everywhere. Being here was like torturing myself. I knew the answer, and it was a pathetic one. Because I knew my life was nothing without him. I needed something to hold onto. A little piece of him. This was the best I could do.
This time I knew that I was wiping away tears. I thought I had grown. I thought the two of us had grown together. But I was so wrong. I was still naive. I was still pathetic. I was still immature. I so badly tried to act like I had my shit together. I wanted James to take me seriously. But the truth was, he never had. He never cared enough to. He never really saw me. I was an object. And now he had cast me aside. It felt like the past few years had meant nothing to him and everything to me.
Fuck this. I searched my phone for flights that were leaving soon. I didn't have my passport. And I barely had any money. I couldn't afford to blow it all on a flight. But I needed to get out of here. I needed to leave before I lost myself to grief. I was stronger than this. Wandering around chasing memories wasn't going to help me. And the only person that could help me was myself.
I clicked on the cheapest flight that was leaving this afternoon. A one way ticket to Chicago cost $103. I didn't know a thing about Chicago and I didn't know anyone who lived there. It made me think about our decision to leave Newark. Would things have been different if we had moved to a place that we were both unfamiliar with? Away from Isabella and Rachel and every toxic thing in the city? I thought agreeing to go New York would make him happy.
I looked down the street at the coffee shop. There was no choice here. If I stayed, I'd drown. I clicked on the flight and pulled my debit card out of my purse. Before I could change my mind, I typed in all the necessary info and purchased the ticket. I had a couple thousand dollars in my account. That was enough. I had a good GPA from a great school. My stomach twisted in knots. Possible employers would ask why I transferred schools. They'd ask why I didn't finish my internship at Hunter Tech. I didn't have a single letter of recommendation.
I abruptly stood up. I'd figure it out. Despite what James had said, I was a competent adult. I took a deep breath. In my heart I knew I had grown. I had come a long way since I used to live here. Just because I had thought what I wanted was James, it didn't mean my life was over. I'd find new goals and new dreams in Chicago.
James had been my other half. He was gone, but that didn't mean I was half a person. I was more than that relationship. Before I could stop myself, I clicked on his name in my phone. I waited for the voicemail to click on. Hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes. Stop it.
"Hi, James, it's me." I tried to say it sternly, but my voice cracked, giving me away. I took a deep breath. I can do this. "I just wanted to let you know that I gave Ian my keys and credit card. And I'm out of New York, like you wanted. Could you maybe mail some of my things to my parents' house? I'll have them send them to me when I settle down." What things were even mine, really? I bit my lip. Nothing. My clothes, my computer, my phone, he had bought all of it. "Actually, never mind. You can just donate all that stuff or whatever you want to do. I don't want it. And you can cancel my cell phone too. I'll have that figured out before you get your next bill, I promise." Why was I promising him things when all his promises meant nothing? I thought about my wedding dress hanging in my closet. His closet. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wished I had called the apartment line. Then maybe he'd hear me and pick up. Instead, he'd probably delete this message before he even listened to it. So it didn't even matter what I said. I wrapped my free arm tightly around myself to help make the feeling of loneliness fade. It didn't work. "You promised you wouldn't push me away again, James. You promised."
I moved the phone away from my mouth as I tried to hold back a sob. I quickly ended the call and sunk back down onto the ground. I wanted to scream and throw my phone. Instead I put my face in my hands and started to cry uncontrollably. I wasn't sure how long I sat there crying. My phone buzzing finally made me lift my head.