My heart let me hope for one second that it was James. I quickly grabbed my phone. Please be James. Tyler's name flashed across my screen. Of course it was Tyler. He'd want to know if I needed help decorating for the rehearsal dinner. Or writing my vows. Or something else sweet because that's the kind of guy he was. I laughed. It sounded strange in my throat. No, he wasn't calling to be sweet. He probably wanted to know why he suddenly had 20 million dollars in his bank account. No one else I knew had reached out to me because no one else knew what had happened. My parents were sitting in some hotel in New York, still thinking I was getting married tomorrow. I wanted to ignore Tyler's call. I wanted to be alone to wallow. But I owed him an explanation.
I slid my finger across the screen. "Hey, Tyler."
"Hey, Penny."
The awkward silence made my chest hurt even more. He knew. God, he knows. I pulled my knees to my chest.
Tyler cleared his throat. "I think we need to talk. Can you come over?"
"I'm not in New York."
"Where are you?"
"Sitting in the rain on Main Street."
"Main Street? Are you in Newark?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, well first of all, get out of the rain, weirdo."
I laughed. This time it didn't sound as strange. "I like the rain." It reminds me of him.
"You don't want to be sick for your wedding."
I closed my eyes. It was so obvious that Tyler knew. Why was he torturing me like this? "I'm not getting married." My words were greeted by silence. I stood up and stepped under the overhang of the roof to block some of the rain. I didn't care about being sick, but if my phone broke I'd be even worse off. I wiped off some of the rain and put it back to my ear. "Tyler, are you still there?"
"I need to see you."
"I'm not going to be here by the time you get here."
"Penny, please."
"I already booked a flight. "
"Where?"
"Chicago. Could you maybe not tell anyone? I just...I need to do this on my own."
"You don't need to do it on your own. Let me come with you."
"What?"
"I want to come with you. I fucking hate New York."
"You don't hate New York. You love it there. You have an amazing job and a great apartment. Melissa just moved in. You're happy."
"Happy?" He sighed. "Penny, I don't want to be here if you're not here with me."
"Tyler, stop."
"You know how I feel about you, you know that I'd..."
"You're dating my best friend!"
"I love you, Penny. I've never stopped loving you."
"What are you talking about? That's all in the past. We're friends. We've been friends for years."
"Because you put me there. I still want you. And James is a fucking asshole for hurting you. I don't want to be having this conversation on the phone. Please, let me meet you in Chicago. We need to talk about this in person. Please, Penny."
I sighed and leaned against the brick wall. No wonder James had jumped to the conclusion that he had. He knew. How did I not know? I thought Tyler and I were good. I thought we were on the same page. "Okay. Yeah, we need to talk about this."
"Yeah? What airport are you flying into? I'll book the flight right now."
"Just come here."
"You'll wait for me?" His words made the ache in my chest even worse. He had been waiting for me this whole time.
"I'll get a later flight."
"Get out of the rain, but don't leave Newark. I'll be there by...9 o'clock, okay?"
"Okay."
"See you soon, Penny." The line went dead.
I stuffed my phone back into my purse and walked back into the rain. I just wanted to be alone.
Chapter 2
Friday
It was weird being back here. I looked down at the worn steps of Tyler's frat house. It was also hard to think about how different my life would be if I had never slept with my professor. Maybe I'd be with Tyler. Maybe I'd be happy. But I couldn't go back in time. I couldn't change what had happened, and honestly, I wouldn't want to. I meant nothing to James, but he meant something to me. Hell, he meant everything to me. I had a sickening feeling that the past few years would be the best years of my life. Anything going forward would be tainted by that. It wasn't all a lie to me, it was real. I loved him. And this hurt so much because I still loved him.
I looked down at the text I had gotten from Rob an hour ago. "You forgot your ring."
I had written back telling him to give it back to James. It wasn't really mine. If I kept it, it would just remind me of everything I had lost. I didn't need that reminder. My solitude would be reminder enough. The ache in my chest would be reminder enough. Falling asleep and waking up alone...it was all enough.
I stared at the text from Rob that I hadn't responded to yet. "Don't leave like this. It'll kill him. You know it'll kill him. I'm begging you, Penny. Please come back. I'll drive you back home. You two will work it out, I know you will. He needs you."
There wasn't anything to say back. Rob was wrong. This was James' decision. I was just doing what he wanted. If James reached out to me, I'd talk to him. But that wasn't the case. I hadn't heard from him since he kicked me out. He was done with me and there wasn't anything I could do about it. James would be fine. His friends and family would support him. He had a strong foundation. He was going to be okay. James had never really needed me. I was the one that needed him.
The word "home" made me feel even worse. My parents' house was no longer my home. Newark was no longer my home. And now New York was no longer my home. Home to me was wherever James was. It had been ever since we met. Now I had nowhere to go. I had to start over. Sure, I could go to my parents' house and find the key under the potted plant and let myself in. I could wallow away in my childhood bedroom, remembering. But I refused to hurt my parents. I refused to hurt my friends, what I had left of them. And I refused to just give up on life just because one person told me I was worthless. I wasn't worthless. I just lost myself. Which meant I could find myself again.
I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. The problem was that I didn't want to find myself. Not without him. I wanted to believe in what we had, even if it was all a charade to him. Because it wasn't to me. It was real. All of it. I grabbed my purse, pulled out the notebook that I had been carrying around for weeks, and stared at the vows I had been working on. The words blurred in front of me as I started to cry harder. I didn't ever want to forget him. I wanted to remember every little thing. The way my skin tingled when he brushed his fingertips against me. The way I immediately smiled when his eyes met mine across a room. If I could somehow put those feelings into words, maybe I'd have something to hold on to. Something that would make it feel like I wasn't drowning.
I shoved the notebook back into my purse. I couldn't capture him on paper. I couldn't verbalize the way he made me feel. I put my hand on the center of my chest. No one had ever told me that when your heart breaks it actually hurts. It felt like my chest was caving in. I took a deep, shaky breath.