"Penny."
"So how about you stop fucking me and make love to me because that's what we have."
"Baby, I'm so sorry." He pulled my face against his chest. "I'm so sorry." He held me like that for a moment. My hair was wet, so maybe I imagined it, but it felt like his tears were falling on the top of my head. I hadn't been wrong. I hadn't imagined it. We had grown together. What we had was real.
"Make love to me, James," I whispered against his chest.
"I always make love to you. Always, Penny." He grabbed my hips firmly and walked over to the master bedroom. He kicked the door open with his foot.
"Not here, James. Not in Rob's bed."
"It's our bed. Remember?" He threw me down onto it.
"Of course I remember." I looked up into his eyes. There was something there that I had never seen before. They almost looked stormy. Like something was brewing in his mind and it couldn't be stopped. I watched him pull off his t-shirt.
"We've always been wrong. You were my student for Christ's sake. We were never supposed to happen."
"But we did happen. Because despite what you think, we've always been right."
Something crossed over his face and he climbed on top of me on the bed. His strong hands pushed my thighs apart as the tip of his cock pressed against me. "We were always wrong, Penny. But it's always felt so fucking right." He pressed into me slowly this time, gently, lovingly. "And that's what's so terrifying," he whispered.
I barely heard him say it. But I definitely heard it. He was finally opening up to me. It felt like he was finally ready to share his heart completely. I let myself get lost in the moment. I let myself get lost in him.
Chapter 5
Friday
I listened to the sound of his heart beating. It felt like he wanted to talk. I was just going to wait until he did.
Several minutes later, he kissed the top of my head. "I think we need to talk."
I ran my index finger through the outlines of his six pack. "I think maybe I just need to listen."
He interlaced his fingers with mine and gently kissed my wrist. "Okay." He ran his other hand down my back, stopping right above my ass. "I don't even know where to start."
I didn't say anything. I just wanted him to tell me whatever he needed to tell me.
He sighed. "I'm always happy when we're together. But sometimes when we're apart I feel...guilty. I don't know if that's exactly the right word. It just feels like I cheated fate. I was your professor. There's responsibilities that come with that. I was supposed to protect you. I was supposed to guide you. I wasn't supposed to sleep with you. I feel bad about that. I didn't act like your professor, I was thinking with my heart and my dick instead of my head. I crossed a line. And it feels like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy when I broke the rules. That guilt eats at me. You deserved better than that. I should have never put you in that position."
I kissed his chest. "I didn't know you still felt bad about that. James, that was just as much my fault as yours. I pushed you. I wanted you to..."
"No. I was in the position of authority. That was on me."
"Still." I splayed my hand against his chest and lifted my head so I could look at him. "Okay, maybe you didn't protect me the way you should have as my professor. But you've done nothing but protect me since then. I think you've more than made up for it. Maybe you could start to try and let that guilt go?"
"But what if by doing all that, I ruined your life."
"You didn't."
"What if you were supposed to end up with Tyler?" The agony in his voice was almost palpable. "I worry that you'll be taken away from me like every other good thing I've ever had in my life. I don't deserve you, Penny. What if we were never supposed to happen?"
"I was never supposed to end up with Tyler. It's always been you. I wouldn't be happy with anyone else. I promise."
He grabbed my hand and kissed my wrist again. "I don't know how to let that go."
"Maybe it'll be easier once we're married. Once you hear my vows. Maybe then?"
"Are you sure that's what you really want? Penny, if I'm addicted to you..." he let his voice trail off. "I don't want to ruin your life. I can't let you."
"The only way you could ruin my life is by not being a part of it."
He moved his fingers up my back and ran them through my hair. "It's scary. I know you don't see my being an addict as a problem because I seem to have it under control. But that's the thing, it's all about control. It hit a nerve hearing you talk about the notes Isabella left you. She always made me feel worthless. She made my problems worse than they were. I learned to doubt myself. It reminded me about how easily my control can shatter. But even if I am addicted to you, I still love you. I'm sorry about what I said. Of course I love you. I'm just worried that it's more complicated than that."
"I don't believe that you're sick, James. I think you're perfect. A little self-deprecating, but perfect."
He gave me a small smile.
"And I'm pretty sure we've proved that we're good at complicated. Our relationship was built on complicated." I kissed his chest.
"What happens if I lose control again?"
"Then I'll be there to help you get it back."
"But what kind of life is that?"
"The one that I want," I said.
"You're terrible at making decisions that are good for you. You realize that, right?"
"Luckily I have someone to take care of me."
He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry about what I said during our fight. You're not a problem. I know you could take care of yourself. I was just upset. I didn't mean anything I said. None of it. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. "I forgive you." I waited a second. "Do you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive. All of it was my fault."
"It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't put so much weight on your shoulders. You can't take responsibility for your ex-wife's decisions."
"I didn't know she was sending you stuff. I wish you had told me. I don't want you to ever feel like you're alone. I'm sorry you had to go through all that on your own."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know I should have. I think I thought that it would just go away if I ignored it."
He ran his fingers through my hair.
"Rob told me about what really happened between you and Rachel. I don't understand why you didn't tell me the truth about how you two ended."
"I didn't meant to lie, it's just easier for me if I remember it the way I told you. Her cutting me off...it nearly killed me. And when I found out it was because my parents paid her to stop seeing me? It made all those old feelings come up, which is probably why I jumped to conclusions about what you had done. It's something I'm sensitive about. I was raised to be suspicious of people's motivations to be close to me."