“Why is there sex stuff on this menu?”
“Daddy likes his jets fun.” Maybe Ash would be up for a naked pilot after all…
“And the stewardesses are okay with that? Isn’t that like…sex slavery?”
I laughed. “They get paid. And it’s not like he surprises them with it. It’s part of the job description.”
“Sushi served on breasts is part of the job description?” She jabbed at another line item on the menu.
“Of course. Do they not have that on coach?”
“No!”
“Well you’re welcome to order it if you wanna see what it’s like.”
Ash laughed. “I don’t think so.” She looked back down at the menu. “Oooh they have banana juice? I didn’t even know that was a thing. That sounds really good. Might as well stay on theme.”
“Excellent choice.” Banana juice was strong. She was about to have the time of her life.
“I have big sausage platter,” Slavanka said. “Unless that is with the penis?”
I laughed. “No, Daddy isn’t gay. It’s just a tray of fine sausages. They’re to die for.”
“Yes. I like that.”
“One banana juice, the sausage platter, and my usual!” I yelled over to the stewardess. “Now let’s try some stuff on!” I tossed a slutty little dress over at Ash.
“Is this a bib?”
I looked over at her. “It’s a dress.”
Her eyes grew round.
“Remember, Rule #16: Either your legs, cleavage, or stomach must be showing at all times. Preferably all three.”
“My ass would be hanging out,” she protested.
“Hmmm, let me see.” I grabbed the dress and held it up to her. “It’s the perfect length. And it’s nice and stretchy, so it’ll be easy for you to pull it up if you need to.”
“Pull it up?! For what?”
“Whatever you want, you naughty girl. You’re the maid of honor at your besties’ bachelorette party. No one’s going to judge you.”
A giant smile spread over Ash’s face.
Wow, she’s gonna get freaky.
“I’m your maid of honor?” she asked.
“Of course.” I grabbed the maid of honor sash off the rack and put it over her head. “That’s for you.”
“Are you sure? I mean…I’d love to. It’s just, we’ve only…”
I put my finger to her lips. “Hush, child. You’re my bestie. And tonight we’re gonna have the time of our lives. Just try not to get too much cum on your sash.”
“What?!”
“Hmm, you’re right. It’ll be more fun if we try to get as much cum as possible on our sashes.”
“No! No cum on our sashes!” Ash pulled the sash over her head. “What kind of crazy place are you taking us to?”
“Miami.”
“Where in Miami?”
“Miami is best strip clubs, yes?” asked Slavanka. She took the slutty little dress from Ash. “I wear this. Stripper men will love.”
“Nope. No way.” Ash shook her head. “I already ran away from strippers once tonight. I don’t want to have to do it again. And anyway, we’re too young for strip clubs. Don’t you need to be 21?”
“Only if alcohol is being served. But it’s kind of a moot point when we’re wearing our sashes. No one is gonna ID a bride and her bridesmaids. Especially since we’re all super hot.”
“So we’re seriously going to a strip club? I’m not sure Chad is going to love the idea of you ogling a bunch of half-naked men all night. It would be so much better if we just turned around and went back to my Banana Party.”
“Why would Chad care about strippers? He doesn’t care when I use my vibrator, so why would he care if I fuck a stripper?”
“Fuck a stripper!?”
“If they’re hot enough, then why not?”
“Uh…because it’s cheating. And the germs. God, so many germs. And the diseases! Diseases are so much worse than germs, Chastity!”
“What kind of trashy amateur club do you think I’d take you to? Sure, there are some strippers out there who have sullied the noble profession. But real strippers all take the Strippocratic Oath. They would never harm their patrons with STDs.”
“You mean the Hippocratic Oath?”
“No, silly. That’s for doctors.” Ash seemed so smart, but sometimes the things she said were so dumb. She really needed that banana juice ASAP to help her loosen up. Or I’d be tempted to call her a basic B, and there was no way in hell I would have a maid of honor who was a basic B.
Right on cue, the flight attendants came out with our refreshments. Slavanka barehanded a big sausage while Ash and I took big swigs of our drinks.
Slavanka was such a baller. She was going to excel tonight, I could tell.
“Wow, this is amazing!” said Ash. She took another gulp. “Can I have another of these?”
One of the flight attendants nodded and ducked back into the kitchenette.
Ash finished her first banana juice and then started on her second. “What were we talking about again?”
“Strippers,” said Slavanka.
“You mean STDs,” corrected Ash.
“It’s probably not my place to ask this, said the flight attendant, “But what kind of horrible strippers would have STDs? You guys know to only go to clubs where they’ve taken the Strippocratic Oath, right?”
“That’s exactly what I was saying! Thank you…” I glanced at her nametag. “…Esme.”
“Okay, I’m officially lost,” said Ash. “What is the Strippocratic Oath?”
“A sacred oath that all strippers have taken since the days of ancient Greece. Let me see if I can remember it…” I cleared my throat and recited:
“I swear by Dionysus, god of theater, entertainment, and festivity, and Priapus, god of the phallus, and with all the gods as my witness, that I shall uphold the following oath.
“First and foremost, I shall pleasure my patrons indiscriminately to my own enjoyment.
“I shall keep myself free of disease.
“I shall keep my patron’s identities confidential, and I shall not recognize them outside of my place of work.
“I shall keep my body in peak physical condition.
“And finally, I shall use the tools and techniques of my trade to postpone my climax until my performance requires it.
“If I keep this oath, may I find eternal admiration and forever please my woman.
“And if I break this oath, may my manhood be forever giant and flaccid.”
“Giant?” asked Ash. “That kind of feels like a reward for them to break the oath.”
“Not for the Greeks. They appreciated the aesthetics of a tiny flaccid penis and the functionality of a monster erection. In other words…ancient Greeks loved growers. But what’s really important is that line about disease. See? You have nothing to worry about.”
“If that was a real oath, then maybe you’d be right. But I’m 99% sure you just made all of that up. Which was actually really impressive. Seriously…how’d you come up with all that on the spot?” Ash clumsily clapped her hands. That banana juice was hitting her hard.