“Are you sure? He seemed kind of serious about all of that… And what makes you think that’s a promise ring? That really looked like a proposal to me. I’m pretty sure you just got engaged.”
I held the ring up. “This little thing? An engagement ring?” The idea was laughable. “Does this look like four carats to you?”
“Yes?”
“Nope. It’s only like two. Thus it’s a promise ring.” I held my pinky nail up to it to show how small it was.
Ash shook her head. “I don’t think that’s how anything works.”
“Sure it is. You’ve heard the old saying: give her four if you want your relationship to be more.”
“I’ve literally never heard that.”
“Weird. Anyway, it’s a fun little accessory. I’ll have to properly thank him for it tomorrow night. Since you and I are going to be a little busy tonight.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her.
She laughed. “You know you can hang out with him tonight, right? I mean, he did drive all the way down here. That must have been like a six-hour drive.”
“Nonsense. We already missed girls’ night last Friday because I’d just learned about the rules. There’s no way I’m going to ditch you this Friday too. I have the most amazing night planned for us.”
“Really?”
“Yup!” Well, maybe. I still had to figure out if Ash was down to bang Ghost or Teddybear. Or both. I suspected she was still jealous of what she saw at the party last Friday, even if she wouldn’t admit it. The whole ‘I fell asleep’ thing was a total lie. She was probably just too embarrassed to say she got off to it in the closet. Kinky bitch. “It’s going to be epic. No. Beyond epic!”
“And what exactly will we be doing?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Uggh” groaned Ash. “You know I hate surprises. At least give me a hint.”
“Okay. Let me think.” I tapped my finger against my lips. I needed something that was spa-related. But also sex-related. Aha! “Cucumbers.”
“No!” screamed Ash.
“What?”
“I’m afraid of cucumbers.”
“How could you be afraid of cucumbers? They’re like…the second-best penis-shaped fruit. Bananas are the best, obvs.” And then it hit me. “WAIT!”
Ash jumped and a few passersby looked at us funny. “Wait what?”
“I just figured out what we’re doing for girls’ night.”
“So no cucumbers?”
“No. We’re not gonna have some lame spa night orgy for our very first girls’ night. No, no, no. God, how did I not think of this sooner? The promise-posal. The banana pancakes. Like half of the Single Girl Rules. They’ve all been pointing to the same thing!”
“I have no idea what any of those things have in common.”
“Oh sweet, simple Ash. We’re having a bachelorette party!”
“So Chad did actually propose? I’m beginning to think he shared some of that cocaine with you.”
“That was a practice proposal. So now we get to have a practice bachelorette party.” This was going to be so much freaking fun.
“And do you expect me to plan it?”
“My actual bachelorette party? Absolutely. And it better be amazeballs. Single Girl Rule #39: Being a maid of honor is the most sacred duty in a woman’s life. But this is just a practice one, so I’ll plan it. It’ll be good practice for both of us.”
“How are you going to plan a bachelorette party in like…12 hours?”
“One word: Banana Party.”
“That’s two words. And also…that doesn’t sound nearly as bad as I thought it would. Because you’re right - bananas are definitely the best penis-shaped fruit. Possibly the best fruit period. They’re full of potassium and just all-around good for you.”
Yeah they are. “Right?! Ahhh! This is going to be the best night ever!”
Chapter 2 - So Many Bananas
Friday, Sept 13, 2013
It had taken all day, but I’d pulled it off. Everything was set for my bachelorette party. I know, I know. Half a day feels like not enough time to plan an entire party. But in this case, it was easy. Because just like every other girl in America, I’d been planning my bachelorette party since the moment I saw my first Tommy Hilfiger men’s underwear ad.
I scanned my list one more time to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything important.
Bridesmaids? Check.
Strippers? Check.
Super cute outfits? Double check. The outfits I’d picked out were straight fire.
An amazing venue? Check.
More strippers? Check.
“I did it,” I said. I put my hand up for a high five.
“Huh?” Chad wiped his greasy pizza fingers off on his napkin and high fived me, despite looking deeply confused.
“I planned the perfect girls’ night.”
“For next weekend, right?”
“No, silly. For tonight. How many times do I have to tell you Rule #2: Friday night is…”
“Girls’ night. No exceptions.” He shook his head. “I know. But I still don’t understand where these rules are coming from. Is this some sort of sorority thing?”
“Uh…” Shit! I’d been so busy with the party planning that I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Slavanka if there were any footnotes about keeping the rules a secret. “Yup. It’s a sorority thing.”
“You didn’t tell me you were rushing. That’s awesome! Which sorority are you going for?”
My knowledge of Greek life on campus was limited to the frat parties I’d attended. The beta boys had thrown an epic party at the dean’s house. And I always walked by the Alpha Omicron house on the way to class so I could watch them working out. But sororities? I knew nothing about those. Ash and Slavanka were my sorority. Because they were the only ones who I’d shared the Single Girl Rules with. Wait a second! Single Girl Rules. SGR… “Sigma Gamma Rho.”
Chad choked on his water. “Excuse me?”
“Sigma Gamma Rho.”
“You’re rushing a historically black sorority?”
Damn it! What were the odds that Sigma Gamma Rho was a real thing?! Oh well. It was too late to back down now. And I had the perfect way out. “Historically black, huh? I don’t think that’s accurate.”
Chad typed something into his phone. And then he turned it for me to see as he scrolled through all the google images of Sigma Gamma Rho. There was not a single white girl to be found.
“Huh. I guess they are all black.” I shrugged. “Honestly, I’d never noticed.” I stared at him. “Oh my God, babe, are you a racist?”
“What? No.” He straightened his polo shirt and looked around to make sure no one had heard my accusation. “I think it’s awesome that you’re rushing them. I was just surprised, that’s all.”
I took one more bite of pizza and then stood up. “Time for me to go meet up with the girls.”
He grabbed my wrist. “Hold on. Can’t I come? I promise I’ll be good.”
“That depends. Will you dress up in a police officer uniform and shake your cute little butt for all of us?”