My phone buzzes again with another text from Scotty, “I just want you to know I miss you.” Followed by several hearts.
I can’t find the words to reply. I just stand there, tingling, craving more.
CHAPTER FIVE
What have I done?
Walking through the back door of my dorm building I start thinking clearly again.
I kissed Matthew. Why? What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. All my emotions became so strong all at once. That seems to be happening a lot lately.
What do I tell Scotty? I can’t tell him. Can I?
My head is spinning too fast for me to keep up. Maybe if I ask Marie, she can help me make sense of this.
No, I can’t tell her either. What would she think of me then?
Guilt threatens to drown me and I feel physically sick. I push open the restroom door on the main floor and run into the first of three stalls. I hang my head over the toilet grateful no one else is in here because all that comes out is heavy sobs.
I sit back and lean against the door. I feel the coolness of the dingy yellow tile through the butt of my blue jeans. My chest begins to hurt with the pounding of my heartbeat. Is it echoing? Or is that just in my own ears?
Take control. I need to distract myself. I glance at my phone, the screen is black, then quickly push it across the floor. No way will that help. I shove my hands into my pants’ pockets. My right hand emerges with a crumbled gum wrapper and a bit of wood shavings from work. In my left hand the sleek metal of my pocketknife comes into view.
The reflective metallic rainbow distorts my face. Scotty bought the knife for me last year when I first came to college as a means of protection for myself. I’ve never had to use it for more than opening packages but maybe I need to use it now. I flick the blade out, prodding my pointer finger with the sharp tip. Other than digging my nails into my palms, I’ve never thought of hurting myself before, nor have I fully understood why others do it, but right now I feel enlightened. I apply more pressure.
A single drop of blood runs down the length of my finger onto my hand. I pull the knife away and watch the red trail darken with another drop. Realization hits me as I notice my heart rate has slowed. My head clears and I take a few more deep breaths.
My legs are a bit shaky as I stand but I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. I wash what’s left of my smeared makeup off my face along with the blood on my hand in the sink and start walking to my room again.
I unlock the door and cautiously walk in. I have to act normal. The room is mostly dark other than the glow of the computer Marie is looking at on her desk and a string of my rainbow lights she must have plugged in for me. Marie looks up from her laptop. “Hey girl, you okay? You look pale.”
Uh-oh. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired. It’s been a long day.”
“I hear you.” She stands, grabbing her pajamas, and heads for the bathroom to shower.
A part of me doesn’t want to be alone. My finger prick has clotted but the immediate pain from when I accidentally tap it against something is still there to remind me. But the small elation that I stopped the overwhelming feelings helps. I am in control.
I decide to call Mom. I know I need to talk to Scotty, but I can’t. Not yet. I only wait a few rings in before she picks up. “Hello?”
“Hey, Mom. It’s me.” I flop onto my bed and crowd myself with pillows. Seeking closeness and comfort.
“Hey, Kathryn. How are you doing today?” The soft murmurs of the TV plays in the background.
“I’m good, I just got off work and I wanted to ask you something.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Do you remember my friend Matthew from middle school? The one who came over all the time until he moved away?” I’m not sure why, but I hold my breath until she responds.
“The one who passed away about a year ago?”
My body freezes. “No, that can’t be the same person. Who are you talking about?”
“Are you sure? I remember his mother called one day to let us know since the two of you were close. I think she said he got mixed up in a wrong crowd and was into drugs or something.”
“I think you have him confused with someone else.”
“Maybe you’re right. Anyway, what about him?” The pause stretches on for several seconds. “Kathryn?”
“Nothing really. I was thinking about him today for some reason and wondered if you remembered him. That’s all.”
“Of course, I do. He came over almost every evening and he had the brightest green eyes I think I’ve ever seen.”
“You remember his eyes being green? Not a silver or silver green?” What color did I remember? Why is it so hard for me to know for sure?
“Definitely green. I’m sure I have some old photos of you guys in a book around here somewhere. I can pull them out for you next time you’re home if you want?”
“No, that’s okay. Anyways, I have to go. I have a little bit of homework and Scotty should be calling soon.”
“Are you sure? You sound a little upset? Did you take your medicine today?”
“Yes, I’m fine, just wanted to chit chat for a little.”
“Alright, well I love you.”
“I love you too.” I press the end button. Who would have called Mom? I didn’t have too many friends growing up. It obviously wasn’t Matthew’s mom though. Marie saw and talked to Mattie so it’s not like I’m seeing ghosts. Right?
I crawl out of bed and change into some blue fuzzy pajama pants and a black Riverside College t-shirt. I begin to brush my hair out when Marie emerges from the bathroom, her wrapped up in a towel. She glances at the clock on her phone. “I know Scotty will be calling soon, but I have an English paper to finish tonight…”
Her voice trails off, but she doesn’t have to ask. I smile, taking the hint, happy to help my friend. “I guess I can go roam the halls for a little while,” I tease. The more time that passes from when I kissed Matthew the lighter the weight bearing down on me feels. Him kissing me was a misunderstanding, which we’ll discuss next time I see him. It doesn’t change anything from here on out.
Marie gives me a big appreciative smile as I slide out the door. I start pacing the full length of the hallway outside our room. I’ve memorized the hotel style pattern of the carpet from the nightly talks I’ve had here with Scotty. The green, blue, and yellow loops overlap on the brown background. My pink fuzzy slippers make no noise as I pass by the other dorm rooms. Some are quiet with students probably studying and others erupt with sounds of music, movies, and other, more active activities.
Right on the 8:00 dot my phone buzzes and alights with Scotty’s picture. I hesitate for a moment willing my voice to sound normal as I answer. “Hey, Scotty.”
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?” His soft voice caresses my fading guilty conscience.
“I’m good. You?”
“Not bad, a bit tired since I drove to school before classes and work, but I’ll manage. Just means I’ll sleep good. Did you go in to work today?”
“Yeah, it was fun. The guys and I got into a water fight.” I want to smile at the memory, but I need to tell him about Matthew. Keeping him a secret probably allowed for tonight’s kiss to happen. This needs to be out in the open. Why is this so hard? It’s okay that I have a new friend, even if we are close.