“It’s really starting to bother me that only guys work there with you.” Scotty’s tone and voice grow drastically cold.
I blink a few times momentarily caught off guard by his sudden change. I think I’ve only heard him angry a handful of times since we’ve been together, but never once at me. “Are you okay? You sound really upset all of a sudden.” Does he already know about Matthew?
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’m jealous of all the time you spend with those guys.” His voice is heavy with sarcasm.
“Scott, it’s my job. I work with them, that’s it. You’ve never said anything about this before?” I feel tears sting my eyes and I push open the door to the nearest stairwell which usually offers privacy thanks to the well-used elevators.
“Sure, Katie.” The silence hangs thick between us.
What do I do? I feel like I’m having to defend myself when I’m completely innocent and he doesn’t believe me. But I’m not completely innocent, am I? The guilt starts to crawl back in. My stomach turns. I think about coming clean and telling him what happened with Matthew, but as I think of this uncharacteristic anger growing, I back out. I reach into my mind for a different subject. “How is your sculpture project coming along?”
“Great, actually.” And just like that a switch is flipped and his voice softens. “I have a great idea that will tie you and I into the theme.”
“Really? How?” I breathe a sigh of relief that his brief anger spell has passed. Maybe something at school happened and I hit the trigger reminding him.
“You’ll have to wait and see.” I hear the playful note in his tone. I can’t help but smile until his voice brings me back. “So, what do you have to do this week? Didn’t you say you had a big test coming up.”
I cringe. “Yes, I have my Calculus midterm tomorrow.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“Nervous. I did awful on the last test and I can’t afford to do that again.”
“You’ll do great, Katie. You’re so smart.”
“Thanks. I hope you’re right.” We sit in a comfortable silence for a few seconds until I yawn. “I should probably get to bed. I’d like to go over my notes one more time in the morning.”
“Alright, Katie. Goodnight. I love you.”
“I love you too. Night.” I hang up and walk back to the room. I don’t know what I’d do without him. His confidence in me has settled my rattled nerves. Whatever happened today with Matthew will not happen again and I will make that very clear to him.
Marie is still typing away when I enter our room. In the bathroom, I brush my teeth and cleanse my face. As I look into the mirror, I take some deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay. I have studied hard for this test.
I crawl into bed and pull the covers up tight seeking comfort. I drift off to sleep dreaming of Scotty’s anger and my mistake.
CHAPTER SIX
I wake up feeling terrible. I silence the wailing beeps from my alarm clock that fuel the headache that’s been brewing all night from the overthinking and lack of sleep. My sticky eyes open to the dark room. Predawn light seeps through the curtained window. I still feel guilty about what happened with Matthew. I know I won’t let it happen again but how could I have done that to Scotty? Could Marie be right about him being bad? And I’m absolutely dreading the Calculus test I have coming up in only two short hours.
I trudge to the bathroom sink and run cold water to splash my face. I need to wake up so I can try studying a little more. I get dressed as quietly as I can while keeping an eye on Marie’s sleeping form.
I open the medicine cabinet above the sink. I don’t know why I’ve started feeling like this. I swallow an anti-anxiety pill wondering if they’re even working. Managing my anxiety has never been a problem. I know to avoid certain situations and remember to breathe. Why is it becoming harder to do that now? Lately everything has me upset and no matter what I do I can’t shake this feeling of dread.
I don’t understand what is sending me into this downward spiral. It’s true I just created a problem in my relationship with Scotty that I need to work through, and my grades need to be a little better, but in the grand scheme of things I’m doing okay. I made it to college, I have a wonderful family, a caring boyfriend, good friends, and a job that makes me happy. What is so wrong that it has my emotions jumping off a cliff? Is there something wrong with me?
I stare at the bottle in my hand. They’re not working. I’ve been on them for two months and I feel no different, unless different is meant to mean worse. But I know I have to stay on them. It makes those around me feel better. I don’t want anyone worrying about me, and I especially don’t want them knowing about the new knife thing I used to supplement the medicine.
As I put the bottle back, I catch my reflection in the mirror. Wisps of blonde hair hang in my face and curl around my eyes. Eyes that look empty and dull today. My thin, fair-skinned body lacks the curves to be noticeably attractive but that’s never stopped my love for dresses before. Today it’s hiding under yoga pants and a hoodie.
It’s another warm day, and while I know other college girls will be taking advantage of the comfortable temperature by wearing shorts and tank tops, I pull my long sleeves down over my hands and grab my backpack to head out the door.
I’m one of the first few students to enter the dining hall. Smells of greasy sausage and carb loaded pancakes almost entice me to fill a plate but instead I grab a bowl of cereal. I slip into a booth tucked in the corner away from the chatty tables dotting the middle.
Swirling my spoon around the soggy lumps, I flip page after page through my notes. Some of it actually makes sense to me as I follow the steps. I just need to memorize the methods of the ones I don’t understand.
I check my watch and bolt out of my seat. With only ten minutes left, I fly across the quad. I can’t be late. I need the full class period to take the test.
Halfway across the field, I notice a girl from my vet tech class being pushed by a much larger guy. His loud voice carries across on the wind to me as he calls her harsh names. She holds her books up and tries to shrink behind her dark hair. The guy brings down his right hand and slaps her load out of her arms, sending papers scattering across the ground. “Stop trying to hide from me, freak!”
I can’t take it anymore. Before he can reach for her again, I push myself between them and stare at the bigger male. “Back off!”
His hand becomes motionless in the air as he looks me over, sizing me up. “Get out of my way. This ain’t your business.”
“This is my classmate, my friend, that makes it my business. Don’t try me.” Although I’ve never interacted with the girl outside of class the guy seems to believe me. Rather than having two witnesses against one, he lowers his hand.
“Whatever, neither of you losers are worth my time.” He stalks off, being sure to steps on several loose papers on his way.
I bend down and help the girl gather her things. She looks at me through her thick round glasses. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Of course, I did. I couldn’t let him treat you like that.” I hand her the stack of her things.