“You know damn well what I’m talking about.” Marie sounds angry, but her concern breaks through.
“I know.” I look away. I feel like a small kid about to be lectured. The past week and a half have gone by patterned by my talks with Matthew and my phone calls with Scotty. Although there hasn’t been anything romantic between Mattie and I, he still laces our frequent conversations with light touches to my hair or cheeks. Scotty hasn’t had any more anger outbursts either and I’ve grown comfortable with how things are. Maybe too comfortable, but both guys take my anxieties away and I don’t want to lose that.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Matthew in the past few days, and from what I’ve seen, it’s as more than friends.” She narrows her eyes at me.
I lower my chin. “I know sometimes it seems bad, but things have changed. We sat down and had a talk about it all and we’re just friends now. Like how it used to be.”
Marie watches my face. I know she wants to get her point across, but she also knows how fragile I have been and doesn’t want to upset me too much. “How does Scott feel about your new friend?”
“He doesn’t know about him yet.” The heavy guilt that associates itself with the thought of Matthew and Scotty weighs on me.
“This isn’t like you, Katie. You can’t keep this from him. It’s not right and it’s not fair to him. You have to tell him about Matthew or if you can’t then admit there’s more going on and break it off with Scott. You can’t have both.”
“I know.” I can’t bring my eyes to meet hers.
“And personally, I hope you choose Scott. He’s so kind to you. I don’t like Matthew. I think he’s taking advantage of you.”
“You don’t understand, Marie. I don’t know what it is, but I’m so compelled by Matthew when he’s around. I forget all about my anxiety and problems and I’m swept up in the strongest desire I have ever felt. I surrender to him without knowing I’m surrendering, but he knows I only want a friendship, so nothing more has happened between us.” Other than the two previous kisses, but I can’t tell Marie about those if I’m to convince her of my intentions with Matthew.
“It seems like he’s only using your unstable emotions against you to get what he wants.”
“But he’s my friend and it’s not like we’re kissing or fooling around.” Not anymore.
“He’s not treating you like a friend; he’s treating you like a plaything. He’s warming you up to later make you do something you don’t want to.”
That hurt. Is he really that bad? Am I letting him use me? Thoughts swirl inside my mind and I feel dizzy. Marie stays silent to let what she said sink in.
“I wish you had known Mattie from before. He’d skip out on football with all his guy friends to go wandering through the woods with me looking for a castle. He’d pretend to be my knight in shining armor escorting me away from all the dangers in the world.”
“I didn’t realize how close you two were. I’m sorry, Katie, but sometimes sweet boys grow up to be jerks. He might be sugar-coating it but he’s not being sweet.”
“I thought he would have told you about us growing up together after the first time I brought him to the room. I thought that’s why you were okay with him after that.”
Marie’s brows scrunch together. “When would he have told me that? The only times I’ve seen him is when he’s with you.”
“No, the very first night. You made him leave then I went to work. When I got off work, he was waiting for me and he said he went back to talk to you and that it was all okay now.”
“Katie, he never came back to talk to me.” Her eyes grow wide with worry.
I begin to feel panicked and think back to that night. “No, he had to. He said you told him where I worked, that’s how he knew where to find me.”
“I wouldn’t tell a stranger your whereabouts. You should know that. I think he knew where to find you because he’s stalking you. He was hanging outside your classroom the day of your Calculus test. Not a cute waiting but more of a possessive one.”
I let my mind swim, trying not to drown in the conflicting thoughts. Is Marie, my best friend, lying about never having talked to Matthew in hopes I stop trusting him? Or is she telling the truth and my childhood crush has turned into a lustful monster biding his time?
On unsteady feet, I stand and walk to the bathroom. I run cold water and throw it into my face. I take deep breaths and focus on calming down. My hand begins to slide into my pocket. Maybe another finger prick will help clear my thoughts.
Before I can get the blade out, Marie changes the subject and calls to me from the room, “I never did ask, did you get your Calculus test back yet?”
“No, the professor said he should have them graded by the end of this week so I should get it back tomorrow.”
“Well, when you pass, you and I are going out to celebrate. No guys allowed.” I hear her light giggle as she attempts to bring us back to normal. “Oh, hey! I almost forgot. I bought a new movie if you’re up for it.”
I walk out of the bathroom and see Marie push the disk into the DVD player under her small TV that sits on a shelf built above her desk. She flashes me the case featuring a girl glancing teasingly behind her at a guy dressed in a suit. “What is it?” I stroll to her side of the room and slip under the blanket on her bed.
“Some cheesy romantic comedy that we’ll both hate. I’ll make the popcorn.”
We settle in leaning against the wall and each other munching on the big bowl of extra buttery popcorn. The movie starts with the main characters being polar opposites meeting by chance with the predictable foreshadowing of them falling in love.
“They always make the men in these movies such jerks before the woman comes along. Why can’t there just be nice guys for nice girls?” Marie throws a piece of popcorn at the screen.
“I think I’m doing the opposite to Scotty,” I mumble to myself.
“Are you two okay? I mean, he doesn’t know about Matthew yet, but is there something else going on?” Marie turns to me with her full attention though I wish she wouldn’t.
“I guess. The other day he became angry over something little. That’s why I’ve been afraid to say anything about Matthew. Scotty and I are doing great and I don’t want to mess it up by telling him I have a new guy friend.”
“I’m sure it’s not you that made him angry. Things at home have been rough on him and school is probably stressing him. Maybe you could go visit him this weekend”
“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.” I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face.
“Katie, every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you’re on a down it doesn’t mean you have to branch out.” I wish she would stop bringing this back to Matthew.
“I’m not trying to! I only want to be Matthew’s friend like when we were kids. He just makes it so difficult.” I watch the credits run up the black screen.
“Maybe try giving yourself some space. Try working through things with Scott. Take a break from Matthew until you work everything out and are thinking clearly. Then when you do talk to him again make sure he knows you don’t want that kind of relationship. You can tell him that, and if he doesn’t want to be just friends then he’s obviously not the same as when you were kids.” Marie climbs out of bed, turns off the TV, and puts her disk back into the case.