She hits the ball out my hand if I’m sloppy
She kicks at my feet planted
& shakes her head
“Play D! Lil’—what did I teach you?!”
Inga calling me Lil’ tells me I’m someone’s sister
Inga calling me Lil’ shows me I’m not out here on my own
& everything I do means something to someone else
& just like that I begin to play for keeps.
On the court
There is no mercy
I’m a baller
& I don’t care who is bothered by all the space
I take up.
SO, WHEN CLIFTON SAYS
that sweet sweet simile
from fourth-grade English
I force a smile
I hold his hand
& look past the bleachers for Lay Li.
The day I met Clifton at the mall
Was the day I wore my cousin Tia’s hoodie
From the thrift store
& Inga flat-ironed my hair real cute
& my bangs fell all around the front of my face
& Essa rolled her eyes at me
So I know I was fly.
PAST THE BLEACHERS
In the corner
Next to the far side of the green gym doors
Lay Li sits like the queen
surrounded by some girls from Fashion Club
They all wear their tight yellow pants
They all shine bright
like diamonds.
Lay Li see me
& usually she would wave me over
tell whatever girl on her right side to move over.
“She’s my right hand.”
But not today
We just stare each other down.
SHE LOOKS ME HARD IN MY EYES
& my knees lock into tree trunks
My eyes don’t dance like my heartbeat racing
They stare straight back hot daggers.
I remember things will never be the same.
I remember things
WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got my own ideas
I got my own body
I got my own mind.
I let Clifton lead me to the bleachers
on the opposite side of the court.
I realize as I plop down
on the bleacher seats
ain’t no one but my mama
& Lay Li
ever held my hand before.
THERE IS A RUMOR GOING AROUND
& I know it got my name on it.
That’s how Tre got shot
That’s how Teneisha got got
Rumors be the worst thing since government cheese.
Grandma Maxi say:
“Hands crisscrossed across the chest
mean you got something to hide.”
She also say “make a cheese sandwich for after-school snack”
No matter the stomachache that come for me.
Let Teneisha tell it
Keeping to yourself won’t save you
She was just at the bus stop
& the girls jumped her for wearing blue
& the girls jumped her for talking
to their boyfriends at the Mack Road mall
& the girls jumped her because she think she cute
& I don’t want my name attached to a beatdown
Or a rumor
But laws of the school say I got at least one (if not both)
coming to me.
I FIGURE IT’S THE RUMOR
Cause it gets too quiet
When I walk into a room
Like even my breath is being judged
& my whole stomach turns on itself
tight & rock hard
like I just ate one of them cheese sandwiches
I wish I could ask Lay Li what happened.
Why is everyone staring at me?
But I got too many questions
& not one person to depend on for answers.
WHEN A RUMOR HIT THE WIND
The room is a graveyard of friends
These the same girls that laugh when I laugh
But now they laugh without including me
Now they take pictures with each other
& I ain’t nowhere in the frame.
HAVE YOU EVER STARTED A RUMOR?
Like not on purpose
Maybe you shared a secret
& the secret got wings
& then someone shared that
Same secret with wings except
They gave it a candle
Cause it was too dark or something
Maybe they needed some light
& maybe the wings took flight
With the light & maybe they
Shared that same candle winged thing
With someone that don’t know or don’t care
& in the wind that flame goes
Lighting up all the dead
Do you know
how it can start
slow like a burn
or a tickle
until it’s not funny anymore?
it feels like a needle
pressing down
before the nurse gives the vaccination shot
it feels like a joke
that everyone is laughing at
except the person
they’re joking about
instead of laughing
that warm glow that grows
inside your chest & hands
& crawls across your cheeks
like some uncontrollable kind of happy