BUT I THINK MY STORY ABOUT MY FIRST KISS
begins here.
With Adrian & me facing each other
In a closet.
Adrian smells like fresh-cut grass & hay
It makes my nose itch
But at least he looks at me
& not through me.
I’m so used to people looking through me to get to Lay Li.
I don’t even realize it.
I just know my nose itches
& my palms are sweaty
& he is looking at me
His hand on my shoulder
My hand on his knee
I try to keep still to ignore the itch of my nose
But it takes my attention & won’t let go
My stomach swirls & dips
that’s got to mean something.
THE THING
about a kiss is:
if it’s too wet
it’s the worst
& if it’s too dry
it hurts.
I learned these rules reading my grandma’s Harlequin romance novels.
Someone always graces the cover in a ball gown
with the moonlight peeking from behind a castle or something
The woman’s arms are almost always wrapped tight
like a scarf around a rich-looking white man’s neck
Both their eyes closed lips locked & looking
some kind of sleep.
IN THE CLOSET I SIT & WAIT FOR ADRIAN
to close his eyes
like the romance book cover
like the movie Pretty Woman.
But he doesn’t
He looks
right
at
me
Eyes not blinking or nothing
Mouth hanging open like a barn door
& he leans in quick
Except I’m quick
TOO
Too quick
I put my head down
& give him a headbutt to the nose.
Red violet spills open everywhere.
The closet begins to smell like pennies in a wet fist
& before I can blink
The door is flung open
Adrian is tumbling out with his paws over his flooded face.
Everyone is laughing
Everyone except Lay Li.
I guess it’s cause she knows this means:
she has more work to do.
Except I ain’t never asked for her help
Just asked for her to be my friend.
HERE COME THE SENIOR BOYS
from Burbank High School
It’s been ten days since I found myself on Lay Li’s porch,
waiting
I found myself lost
This is what I remember now
Sitting by myself at an away game
Clifton on the other side of the gym with his friends
Me by myself with my memories
REMEMBER WHEN?
Lay Li said to no one in particular.
“Why she always looking at me?”
& I looked around to see who she was talking about.
“Who?”
Lay Li blinks at me slow
like I’m stupid
like she can’t believe I asked such a dumb question
Lay Li blinks slow like the red hand warning
“STOP”
& then responds
“Angel! Look at her. She always staring
at me like she want smoke!”
& I nod like I agree & I have all the answers.
REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE THE ANSWER?
but I pretended real quick
“I don’t know what she’s looking at!”
My eyes shoot daggers defending Lay Li
& Angel’s eyes go down down down
to her shoes
shell-toed sneakers with the label
faded & holding her jeans like a prayer.
Angel’s smile goes down down down
to the pit of her stomach like nightfall
like the room is spinning & she might be sick.
Then I feel sick
Because here I am with a chance to do different
& instead of being loyal to myself
I rather be loyal to Lay Li.
My mama say I got a mean mug
when things ain’t going my way
& I perfected it for moments just like this
To protect my friends
It’s what I wear when I walk home alone
It’s what I wear when I’m on the court playing ball
It’s what I wear when Essa talk slick & now
It’s what I wear when Lay Li say someone is bothering her.
Angel walks past
The boys can’t help but turn they heads.
Like Lay Li she’s pretty
But unlike Lay Li, she act like she don’t know it.
REMEMBER WHEN LAY LI SAID
“If you see something you like
You got to pretend you don’t like it so much”?
& I tried on her swag
I walked around the mall full of its see-through things
Sort of looking at boys
Sort of looking at shoes
Both of these I can’t afford.
I don’t trip
Until the air changed
& right ahead of us stands Angel
surrounded by a flock of dudes.
She’s laughing in her crop top & acid-washed jeans.
We catch her eye
& Angel smiles in my direction.