My left foot crunches into his size eleven shoes
My whole body crashes up & then back
I try to push his lower body through his stomach
I try to push through his nightmares
I want to remind him to never touch me again
I send him thrashing to the dirty concrete
Then I sit the ball down by his body squirming
& walk away slow.
I’M STILL MAD
when I walk up the block around the corner
away from Tyrone
I am steaming mad
I am
So mad I can’t hear Clifton calling my name.
He jogs from the bus stop up the hill above the playground
& right towards me
It’s like my blood is boiling
& my heart is racing
& my eyes see rain
But it’s burning up outside.
I stretch my extra T-shirt across my shoulders
I count backwards from ten
& try to remember what Cousin Inga said:
“don’t play small”
On repeat.
It’s so loud in my head
I never hear Clifton calling my name
from the edge of the basketball court
his eyes shaded by his hands
It’s too loud.
It’s too loud.
My ears ringing from the noise in my blood.
I DON’T REALIZE I’M ON THE PORCH OF LAY LI’S HOUSE
Until I ring the doorbell & sit on the porch steps
Her house is closer to the ball court
But far away enough for me to gather my thoughts
Especially in this heat.
I want to go swimming
I want to forget about the court for a minute.
Lay Li’s little sisters come outside without saying a word
I know Lay Li sent them.
“Hi,” they say in chorus
Both of their pigtails bouncing with plastic BoBo’s at the ends
Of their thick braided hair
“Hi,” I say weakly & try to smile
Then look at my reflection in their glass screen door
My messy ponytail
& my basketball shorts rumpled.
The older of the twin sisters ask: “What happened?”
& I give her a frown as my answer: nothing.
We sit there in silence for one whole minute
Before a group of kids riding by on their bikes
Catch my attention.
Their hands up in the air
Their weight balanced on the black seat
They are laughing like I used to laugh with Lay Li
& I remember Lay Li & me ain’t really
Got nothing to say no more.
I don’t know why.
I just know it is what it is.
I just know we ain’t friends no more.
I FINALLY STAND UP
& younger twin says “Lay Li said she be out in a minute”
But I shrug & say “Never mind.”
& bounce up the block
toward the street where my house sits alone
Without ever looking back.
I JUST WANT TO TELL LAY LI
about my kiss with Clifton
He is almost a whole five inches taller than me
I figure this out as I count three whole “Mississippi”s
before his lips reach mine.
This will be my third kiss.
But the first one doesn’t count.
See that’s where Lay Li comes in
& that’s why it’s important that she knows
What happens next
Because my quote-unquote first kiss
happened in a closet
In the dark
With everyone outside the door
Waiting to hear how it went.
The game was called “Seconds in Heaven”
& I ain’t really even want to play
But Lay Li said: “Don’t be a child.”
LAY LI GOT A WAY
of sounding way older than she is
which makes anyone on the other side of her advice
feel stupid or even worse, young & stupid.
Lay Li was held back a year in middle school.
She say it was right when her mama went off the deep
end & she had to raise her younger sisters, Liz & Leah,
before her daddy stepped in.
One day after school
I watched her washing mismatched plates & cereal bowls
little trails of her younger sisters’ breakfast left in the sink
her eyes never blinked but she almost smiled.
Her given name is Liliane
But she say “My mama gave me that name
& I don’t keep nothing that woman gave me.”
LAY LI SAYS GOOGLE MAKES
everything perfect
Look it up:
How do you fix a run in your stocking?
You don’t.
How do you make a boy fall in deep like?
Focus on your lip gloss
Always apply a second coat
Touch his arm whenever you can
Don’t let him grab you up
How to kiss?
Find a mirror
Purse your lips together
Kiss the glass
Make sure it isn’t wet when you pull back
& stare at the impression of your breath
Do it again
How to fight the sadness?