For a while I’d wondered if I was gay, but when I looked at guys, even if I could see their physical attractiveness, I didn’t get the desire to fuck them any more than I did women.
I’d thought I was broken. That there was something wrong with me. I’d even tried to talk to my dad about it once, and he told me I was simply maturing sexually a little slower than my peers. He’d said to talk to him again if it didn’t change. Later, when I was eighteen, he’d asked me if it’d gotten better, and I’d lied because who the fuck wanted to be broken when it came to sex?
So I’d played it off. I went on dates, and had sex, and talked about sex with my buddy Chase because that was what you were supposed to do. Sometimes I could almost fool myself. When I went off to college, I thought maybe it would get better, but it didn’t. Still, I didn’t have to pretend there because I wasn’t close enough to anyone for them to notice.
Then my parents died, and I went back to Havenwood to take care of Kellan. At that point, wanting to fuck or not didn’t matter. I had more important things to worry about, like how to raise a kid, and pay bills, and protect Kell. Focusing on him made it easier to shove my own shit into the closet. I devoted my life to him and Chase. Chase eventually left, and then it was just me, Kell, and a while after, my bar, Griff’s.
Then Chase came back and fell in love with my brother, and…I didn’t need to take care of Kell anymore. I hadn’t needed to take care of Kell in a long time. He was a grown-ass man, but again, I’d lied to myself that he needed me.
That left me Griff’s and, well, those three terms Kellan had given me when I admitted I didn’t feel the same sexual desire most people did: aromantic, asexual, and demisexual. I did a shit ton of research on them, then thought, who the fuck cared if I walked around with the desire to get my dick sucked by attractive people? I had my bar. My brother. My friends. Josh and I had this weird relationship where we hung out sometimes even though we annoyed the fuck out of each other.
After that, Remington came to town, and he and Law fell in love. They’d always been in love apparently, but they’d finally found their way back to each other.
Callum entered the picture after that. He and Knox were all-in together not long after.
It was the end of summer now. Knox’s daughter, Charlie, had gone back to Colorado with her mom. Knox and Callum were getting Knox’s son, Logan, ready to start school. It had all been hectic since earlier this summer, when Logan ended up in the hospital with an asthma attack and Knox’s ex-wife had come to town, so yeah, they weren’t around as much. Law and Remy had eased up on their visits too.
In our circle of friends, that only left me and Josh single. Where I was the least sexual person in our crew, which was a fucked-up way to word it, Josh was the most. He was always on apps, finding guys to spend a night or a couple of hours with. I got it. He didn’t have committed relationships and he enjoyed sex, so why shouldn’t he? I still didn’t get it, though; it was this muddled thing in my head, how someone could want something so much that was just whatever to me, even if it did feel good during the act.
But watching my friends pair up around me and Josh enjoying fucking his way through life, I began to feel more and more alone.
I thought maybe I wanted that too. Wanted someone. Then I told myself I didn’t do that, the feeling-needy thing. I was the one who took care of others.
That knowledge didn’t change the fact that I was currently pacing a hotel room, waiting for a man to show up, someone I’d found on an app. I’d tried women, more than one over the years, but I’d never actually been with a guy. Maybe I’d give it a go, something would finally click into place, and I’d realize I wanted to fuck a whole lot more if it was with a dude.
I was nervous as hell.
I tried sitting down, but my damn leg wouldn’t stop bouncing, making me shove to my feet and begin pacing again.
This was fucked. What had I been thinking? This was the worst idea I could have come up with. I wasn’t much into sex, so I planned to screw around with a random man when I’d never touched one sexually before?
I picked up my phone to cancel just as there was a knock on the door.
My pulse became a stampede beneath my skin, and my chest got tight. I could walk away, tell him no, or…I could try. Maybe that was all I needed.
My hand trembled slightly as I went to the door and opened it.
“Damn, man,” he said. “You’re even sexier in person.” It had taken me hours to find someone. I scrolled through profiles, trying to see what kind of guy I would even want. He was about my height, with chestnut-brown hair. He had a nice body, long, lean, and muscular, which I knew because there had been pictures of his abs, back, and ass all over his profile. He liked to work out. Exercise was one of his favorite hobbies, and he played on a gay men’s volleyball team. “You okay?” His brow furrowed. Shit. I hadn’t replied.
“Sorry. My head’s a little…distracted. Come in.”
It wasn’t until he entered the room that I realized I hadn’t returned his compliment. Still, I just closed the door behind him.
“Jesus, I can’t wait to see what you’re packin’.” He reached out and cupped my crotch. On my search, I’d specifically looked for a bottom, assuming that if I was going to be into sex with a guy, I’d be a top.
“I… Thanks,” I replied, because what did a guy say when someone grabbed their dick? This was what I’d asked him to come here for. The whole point. I’d made sure he knew it—sex, no names, leave.
He chuckled. “This is going to be fun. I’ve never had sex with a guy who’s never been with a man before. Let’s get these off you, sexy.”
He looked at me, I nodded, and…wait…he sort of looked familiar.
I shoved that thought away as he bent down. I’d already taken off my shoes, so he worked the button and zipper of my jeans before tugging them down my thighs. “Oh yeah, I’m definitely going to like playing with you. Look at this bulge.”
He cupped me through my boxer briefs, and while I could appreciate the compliment—I knew I wasn’t lacking in the size department—I still wasn’t feeling anything moving around down there. There was no true lust, no true desire, but if he played with me, I knew I’d get hard simply because of biology.
“Never had any complaints,” I finally managed to say, and the guy laughed at me again.
He got my pants off and then went for my underwear, but my hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. “Wait. Can we kiss first?”
Christ, as soon as I’d said the words, I wanted them back. Can we kiss first? I sounded like a scared virgin and, well, I was a little nervous and I’d never been with a guy, so I guessed that was exactly what I was.
I helped him to his feet. When he told me to take off my shirt, I did. We went over to the bed and sat down. He held the back of my head and leaned in, pressed his lips to mine, and it felt…okay. Like a kiss. Like kisses always felt—lips and tongues and spit.
When he rubbed my cock and kissed me, I started to ache and my dick went hard because, again, biology. But something didn’t feel right. This was off. My body could react, but my insides weren’t getting into it—my thoughts and my brain and my need. Why should I have sex with a random guy to prove I could? Was it really going to change anything? It might make me realize I want men and not women.