He grinned again. “I know we talked about it a little that day, but I wanted to make sure. You’re the most important person in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I’ll always acknowledge that, and I’ll always feel like the luckiest guy in the world for having Griffin Caine for my brother.”
I rolled my eyes playfully. “All right, all right. No need to get all mushy.”
Kellan laughed. We talked for a little while about their plans. Kellan and Chase wanted to get married in the spring. After that, they planned on getting pregnant. “We’re gonna use my sperm. I would have been happy either way. I just want a baby. But Chase, you know how he is. He said he’s always been a Caine. He holds no ties to the Hawthorne genes.”
I didn’t know why, but hearing that made my pulse speed up. I would have loved the baby equally no matter what, but… “I like that. Knowing maybe she’ll look like Mom or have Dad’s eyes, ya know?”
Kellan cocked a brow. “She, huh? You already think you know that?”
“I do. Trust me. The world’s greatest uncle knows these things.”
We laughed.
“Chase also said, when we get married, he wants to either take our last name or hyphenate it with Caine first.”
It was odd how some things could make you happy, could feel right in so many ways but also cause the cold hand of loneliness to wrap around you. It was how I felt in that moment. Chase being a Caine was…right. It just was. He always should have been a Caine, and he’d always been a brother to me. On the other hand, I realized I might want…well, some of what they had, but I didn’t think I’d ever get it. I’d never been in love, didn’t enjoy sex all that much. I was different.
I cleared my throat. “That’s good. Perfect. He’ll be my brother in name too.”
Kellan nearly glowed, he looked so damn happy.
The waitress brought our meals after that. We ate and bullshitted about random things. My stomach felt slightly queasy as we got to the end of our lunch. I was nervous to tell him about going away with Josh. Not that I thought Kellan would mind—he didn’t really work that way—but because I was still twisted up and confused about it myself.
“So…” I said, rubbing a hand along my jaw.
“Do tell. I’m intrigued. I have a feeling this is going to be juicy.”
“You’re such a dork.”
“You’re stalling.”
“No, but I am taking a trip with Josh. We’re going to get a cabin in Asheville. Don’t know why really, and you guys are welcome to come. Maybe the whole crew can go, but yeah, we are. Taking a trip. I can’t remember the last time I went away. I need it.” I’d just had a weird case of rambling, which was odd for me. I’d add it to the list of all the other fucked-up shit going on lately.
“Okay, why are you acting like you’re nervous to tell me this? Did you think I’d care?”
“No, not really. More my issue than anything.”
Kellan cocked his head, looking at me with familiar inquisitive eyes. Kell was always so damn curious about the world. I envied him that in some ways. “Is there something going on between the two of you that you need to talk to me about?”
My mouth fell open, and my heart thudded. “What? No. Why in the hell would you think that?”
“I don’t know, but it would be okay if there was. I’d be a little worried, but it would be okay. I’m always around if you need to talk. About anything. No matter what. Or if you’d rather not with me, there’s Chase or Remy. I know you and Remy have gotten close.”
“Stop.” I waved him off. “There’s nothing concerning Josh that I need to talk to you or anyone else about.” But lately, I’d felt…different—that damn word kept popping up—with him. He drove me crazy more often than not. It had felt weird when he walked away with that guy in Richmond, not to mention my fucked-up night in the hotel room with a Josh lookalike. “Aren’t I supposed to be the one offering to talk to you about things? I’m the big brother.”
“Nope. Absolutely not. We’re equal-opportunity brothers, and I’m a big kid now.” It shouldn’t have, but his words gave me a pang in my chest. Kellan really didn’t need me anymore. Maybe he never had. Where did that leave me?
“You’re right. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.”
“You didn’t, Griff. God, you’re so damn hard on yourself, and you don’t even see it. You don’t have to take care of the world. Let someone take care of you sometimes.”
I played with a straw wrapper, unable to look at him. He was right. I knew he was, but I didn’t know if I could change it.
“I want you to be happy. Are you happy, brother?” he asked, and I sucked in a sharp breath. Was I happy? That shouldn’t be such a hard question to answer.
“As I’ve ever been, I guess.” Except now I was more lonely.
“I want more for you.”
I thought maybe I wanted more for me too, I just didn’t know what or how to get it.
“Do me a favor, would you?” When I nodded, Kellan continued. “Keep your options open. Don’t limit yourself in any way. You’ve got the biggest heart of anyone I know. Follow it and let it put you first, not other people, okay?”
I considered talking to him about that night in the hotel room all those months ago. Not about that guy looking like Josh, of course, but just that I’d wanted…something, and that hadn’t been it. It felt weird, though, so I didn’t. “Whatever you say, kid. And hell, I can’t call you that. You’re going to be a dad soon. That’s freaky as fuck.”
“Right? I’m happy, Griff. I never saw this for myself. I never thought my dreams would come true, but I’m so damn happy.”
I nodded, my chest feeling full. “I know you are. And I’m happy for you. No one deserves it more than you.”
“I can think of one person.”
“I’m fine, Kell.” I was. I had no reason not to be.
“Whatever you say. So tell me about this trip with my bestie? Wait. What are you doing with the bar? This is so unlike you!”
“I talked to Miguel. He’s going to take care of things for me.”
“Holy shit. I can’t believe you’re leaving your bar. This is crazy. You must trust him. Also, Nat wants his dick, by the way. I know she wouldn’t mind me telling you that.”
“No shit? Josh said he thought Miguel was into her too.”
“Ooh! What if they fell in love? Nat needs someone so badly. Of course, he would also need to accept the fact that Nat is gonna be my baby oven. If he can deal with that, I hope they get together. I want everyone to be as happy as I am.”
I laughed, but then a pair of familiar gray eyes popped into my head, and a familiar pair of laughing lips…
I damn near fell off the chair. Josh had no business in my head when I was thinking about happiness and falling for someone. It was the craziest motherfucking thing that could ever possibly make its way into my brain, was what it was.
I wasn’t starting to feel…interested in Josh. I couldn’t be. And even if I was, which I wasn’t, there was no way he’d feel the same. We weren’t anything close to a match for each other.