“Uh, yeah. Single Girl Rule #20: You may squeeze your friend’s boob no more than twice to compliment a good outfit.”
“Wait, are those really in the rules?”
“Mhm. I’ll show you later.”
“Aren’t they right there?” She looked over at my bed, but I stepped in front of her.
“There’s no time for this!” Ash looked like a homeless person. This was an emergency situation. “I’ll recite them for you later. And I do love your outfit.” I tried not to gag at the lie. “But…tonight you have to dress in something I’d wear.”
“Why?”
“Because I have a master plan.” I threw a sexy little black number at her and then dug a blonde wig out of my closet. I was always prepared for any wardrobe emergency. “Put that on.”
“Why do you have a wig that looks like your hair?”
“Just in case I go all Britney and shave it off. You never know what a drunken night can lead to. Everyone in the spotlight is bound to have a moment. Now put it on and let’s get going.”
“Why exactly am I dressing like you?”
“Because I have a way to get rid of Ghost and Teddybear.” That got her attention. “For the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to ditch them. But then I saw Rule #19: Never wear the same dress as a friend, unless you’re attempting the sexy twins gambit. And then I saw Rule #7: Pics or it didn’t happen, and everything kinda fell into place. It is so on.”
“The sexy twins what?”
“I’ll explain more later. First change.”
Ash sighed and looked down at the outfit. “This dress looks more like a shirt.”
“Thank you.”
She shook her head, but instead of protesting anymore, she changed. And she looked almost as good blonde as she did with red hair.
“Is my butt hanging out?” Ash asked.
“Only a little.”
She looked down her back. “How will this get rid of your bodyguards exactly? Is my ass really gross enough to scare them off?”
“Girl, no. Your ass is beautiful. Here, come closer. It’s makeover time.”
She stuck her tongue out at me.
But I ignored it. I even applied a perfect layer of lipstick around that tongue. I was pretty talented, thank you very much. After all, I’d been doing my own hair and makeup ever since I was five. Except for special occasions of course. I wasn’t a barbarian.
When I was finished with the mascara I stepped back. “You look amazing.” My work here was done. “Now get going.” I gestured to the door.
“Um…aren’t we going to the party together?”
I put my hands on her shoulders and prepared myself for her fury. “No.”
“What the hell, Chastity! You promised you wouldn’t ditch me and now you’re ditching me before we even go!”
“Technically you’re ditching me. But just trust me.”
“I don’t even know where the party is.”
“Oh, right. Get this. The dean is hellbent on shutting this party down. So Jock #1’s frat set up this whole scavenger hunt that they’re going to lead him on all over campus. And the whole time the party is going to be happening at the dean’s mansion.”
“I’m out.” Ash started pulling her dress over her head.
“Whoa, hold on.” I put my hand on her arm to stop her from taking her dress off and ruining her hair. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not going to go to a rager at the dean’s mansion. We’re all going to get arrested and end up in prison. And I’m not built for that. I don’t even know how to carve a shank, much less how to keister it.”
“Well maybe if you’d try anal with me then you’d be better prepared for such things. Anyway, here’s the plan.” I leaned in and whispered. “Teddybear said I’m not allowed to go to the party. So you’re going to run out of the room dressed like me and make a mad dash for the exit. While those dumb-dumbs chase you, I’ll sneak out.”
“So I’m just your decoy?” asked Ash. “You don’t actually want me at the party?” She sounded so sad.
“What? Of course I want you at the party. As soon as the guards realize that they’ve been duped they’ll leave you alone and try to hunt me down. Which will give you the perfect opportunity to come to the party too. It’s the perfect plan.”
“Are you sure we shouldn’t just stay in and watch The Office? I feel like that’s so much better than going to prison.” She looked longingly at the TV.
“Prison? I don’t think so. Single Girl Rule #29: Single girls don’t get speeding tickets.” I knew it didn’t quite apply in this situation, but damn I loved quoting these rules.
“Having an illegal party at the dean’s house is a little more serious than a speeding ticket. We could get booked for a million different things. Underage drinking. Breaking and entering. Conspiracy to rape private property. Treason!” She got more frantic with every word.
“So first of all those aren’t even all real crimes. And second of all…I’m kind of hoping we do get arrested tonight. Have you seen how hot the campus police officers are? I’ll tell you what - if we get arrested, you can have first dibs on which officer you want to fuck.”
“No way. Nope. Uh uh.” Ash shook her head.
“Suit yourself. If you want me to have all the fun, I’m not going to complain. Anyway, let’s get back to the plan. I feel like they’re going to catch you pretty quickly, so maybe flirt with them a bit to buy me some extra time. Bonus points if you slap their butts and make fun of their little dicks. I’ll see you in a half-hour at the dean’s house.”
“I’m not going to talk about their penises.”
“But it would really help.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“Chastity!”
I laughed. “Fine. Just make sure you get around the corner so they don’t see me sneak out. Go get ‘em, Chastity #2.”
“Don’t call me that.” She exhaled slowly. “I’ll see you in half an hour.”
“Make sure you keep your head down,” I reminded her as I opened the door and shoved her out into the hall.
“Hey!” yelled Teddybear. “Stop!”
As soon as their footsteps faded into the distance, I grabbed my umbrella, opened the door, and slipped out.
Phase 1 was complete. And if I do say so myself, it was executed perfectly. All thanks to the Single Girl Rules telling me about the sexy twins gambit. I hated to think about how much of a basic bitch I was before I found those glorious rules.
If phase 2 went as well, my bodyguards would soon be a distant, sexy memory.
Chapter 4 - Road Head
Friday - Sept 6, 2013
Thunder rumbled and I shivered.
For the first time since coming onto campus, I kind of wish my bodyguards were with me. It was a little creepy to be walking alone at night without protection. But…this was for Ash. Sacrifices had to be made for besties. Single Girl Rule #1: Boys are replaceable. Friends are forever. And I was going to take that very literally. Goodbye you naughty little stalker boys.