“That’s very thoughtful of you.”
I nodded. But my mind was elsewhere. I was running out of time to come up with a plan to ditch these idiots. There was no way I was going to miss the party of the century.
A few days ago I would have just been able to run away from them. But they’d gotten wise to my tricks and swapped their dress shoes out for running shoes. It was dreadfully annoying to not be able to ditch them, but I had to admit that the combination of suits and running shoes did something to my lady bits.
When we got to the exit, I stopped. “Umbrella me.”
Ghost just stared at me like I was insane.
Gah. “Not you, little grumpkin.” I stepped around him to look at Teddybear. “Umbrella me.”
Like a good little boy, he opened up my umbrella for me just as I stepped out into the rain. Not a drop of rain fell on me. But he got absolutely drenched.
What? It wasn’t my fault he didn’t bring an umbrella for himself. Besides, I was teaching them both a lesson. The lesson was a simple one. I didn’t want them here. They were terrifying my new bestie and I couldn’t have that. So if they stuck around I was going to make them miserable.
It didn’t take us long to reach Slavanka’s dorm. She opened up the door for us and her eyes landed on my dripping wet security detail. Her eyes grew round.
Yeah, I got it. I had two very delicious bodyguards. But they were also the worst. If they followed her around, she’d understand.
“Ignore them,” I said. “Do you have the rules?”
She lifted up the original document and I swore I heard harps playing. If I’d been facing the windows, I bet the rain would have stopped and a rainbow would have appeared for the two seconds before she handed me the Russian original and the English translation.
I exhaled slowly. It felt like I was holding the most important document ever written. Like more important than the Declaration of Independence. Who cared about some dumb complaints written by a bunch of old dudes? These rules had been written by a sexy Russian goddess, I just knew it. And I was #TeamGoddess. “Wow they feel…heavy.”
“It is paper.”
Those were the first words she’d ever said to me. We’d gone full circle. “Slavanka you funny bitch.” I looked down at the list. I didn’t have time to read all the rules right now. Technically the party had already started. And I didn’t want to be more than two hours late. Two hours late was exactly the right vibe I wanted to present to Jock #1. Not desperate, but also the classic “I bothered to show up so fuck me” attitude. And I needed every minute of time remaining to wrassle Ash into a suitable slutty number.
But one rule caught my eye. The perfect rule. Rule #19: Never wear the same dress as a friend, unless you’re attempting the sexy twins gambit.
OMG. O. M. Freaking. G! I looked over at my bodyguards. I still didn’t know how to get rid of them for good, those drenched bastards. But I 100% knew how to go to the party and ditch them for longer than I ever had before. The Single Girl Rules were an amazing blessing. And I needed to make sure I didn’t get them as wet as my bodyguards were. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I folded the rules up and slipped them into my bra. They’d be safe in there from the rain.
“Thanks, Slavanka,” I said. “See you in class!”
“Yes.”
I waved goodbye and hurried back to my dorm. But when I reached my building I stopped. “You can’t come up while we’re changing.”
Ghost lowered his eyebrows at me.
“You two perverts are freaking out Ash. So you stay here like the good boys you are. I’ll be down in thirty minutes. Ish.”
“Down for what?” Teddybear asked. “I texted your father, and you are absolutely not allowed out tonight. Or any night until your father deems it safe.”
“That’s a shame. I guess you’ll just be standing out here all night then.”
“We’re not going to stand out here in the rain.”
“Why? Because you want to creep on me and Ash changing for the party? I wonder what Daddy would think about that…”
“We’ll stand guard in the hallway, then.”
Damn. That would make my plan more difficult. But not impossible.
They escorted me up to my room. I blew them a kiss as the door thudded behind me. I was surprised that Ash wasn’t in the room. Hopefully she was putting on tons of makeup in the bathroom, although I found that pretty unlikely.
I quickly changed into the outfit I’d picked out earlier. And since Ash still wasn’t back, I pulled out the Single Girl Rules and started reading them. The first section was labeled “10 commandments”:
1. Boys are replaceable. Friends are forever.
2. Girls’ night is every Friday. No exceptions.
3. Never let a friend go into a bathroom alone.
4. You can never have too many shoes.
5. Have wine in your purse at all times.
6. Always kiss and tell.
7. Pics or it didn’t happen.
8. If a man has 8 abs and 8 inches, he may not be refused.
9. If you hear about a well-hung man, share the news.
10. All celebrations of important life events must involve strippers.
Dear lord. These are perfect! They were exactly what I’d been missing in my life. I couldn’t believe how many of them I’d been violating. Like not having a girls’ night every Friday. And what the heck had I been doing not taking pictures of all my lovers?
Speaking of which…
Oh my God! That’s it! It was suddenly so clear to me how I was going to solve my bodyguard issue once and for all. I was frankly ashamed that I hadn’t figured out this solution earlier. I could already see a classic seduction blackmail plan forming in my head. It was an oldie but a goodie and it had been right in front of me the whole freaking time. For the first time ever, I felt a little basic. I shook the thought away. It wouldn’t do any good to dwell on that, though, because obvs I wasn’t actually basic. But more importantly…there were more Single Girl Rules to read!
One read-through was all it took to commit these bad boys to memory. Most material took me two passes, but these just made sense. It didn’t feel like I was learning, it was more like I was reading an innate truth about the very essence of life.
The door of our dorm creaked open. I placed the rules down on my bed. I didn’t want to take them with me to the party because with my new plan there was a 100% chance I was going to end up naked. The rules wouldn’t be safe in my bra tonight.
“Jesus, Chastity,” said Ash, covering her eyes. “What are you wearing?”
“Uh, a super cute outfit?” I twirled my leather leash around but froze when I saw what outfit she’d landed on. “The real question is, what are you wearing? I hate to do this, but I’m going to have to invoke Single Girl Rule #17: Friends don’t let friends wear ugly outfits. #RealTalk.” I freaking loved these rules.
Ash looked down at her frumpy t-shirt with the saddest look on her face. It was soul-crushing. I never wanted to see her that sad again.
“Just kidding. You look hot.” I reached out and gave her boobs two very complimentary honks.
Her sadness morphed into utter bewilderment. “Did you just grab my boobs?”