The pilot turned around. “Um. Where?”
He was probably expecting me to yell ‘anywhere.’ But despite what everyone thought, I wasn’t a runaway bride. I was so excited to marry my shmoopie poo. But I just needed to do this one thing first.
***
Everyone on campus stared at me as we made our way to the library. Or maybe they were staring at Ash’s hideous dress. I smiled to myself.
“Justin has called me 17 times,” said Ash. “Just since we landed! We need to get back to the helicopter ASAP.”
“Not until the Single Girl Rules are back in their rightful place.”
“The ceremony starts in an hour!”
“I know. And this is great practice for my walk down the aisle.” I smiled and waved at some rando as I did my graceful walk. I’d practiced it a thousand times.
“Um…so…are we going to go back?”
“We’re here!” I ran up the library steps.
“That wasn’t an answer to my question!” Ash said as she hurried after me in her hooker heels.
And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I think hookers are awesome and I totally respect their lifestyle. I’d met plenty of guys who’d thought I was a hooker. And I always took it as a compliment.
“Why are we at the library?” asked Ash.
“Shhh. Students are studying.”
“No, they're all looking at you.”
“Huh.” I held my head up even higher. Now that I thought about it, any guy here would totally bang me in this dress. Because not only did I look hot AF, but who didn’t want to be someone’s last shag before they got hitched? But alas…none of these guys looked hot enough. “This way.” I grabbed Ash’s hand and pulled her up the stairs.
“Seriously, Chastity. We have to get back. Stop messing around. I’m starting to stress sweat and this taffeta shows everything.”
“I know, it’s amazing.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you love me. And I’m not messing around.” I passed one aisle of books and then the next. Which aisle was it? I didn’t love the library. I’d rather reread Twilight than pick up some useless textbook. But this had always been a great place to fuck cute college boys. Speaking of which…the guy in the military history aisle was totally eye-fucking me. And I could just tell he had a big cock. Probably at least 8 inches. Maybe more.
“Don’t do whatever you’re thinking about doing,” said Ash.
“What am I thinking about doing?”
“Fucking that guy.”
“Wrong! It would be too complicated in this dress to fuck him. I was thinking about blowing him.”
“There’s no time for that!”
“But I’ll be so quick about it. I can totes make him cum in like 2 minutes flat. #NoGagReflex.”
Ash stared at me.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not being bad!”
“Yes you are! It’s the day of your wedding and you’re thinking about blowing some rando.”
“Exactly. It’s the day of my wedding. As in…my wedding hasn’t happened yet. As in, I’m still a single girl. And thus the Single Girl Rules still apply to me.”
“Can we please just find this shelf and then get back to the wedding? You know what being late does to me!”
Hmmm… She had a point. She got so weird when she was going to be late. It was one of her greatest fears. And as much as I wanted to torture her for what she’d made me wear at her first wedding, I wasn’t that cruel. And anyway…I was about to get all the cock I needed on my honeymoon.
I scanned the aisles. Seriously…what the hell had they done when they remodeled this place? Did these basic bitches know nothing about the Dewey Decimal System? Ah! There it is! I yanked Ash into the Russian literature section.
“What the actual fuck is happening right now?” she asked.
I stopped at the third shelf and scanned the spines for… “I got it!” I pulled out the book with the gold edges and maroon cover. I couldn’t read a single word in Russian. But one day I’d wandered down this abandoned aisle to make out with some jock. We’d knocked this book off the shelf during our hot make-out sesh. And there the Single Girl Rules were in all their glory. “This is where I found them.” I held up the book.
“Right. The whole you-found-them-while-making-out-with-some-hot-jock story. I remember.”
“Then why don’t you believe me?”
“Because you made the Single Girl Rules up!”
“I did not.” I’d never shown the original document to Ash. It was too precious to show to anyone, even to my bestie. But now that I was putting them back, it was time for her to see the rules in all their glory. I lifted up my skirt.
“Stop it! You’re going to get us arrested for real this time.”
“I’m not stripping. Why do you always shame strippers, anyway? Single Girl Rule #10…”
“I know. Rule #10: All celebrations of important life events must involve strippers. I freaking hate that rule.”
“You’re not going to like a few things at the wedding then.” I lifted my skirt higher and pulled the folded-up piece of paper out of my garter. I’d been putting it there for years. It’s where I held all my most sacred belongings. So…the Single Girl Rules and spare condoms. You never knew when you’d need an extra condom. Well, I kind of did. The answer was quite a bit. I was a big believer in one orgasm not being nearly enough. Our bodies were designed to have more than that. #OrgasmFacts.
I unfolded the paper and showed it to Ash.
“What the hell is that? Is that in Russian?”
“Yup. The original Single Girl Rules were in Russian. It took a Russian exchange student a couple of days to translate them.”
“That’s why you kept hanging out with Slavanka?”
“Yeah. She was super cool.”
“I thought you were trying to find a new best friend.”
“What? Never. You’re my best friend, Ash. Always and forever.” I folded the original Single Girl Rules Russian edition back up and tucked it into the book. “I should probably leave the translated version with it, right? That’ll make things easier for the next single girl who finds them.” I pulled my Single Girl Rules membership card out of my bra and put it in the book too.
“I can’t believe they’re actually real.” Ash looked…shook.
“I told you. They’re a sacred tradition for single girls all over the world. It’s an international thing.”
“But…how? All the rules are so…ridiculous.”
“They’re not ridiculous at all! I mean just look at Rule #1: Boys are replaceable. Friends are Forever.”
“Right. That one is normal. That’s pretty much the only normal one. And you even make that rule dirty.”
She laughed. “I know. Do you remember that night when I first told you about the rules?” It was right after I’d gotten them translated. And I couldn’t wait to put them into action.
“Chastity, your wedding starts in…” she looked at her phone. “40 minutes! We need to get back.”