“My English is not so good.”
“That’s okay, just give me the best translation you have.”
She looked back down at the paper and tilted her head to the side. “Okay. I will do this. Rule #1 is…Boys are replaceable. Friends are forever.”
“That is so true.” I was finally learning that very thing. Having Ash as a friend was one of my favorite parts of my college experience so far. Well, that and all the dirty sex. “That’s a good solid rule.”
“Yes, yes.”
“How many rules are there?”
“Very many.”
“That makes sense.” I’d always had a hard time keeping friends. I probably didn’t know some of these rules. “What about this one?” I pointed to a random line on the paper.
“Oh. Oh my. Lots of sex talk.”
“Ah!” So it wasn’t just about friendship. It was about my favorite subject. I wonder if it covers anal too… “I’m so excited!”
She laughed.
“Slavanka, I love you. How long will it take to translate all of these?”
“One day. Two maybe.”
“Thank you!” I gave her a big hug. “I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you. You’re seriously the best.” I suddenly felt bad for silently calling her a whore a few minutes ago. She wasn’t a whore at all. Well…unless she was. Which was fine. I was cool with that. I could tell we were going to be good friends too. Slavanka was a kinky bitch.
***
“You won’t even believe what I found today,” I said as I bit into another big juicy burger. Another thing I’d learned from Ash…I didn’t have to eat salads all the time like my stupid fake friends back in New York. Ash looked amazing and she ate whatever she wanted. And burgers and fries were freaking great. If I was lucky, any weight I did gain would go right to my tits. My tits loved meats and bread.
“What did you find? I just found out that you can take these weird gym glasses that actually count toward credits to your GPA.”
“Yeah…what I found out was nothing like that. But now I’m curious. What kind of weird gym classes are we talking about? I’ve been dying to take pole classes.”
“Like pole vaulting?”
I laughed. “No, more of the stripper variety.”
“Oh.” Ash’s eyes grew round. “No, these classes are like…frisbee. Which sucks because I’m terrible at frisbee. Every time I throw one I lose it.”
“Like…you throw it too high?”
“No. It like goes over a fence of an evil neighbor never to be seen again. Or on the roof. Or in a tree. That kind of thing.”
“We should probably skip taking that class then. Next semester we’re totally signing up for everything together.”
“We are?”
“Of course. That’s what best friends do. And speaking of best friends…that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I was making out with Jock #3 in the library today and a magical book fell from a shelf. And inside was this list of rules to live by. Angelic music started playing in the library. I swear it was like I was in a movie. It was all very mysterious and amazing. And I’m pretty sure we’re going to have the best college experience ever. Slavanka’s going to translate the rules for me.”
“I have no idea what half of what you said means. And who’s Slavanka?”
“This super cool Russian exchange student. You’ll love her.”
“Wait, and she needs to translate the angelic rules?”
“Oh right. I forgot to say. They’re in Russian.”
“Well of course.”
“Right. Fancy rules are never in English. I really need to drop that class.”
Ash started laughing. And then she started laughing even harder. “What the hell are you talking about right now? Your train of thought is insane.”
“My train of thought? You just talked about taking a frisbee class even though you’re a frisbee disappearing act.”
She started laughing harder.
Which made me laugh too. I swore, if I’d said something like that to any other girl they would have flipped their hair over their shoulder and walked away. But not Ash. She didn’t mind when I told it to her straight. And I was glad she did the same with me.
I tried to stop laughing but it was hard because when Ash laughed her face got all red and for some reason that made me laugh more. “Girl, stop it! Don’t you want to know what the first rule is?”
“I thought Slavanka was translating them?”
“Yeah. I’ll have the whole list soon. But the first rule is: Boys are replaceable. Friends are forever. I’m going to start living by that motto hard.”
“How hard?”
“So. Hard.”
“That’s what she said!”
I laughed. We’d been binge-watching The Office at night before bed. And one of our favorite things was “that’s what she said” jokes. I should have seen the hard comment ending that way. I’d totally set her up.
I leaned forward and lowered my voice. “Guess what else is on the list?”
“I don’t know. Like other basic girl code stuff probably. Like don’t go to the bathroom alone kind of thing.”
“These are not basic girl code rules.”
“The first one seemed normal enough…”
“Yeah, but the rest of them are filled with sex rules.”
“Wait. What?”
“Yeah. Slavanka looked all shocked by the illicit content in the rules. And I am here for it. I’ve been dying to try anal for a while and I’m so excited to see what the rules say about that.”
“Anal? Like…probing?”
“Yes. I think the first time is kinda painful because you have to get a little stretched out first. We should probably do it together.”
“No thanks.”
“Ash, you have to live a little.”
“I like my butthole intact, thank you very much.”
I started laughing really hard this time. Which just made her start laughing again.
“Oh my gosh, Ash. I almost forgot to tell you because I was so excited about the Single Girl Rules. We’re invited to a party on Friday night.”
“Did Jock #3 ask you?”
“No, Jock #3 was a total loser. And his jock status was very questionable. I actually bumped into Jock #1 when I was running late for my second class. Since I’d stayed late to talk to Slavanka and everything.”
“Of course. And Jock #1 invited you to the party?”
“Mhm.”
“Well there you go. I’m not invited. He invited you. I was thinking on Friday I’ll just snuggle up in bed and watch more of The Office.”
“Without me?”
Ash shrugged.
“No way, you slut.”
Ash laughed. “Parties aren’t really my thing.”
“Yeah, but this party is everyone’s thing. Rumor has it that the dean has been dying to shut it down for years. It’s the first epic party of the school year. And it moves every year to a new location so the dean can’t find it. I won’t even know where it is until I get the text Friday night. It’s all very hush-hush and so freaking cool.”