I waited for the long pause to finish so I could get a response from him.
He dropped his hand and his gaze and stared at the table. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
He needed to take a long pause to tell me that? That he just didn’t care anymore? That he wasn’t spending his nights heartbroken like I was? “So, your response to trauma is not to feel anything at all? To just turn everything off and hurt someone worse than you’ve ever been hurt in your life? That’s the kind of coward you are?”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through—”
“Because you won’t tell me!” I raised my voice and came forward, so furious that I couldn’t sit still. “Tell me what happened, Derek. Tell me what happened with Tabitha and Kevin.”
He wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Wow.” I shook my head. “I’ve never thought you were an asshole, regardless of what you did, what you said, what you went through. But now…I do think you’re an asshole. You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, his eyes hard like that meant nothing to him.
“Derek, I’ve been patient and forgiving countless times. But if you keep up this bullshit for too long, you’re going to miss your opportunity to fix this. Don’t expect me to wait around until you pull your head out of your ass. I don’t care if you’re the love of my life. I deserve better than that, and if you aren’t going to be what I deserve, then I’ll move on.”
He was quiet for a long time, just regarding me.
I hoped the tough love would snap him out of this. I meant what I said, and it wasn’t a ploy to get his reaction. But I hoped it would light a fire under his ass and make him see reason.
His response was a knife to the heart. “I want you to keep working for me. You’re good at your job. But maybe we shouldn’t interact anymore. Ronnie can take you to work, and I’ll drive myself. We can communicate via email.” As if the conversation was over, he dropped his chin and returned to work.
It was fortunate that he looked down because my tears were uncontrollable. They welled up my eyes and spilled over my lashes and fell down my cheeks. I didn’t release a sniff or wipe them away. I turned around and walked off, not wanting him to see how he’d ripped me into pieces with his painful indifference.
I didn’t want him to see how he’d ruined me.
Not that he would care if he did know.
Lizzie read Derek’s book on the couch in front of the TV. “Mom? When are we going to see Derek next? I feel like we haven’t seen him in forever.”
I stayed in the armchair, feeling absolutely numb, the same way Derek must feel right now, like it was impossible to feel anything but this subtle state of raw depression. “He’s just been busy. We’ll see him soon.” I didn’t lie to my daughter to buy Derek more time. His cold dismissal told me he wasn’t going to snap out of this—ever. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her, to start talking about it, because I would burst into tears and sob in front of Lizzie.
Lizzie stopped reading and turned her head to look at me. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I kept my voice controlled. “Just tired.”
She continued to study me, her eyes narrowing like she didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? Because you look—”
“I said I’m fine, Lizzie.” I snapped at my daughter when she was just showing concern, but I really wanted the questions to stop, for her to stop picking at my wound that was still fresh and red…about to bleed out everywhere.
But it made me feel worse, to treat her that way.
And that made me hate Derek, hate him for what he’d done to me.
Maybe I would handle my heartbreak better if I’d been heartbroken before. I didn’t fall in love in college or at some other point in my adult life. This was the first time it had ever happened to me, on the cusp of thirty, and it was such a hard time to experience it. It was like chicken pox, which was manageable to get as a child, but absolute torture as an adult.
And this was absolute torture.
3
Derek
Dad texted me. Want to come over for dinner tonight?
I’ve got a lot of work to do. Next time. He’d asked me last week and I’d blown him off, and then I did it again this week. Every time they asked, I would keep doing the same thing until they stopped asking altogether.
We’re planning to do Christmas at the cabin. Will that be okay?
Sure. I wasn’t going to Christmas. I didn’t even know when Christmas was. I grabbed my phone and checked the date. Jesus, it was in less than a week.
Will Emerson and Lizzie be joining us?
I stared at that message and immediately felt irritated. I knew this topic would come up eventually. I wished I could just say it was over and then be done with it. But if I told him the truth, it would result in a phone call…and a conversation…and another conversation. I’ll ask her.
Alright. Love you.
Love you too.
“Are you and Emerson no longer seeing each other?” Jerome stood beside me and asked the question while his eyes were on his work.
The question shook my focus. “Why?”
“She never comes in here anymore except to bring lunch, and…you’re different.”
“I’m fine.”
“So…are you seeing each other or not?”
I kept working. “No.”
Jerome was quiet and still. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine.” I kept working.
“Are you sure? Because ever since the rocket—”
I snapped. “If you want to go out with her, go ahead. I don’t give a damn, Jerome.”
“Uh, that’s not why I’m asking.” He stepped away slightly, like he felt like he needed to give me space. “I’m just checking in to make sure you’re okay. That’s all. And it doesn’t seem like you are.”
“I said I was fine.” I lifted my chin and looked at him, giving him a cold stare that warned him not to press this. “We’ve got a lot of shit to do before Christmas break, so can we focus?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I sat alone in the warehouse, working on the rover I intended to work on over Christmas. I didn’t want to take a trip to the cabin with my family. Hot cocoa and long conversations sounded dreadful right now.
Her heels tapped against the floor as she approached me. “Derek?” Her voice was firm and professional.
I lifted my chin and looked at her because it was the first time we’d spoken that week.
Her gaze was disgusted, like having this conversation with me was unpleasant. “I’m leaving for Christmas break. Is there anything you need me to take care of before I go?” Her hands came together in front of her waist, her body posture completely different than it used to be.
I shook my head.
She turned around the second she was dismissed. “Have a good Christmas, Derek.”