So, I’ll have to explain. It was one of those unfortunate things where the snowball effect just … took over.
I kissed a boy in the hallway. I got in a fight over said boy with another girl. And then, for some unknown reason, I kissed his best friend.
I will eventually have to explain myself.
To her.
To my parents.
I’m just not sure how I will do it. How can I make anyone understand what my time here has been like? How do I explain what it was like, moving in with someone I didn’t even know and having them automatically not like me? Dating his best friend? Realizing I loved them both? How do I explain the effect Noah has on me? How much he calms me down? How do I explain not having even kissed him for weeks yet wanting him so badly? How do I explain actually becoming friends with the girl who physically fought with me?
How do I explain any of it?
Maybe the answer is, I don’t.
I just forget about it.
And I just forget about them.
About him.
Just like Noah said.
Saturday, October 12th
Have to say goodbye.
7am
The moment my alarm rings out, I click it off without effort. Without surprise.
I was counting down the minutes until it went off, patiently waiting in the silence for the tangible ring to come.
Waiting for the officiality of it.
I spent the night not sleeping.
After eating an almost silent dinner with Helen and Gene, I laid in bed and waited for Noah to come back. I finished Taming the Duke too. At first, I wanted to throw the book across the room because I could only hear Noah’s voice reading it to me in my head. I thought about lighting it on fire. Tossing it out the window. But I finished it instead, listening to each word come through in Noah’s voice.
I heard Noah come upstairs sometime after it got dark. After dinner got cold.
He must have been at the field for hours. If that’s even where he was.
Gene and Helen waited up for him, and I heard their whispers downstairs before his footsteps bounced through the hallway and under the crack of my door. Instead of going straight to his room, I heard Noah in the shower. It didn’t run for very long, and I tried to ignore the sound of it.
The reminder that he was only a room away from me … was frustrating.
Even worse was the fact that he was likely naked. Maybe he decided to shower with his clothes on that night.
I tossed and turned, slept for a bit, and then repeated the process. So, it had been a long night.
I stare up at the ceiling, feeling frozen in bed.
Part of me wants to jump out from under the covers, grab my things, and go.
The other part of me can’t even fathom moving a single limb. Because today is the day I leave.
I should be thrilled.
Relieved.
After everything that happened yesterday, I need to go. I should want to go. But it’s always in that first moment of the morning that you either find your peace or your doubt for the day.
And I guess this morning, I found my doubt.
I stare at the ceiling, wanting to memorize everything about this room. The covered walls. The purple bedspread. The spot where the light starts to slip in through the curtains and how it moves all the way across the room. I try to memorize everything.
The smell of coffee coming from downstairs. A hint of shower gel sneaking into my room.
I sit up and look around at the place that has become a second home.
It’s bittersweet, knowing that I have to leave. But I also know that it’s right.
And anyway, it’s not like this room will have time to mourn my absence. Because soon enough, Mia will be back to fill the void. Any amount of sadness left in this room will be wiped clean by her return.
I know that Noah has missed her. Helen and Gene. They’ll be ready for her to be back. And it will be a good change.
The right change.
I look over to my packed suitcases. There are only a few things remaining out. Clothes for today. My stuff in the bathroom. A few items that I’m going to leave here.
I slide out of bed and walk to the desk. I stare down at the note that I wrote for Mia last night.
Mia,
Thanks for the room. It felt wrong, leaving without writing you something.
I hope Greece was amazing.
Make sure to annoy Noah a little extra for me. I know he’s looking forward to you cooking him Greek food.
It’s a shame we didn’t get to meet.
X,
Mallory
I pull my lips to the side and reread it when I hear footsteps go past my door. They move downstairs two at a time, and I know they’re Noah’s. I take the chance to slip into the bathroom without running into him, locking the door behind me.
He’s already been in here.
The bathroom is foggy from his warm shower, and I smell his shampoo all around me. I try to keep my nose plugged to the scent as I shower. When I’m finished, I clear out the bathroom in a hurry and sneak back to my room.
I pack the rest of my bag, change, and then crack open my door. I don’t hear any noise coming from downstairs. But at some point, I’m going to have to venture down there.
At some point, I’ll have to face Noah.
I’ll have to say goodbye.
I let out a huff and then grab one of my cases. I lug it down the stairs by myself. When I get into the living room, I find I’m the only one down here. I let out a sigh then rush back upstairs, grab the next case, and carry it down. This one is heavier, and I have to stop on each step to keep my balance. After the third one, I really am starting to understand why Noah was so upset when his mom made him carry them up to my room.
The thought sends a twinge through my stomach.
I guess I am sort of sentimental.
As I bring my last bag, a heavy duffle, out into the hallway, Gene and Helen emerge from their room.
“Oh,” Helen gasps, her eyes flaring as I pick up the duffle. “Gene!”
“Right,” Gene says, suddenly bursting into action. A second later, he’s at my side, grabbing it from my hand.
“I can do it,” I offer, trying to take it back from him. “I know it’s heavy, and it’s all my stuff.”
“Nonsense,” Helen replies sternly. “I won’t hear of it. And neither will Gene.”
Gene picks up my bag and works his way down the stairs.
“Thank you,” I call out to him when he makes it to the bottom, uninjured.
He was a little wobbly there for a minute, and I half-debated grabbing on to his back to help steady him.
“Nothing to worry about,” Gene replies, sucking in a gulp of air. “Any others?”
“That was the last,” I reply before turning to Helen.
“You’re all ready to go then?” Helen’s lips curl down into a frown.
“All ready.” I nod.
I glance past Helen, seeing that Noah’s door is ajar. But I don’t hear anything coming from his room. Or from downstairs, apart from Gene in the kitchen.
“No Noah?” I ask.
“He’s off to the football field,” she replies.
“Ah.”
“Wanted to get in a morning practice before his match this afternoon,” Helen explains.
“You’d think he would be practiced out by now,” I say, trying not to look disappointed.