“And you had every right to be.”
She shouldn’t doubt her anger. Just because she has a soft spot for me doesn’t give me the right to abuse it. Helen moves a pile of clothes, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Mallory, what happened today? What led to all of this?”
I swallow, nervously running my hand up my arm. “That’s a big question.”
“With a big answer?” Helen asks. A stark line settles in between her brows.
“Unfortunately.”
I get up and move to sit down on the bed next to her. I’m not even sure how to boil down everything that happened today. Helen takes my hand into hers.
“I think that somehow, I love them both.”
Helen stills at my words. I let out a shallow breath, my throat feeling smaller than before.
“This past week, I … found it easy to get lost in the time I spent with Noah. He has such a presence, and I sort of decided that my feelings for him were real. That they weren’t going anywhere. Things with Harry, as you know, had been bumpy. Maybe that pushed me toward Noah. But when I started feeling conflicted, I told Noah. I told him that I liked him. And … he told me that he liked me too.”
“Oh dear,” Helen says, her forehead creasing.
“But even after saying those things, we didn’t act on them, Helen. I promise.”
Helen gives my hand a small squeeze but then stills. “Why didn’t you?”
I pull my lips to the side, wondering how to word my answer.
“Partially, it was because of the fact that I was leaving. And obviously, because of Harry. Noah didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him. And I sort of wondered, deep down, if maybe it was something that just needed to be expressed and then moved on from. Mohammad constantly told me that if I just popped the bubble, maybe it would be done and over with, you know?”
“Mohammad wasn’t wrong.” Helen tilts her head to the side, and I can see her saying, But he wasn’t right.
“I didn’t want to play with anyone’s feelings. It wasn’t a case of wanting them both. I just … I started out with Harry. And as time went on, I fell for him. I care for him. But maybe I fell for Noah more. I don’t know.”
Helen gives me a solemn nod. “Noah needs time with these things. He isn’t one to be pushed.”
“I know,” I agree.
“Noah stated quite matter-of-factly what happened at lunch. But I know that it isn’t the full story, is it?” she asks me.
I shake my head at her. “No.”
Maybe I want to convince her that I didn’t intend to hurt anyone. That I didn’t mean to hurt the boys who have her heart. But that isn’t true. I did intend to hurt them.
Both of them.
“Tell me,” Helen urges.
I nod at her, thinking back over everything that happened.
“Harry told me he loved me this week,” I start. “And this morning, he gave me a key to his country house. He said that he wanted us to go there together. He said that New York wouldn’t change things for us. So, I agreed. I agreed to take that step with him. To stay together. To give it a shot. We hadn’t defined what we were, but I knew. And I felt good about it.
“I had told Noah about my feelings. I had given us a chance to be more. And he couldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to Harry. He said he didn’t want to hurt me. And I was okay with that. Because I knew that I had at least told Noah. There wasn’t anything left unsaid between us. So, I thought that Noah and I … maybe it was a phase.
“But then before lunch, Harry came to see me. He was frantic. He told me that Noah had told him something. That Noah liked me. In a big way. And that he had to break up with me because of it. I think that’s when I snapped.”
“Because Noah broke you two up,” Helen says, understanding.
I nod. “It’s one thing if he wanted me and he admitted his feelings because he had to. But he told me to forget about him when I left. He told me that we couldn’t be anything because of our circumstances.
“But I could have been with Harry after I left. He needs me. He’s going to need everyone. And I … I would have needed him too. But when Harry said that he had to end things now, it reminded me of what Noah had said. And the first thought that popped into my mind was that Noah had told Harry he felt that way, so Harry would break up with me.”
Helen remains silent, trying to absorb all the information I gave her.
“I’m sorry. I know that you wanted a short answer.”
“Mallory,” Helen says, letting out a slow sigh. “Has it crossed your mind that Noah told Harry he loved you because he truly does?”
I stare at Helen, seeing so much of Noah in her that I have to look away.
A flush spreads to my cheeks with her question.
“It has. But it doesn’t make any sense. I can’t figure out his motive for doing that. I mean, I leave tomorrow. It’s not like, even if that were true, we would be anything. Or even have a chance to be anything. Why wait? Why on my last day?”
Helen lets out another warm sigh when I realize something.
“He’s talked to you, hasn’t he?” I ask.
Helen glances away, her thick hair falling over her shoulder.
“Noah and I had a brief chat.” Her voice strains, trying to sound objective.
“I hurt him,” I say, feeling sick again.
“You’re both hurting.” Helen pats my hand. “That much is obvious.”
“I’m sorry about today. I’m sorry they called you. That I … momentarily forgot your advice to take a breath and not just react.” I look away, embarrassed.
“It’s become evident that things between you, Harry, and Noah have grown more complicated than any of you can handle. Despite the … theatrics, maybe it is best things came out. Now, things are out in the open, and you have a chance to make amends,” Helen replies.
And it’s a total mom answer.
No, it’s a Helen answer.
Only she would think that there was any chance of making things right.
“I think I’ve passed the point of forgiveness.”
“That isn’t up to you. It’s up to those you’ve hurt with your actions,” Helen responds.
“I would never ask for forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable. I hurt everyone I care about today.” I shake my head at her.
“You should say goodbye to your friends at least. Mohammad. Naomi. You’ve all gotten close,” Helen insists.
I flick my gaze up to her, wondering how she thinks I could manage that.
“I think it’s best if I stay here. It’s one more night, and then I will be gone.”
“Mallory …” Helen says, concern written all over her face.
“I’m not running away. I promise I’m not. I just know when to admit defeat. I’m waving the white flag. I’m forfeiting the game. All the chess pieces are broken.”
“That’s quite a few analogies,” Helen says with a small smile.
“It’s like in the Harry Potter movie when they were trying to get to the sorcerer’s stone. They had to play that game of chess. Everything is shattered. Destroyed. The game is over, but this time, no one is left standing. I can’t explain my way out of it. I can’t even explain my actions to you. There’s nothing I can do to fix this. And I think I would make it worse if I tried. It’s better for me to just go.”