“Yeah, my roommate and her boyfriend James. He’s actually a really awesome guy. A friend of Nicholas’ from Hawaii. Isn’t that right?”
Owen gives me a nod.
“Yep, he’s great,” I agree.
“Why…were…they…here?”
“To wait for you, silly,” Olive says. “To help me wait for you to wake up.”
Owen looks up at the ceiling.
I watch him examine each tile individually before moving on to the next and then make his way toward the window.
“You…thought that…someone would come here and…kill me, huh?” Owen says after a long pause.
“No, of course not,” Olive lies.
She squeezes his hand and makes him look at her.
“I just wanted someone to be here the moment you woke up,” she says. We all know that’s not true.
When he opens his mouth to say something else, she shuts him down.
“Let’s not talk about that now. We can get to all of that later.”
It’s hard to explain what it feels like to be in this room with Olive and Owen.
I am happy that he is better.
I am happy that the doctor said that he will make a full recovery and yet something feels off.
Suddenly, I am an outsider.
The bond that Olive and Owen have is difficult to describe.
On one hand, they are close like a brother and a sister but, on the other, there is more depth there as well, particularly on his part.
When they started writing those letters to each other, Owen knew the truth about their biology. Now, the pieces are starting to fall into place.
The fact that they are not related to each other explains so much about how he was acting before his coma. He wasn’t just the big brother looking out for his little sister.
He had been harboring these feelings for her and now that everything is out in the open, their bond seems impossible to penetrate.
I hate it when I let myself go to these dark places.
I try to act like an optimist most of the time but if I were telling the truth, I am not one.
I try to put on a good show but it’s hard.
I have been through so much and have experienced so much darkness that I find myself holding my breath for the next bad thing to happen.
Of course, just because Owen feels like he feels about Olive that doesn’t mean that she feels the same way about him.
She has always loved him like a brother and just because she found out that they are not biologically related that doesn’t mean that she will magically fall in love with him.
That doesn’t mean that her feelings will suddenly turn sexual.
It doesn’t mean that I have anything to worry about. Right?
10
Nicholas
When we reconnect…
It has been two days since Owen woke up. It has been two days since I’ve seen Olive.
I haven’t been back to the hospital since, and Olive hasn’t left his side.
Tonight, she’s finally coming back.
I’m making dinner. Sydney and James are staying at a hotel for the night.
We have the place to ourselves.
Tonight will be the night when our relationship will hit the reset button.
I hear her key in the door right at seven, just as I put the salmon and the asparagus on her stove.
“Wow, this smells delicious,” she says, giving me a big kiss. “Do you mind if I jump into the shower? I’ve been wearing these clothes for days.”
“No problem,” I say. “This isn’t going to be ready for a bit. You want me to join you?”
She laughs, tossing her hair back. “No, I’m good. Besides, our dinner will probably burn then.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. That wasn’t meant to be an insult so why did it sound so much like one?
No, take it easy. Don’t read into everything.
She is going through a lot, you have to give her some space, I say to myself. All she needs is some time.
The food is almost ready when she emerges from her room and sits down at the table.
Dressed in a clean, loose-fitting t-shirt and yoga pants, she pours herself a glass of wine.
Her hair is wet, dripping down her shirt, and her face is clean without a smudge of makeup.
I lose my ability to speak for a moment as I stare at the most beautiful woman in the world.
Olive rips into a hunk of unsliced bread that I set out on the table, washing it down with two big gulps of wine.
“Oh my god, this tastes so good,” she says, pushing her hair out of her face. “It feels so good to be home.”
“It’s nice to have you,” I say.
There are so many things to talk about: the file that I got on her real mother, the fact that I don’t want to keep squatting in this small apartment with two other roommates, the possibility that her brother might be in love with her.
And yet, I don’t dare to bring up any of these issues.
This moment is just for us.
We need to reconnect.
We need to be with each other again.
That’s the only thing that’s going to stop this wedge that has formed between us from growing wider and deeper.
“Wait,” she says, pulling the glass away from her lips. “Before we dive into this wonderful dinner that you made, I want to make a toast.”
“Okay.” I put my fork down.
“I want to thank you for being the most wonderful boyfriend ever,” she says, raising her arm higher. “I really don’t know what I would’ve done without you. You waited in the hospital for him so that I could get some rest, all of those nights and days and hours.”
“It was nothing,” I interrupt even though it means a lot that she is so appreciative of it.
“No, it wasn’t nothing. You are not Owen’s biggest fan but you did it for me and I want you to know that I appreciate it. I really do.”
“Well…thank you,” I say. “I was happy to do it.”
She looks into my eyes and I look into hers.
We lose each other there for a long while.
At first, it feels comfortable, but then somehow it doesn’t. It dawns on me that she’s waiting for something.
She’s waiting for me to say, “I love you.”
I open my lips and clear my throat.
The words are on the tip of my tongue. It’s so simple.
People say it all the time.
And yet…for some reason, I can’t.
What’s worse is that the feeling overwhelms me.
I know that I love her and there will never be anyone I will care about more.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to say those three simple words.
What am I afraid of? They will never do me any harm. If anything they will set me free.
“I…”
I see her holding her breath.
She’s waiting for me to say it. Three simple words.
Just finish the sentence.
You can do it, I say to myself.
“Yes?” Olive asks hopefully.
“I just wanted to say…do you want more pepper on that?”
The disappointment that floods her face is difficult to describe but it hurts me to my core.
My whole body shudders.