How many times do I have to learn this lesson?
The conversation shifts to Sydney and then James and then her mother.
I tell Nicholas about how certain James was that her mother would love him and how certain Sydney was that she wouldn’t.
I side with Sydney but Nicholas sides with James, saying that there aren’t many mothers who wouldn’t be impressed with him as a potential son-in-law.
The ebb and flow of a conversation are similar to a tide. It comes and goes in regular intervals and then there are those mysterious shifts that come from somewhere deep below and take you completely by surprise.
“Please don’t lie to me, Nicholas,” I say quietly. “I can take anything but that.”
I look straight at him and ask him again if he’s telling me the truth. He pauses for a moment and promises that he is.
7
Nicholas
When lies start to pile up…
I am lying.
Olive gave me so many outs. There were so many opportunities to tell her the truth and yet I can’t bring myself to say it.
The thing about truth is that sometimes it’s the easiest thing to say in the world.
And other times, it’s like admitting defeat and burying yourself underneath the rubble that is your life.
Lies have a way of piling up on top of each other.
You say one lie to cover up another and then another and then another.
I know this.
Everyone over the age of ten knows this and yet we all still do it.
Why?
In the moment, it is too hard to tell the truth.
I want to believe that I’m lying to her to protect her. I want to believe that there is some greater good in all of this.
But the truth is I was too much of a coward to come out and say it. That kind of blow my ego couldn’t handle.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
This whole thing started as a way to protect her.
I made a promise to my dead little sister and I wanted that to be the one promise that I kept in my life.
But then things got complicated.
The money was an exaggeration.
What I had, what was mine, it was all for show.
Well, no, that’s not quite true. There was a time when I had it all. And then I lost it all.
That sort of thing happens when the money doesn’t really belong to you.
It comes into your life like an avalanche.
It’s all at once and it overwhelms you with possibilities.
But then it tends to leave just as fast.
You make plans, you try to save, you try to start a new life but you can’t.
I’ve seen it happen to people on the streets and now it has happened to me.
After it’s gone, the only thing it leaves is a trail of what-ifs.
I don’t know how Olive would react if I were to come right out and tell her all of this.
Maybe she would hate me or dump me or maybe she would think it’s the best thing that could have happened because it takes her off the hook for the rest of the year.
She doesn’t know this but I see the way that she’s looking at me. I see her second-guessing me. I see the regret in her eyes.
Before Owen got hurt, I thought that maybe there was a chance that we could start a life somewhere.
A real life.
We were so close to that. The job was done. I had some money. I could tell her the truth about…everything.
She’d be angry but maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me.
But now? Now, suddenly, everything is different. The people who shot Owen didn’t finish the job and they are probably just waiting for the chance to complete it.
She knows that Owen isn’t her real brother and that she has a biological mother somewhere out there. And that’s the kind of loose strings that tend to tear apart undefined plans.
Even though she hasn’t said anything out loud, I know that the only thing that she is probably thinking about now is this other family.
Who are they? Why did her real mother give her up? Where does she live? And how long would it take for her to get to her?
“So, what do you think about Owen?” I finally ask her.
This question has been on the tip of my tongue ever since she came to the hospital last night. “What do you think about him not being your real brother?”
“I don’t know what to think,” she says, staring into space.
I try to imagine how I would feel if Ashley wasn’t my real sister.
But I don’t feel any different. The biology doesn’t seem to matter. She’s my sister because I have always believed her to be.
Yet, when I look over at Olive, I realize that that’s not exactly how she feels.
“He’s still going to be my brother,” she says, definitively with a stern nod.
It’s as if she is trying to convince herself of something, something she doesn’t want to believe.
“Yeah, he will,” I lie.
Another lie to cover up what I really think. And what is that exactly? I wonder. What is this hesitation in her demeanor?
“Apparently, Owen knew that he wasn’t my real brother,” Olive says quietly.
I stare at her as the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place.
Of course. That’s why he has been acting this way.
I thought he was just a concerned brother.
I thought that he was just someone who was a little bit too involved in her life, but then again, he did get paroled to her home and she was his only friend in the outside world.
I tried to make myself believe that this was the end of the story. But now, it all makes sense.
“He’s in love with you,” I say under my breath with the realization dawning on me only when the words escape my lips.
“No…wait, what?” she asks, sitting up in her chair and looking at me surprised.
“That’s why he has been acting so…possessive. It wasn’t just brotherly love. He loves you in a different way, Olive.”
“No, c’mon, that’s…gross,” she says.
Her words are cautious.
It’s as if I am not telling her something that she doesn’t already know.
Looking her up and down, I realize that this is not news to her. She clumsily tries to cover it up with a head shake and a look of shock on her face but I can feel it in my gut that I’m right.
I didn’t realize how right I was until this very moment.
8
Nicholas
When I search for the truth…
I know that she’s lying about Owen and I know that I’m lying about my bank account. Yet, both lies seem somehow inevitable.
Is that what we are becoming now?
Two people who lie to each other about who they really are?
If so, then why even bother going on?
Why even bother pursuing this any longer?
This wasn’t the first time that this thought crossed my mind.
Things would definitely be a lot easier if Olive wasn’t in my life.
I would be a one-man show, responsible for no one.
I would be able to work for Hawk and keep the FBI at bay.
I wouldn’t have anyone to worry about. I wouldn’t have an obligation.
But I know that I can’ take myself there. Olive isn’t a loose string. I can force myself to cut it off but what would I have? Being with her makes me feel alive and I haven’t felt that for a very long time.