“You can, Eric. No matter what, you’re always going to be my best friend.”
Not after I tell him the truth, I won’t.
“Is it that guy from our English Lit class last semester? The one who always sat next to you and tried to insert himself into our conversations?”
Laughter escapes. Chad. I can’t even remember his last name. He wasn’t gay. He was just a guy who loved football and thought it was cool he was friends with the wide receiver.
“It is him,” Ethan says vehemently. “I knew that idiot liked you.”
Ethan sounds almost jealous.
“I don’t like him,” Ethan declares.
“You barely spoke to him. How do you know you don’t like him?”
“Ah ha! I knew it. It is him!”
I turn and look at him, surprised. He sounds angry and jealous all at once.
“What is your problem with Chad?”
“He’s a clinger. He tries too hard, and he’s not good enough for you either.”
“Uh…”
“Don’t ‘uh’ me.” Ethan points at me, and I back up, but he follows. “Do you even know that much about him other than he likes football?”
“Uhhh…”
“He could be a crap kisser for all you know.”
“Umm…”
“Unless you’ve already kissed him?” Ethan’s nostrils flare, and he gets even angrier.
“What is wrong with you?” I whisper.
“With me? I’m not the one going around kissing Clingy Chad. You’re the one with the problem.”
“If this is you freaking out because I told you about my liking guys…”
“No, it’s not me freaking out over that. I don’t care if you like men or women. You’re my best friend, Eric. I’d never judge you for who you loved. Don’t you know me better than that?”
“I was scared, man. After my granny died, I had no one. I’m afraid to lose all of you. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I can’t lose you too.”
Ethan runs a hand through his hair. “I can’t lose you either.”
“That won’t happen, man. We’re family.”
“But you didn’t trust me with this part of yourself.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?” he demands, getting angry again. “Do Mattie and Mary know?”
“They figured it out even before I did.”
Ethan sighs. “I must be blind, then.”
Yeah, I’ve had that same thought. He has to see how I look at him sometimes. He can’t not see it unless he doesn’t want to.
“Look, we’re cool. If you can deal with me…” I pause, searching for the right words but not finding them.
“Being gay?”
“I wouldn’t call myself gay. I like women too much for that.”
“Bi, then?”
“I don’t know, honestly. Zeke and I have been talking it through. He says I don’t need to label myself. To just be me and don’t worry about the rest.”
“It’s sound advice.”
“Yeah, it is. Anyway, as long as you’re cool with me, then we’ll still be friends.”
“But you’re thinking about going to go see Clingy Chad?”
“Ethan…”
“No.”
“Look…”
“No, you’re not going to see him.”
I let out a pent-up laugh. “You can’t tell me not see someone just because you don’t like them.”
“I don’t want you seeing any guy.”
My shoulders slump. He said he was okay with it, but maybe he’s not. Maybe he was just saying that, trying to convince himself as much as me.
“I don’t want you seeing anyone.”
The last word was said with such displeasure, I glanced his way. He had that fierce look back on his face again.
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean it, Eric. The thought of you with someone, with anyone, it does something to me. If I lost you to some random guy or even a girl, I…” He stops and takes a deep breath. “You’re not the only one who’s been struggling with feelings they didn’t ask for.”
What’s he saying?
“I don’t understand.”
“I swear, sometimes you’re dense.” Ethan shakes his head, and he gets this look I see sometimes when he’s in hardcore gaming mode. It’s like he’s made up his mind about a course of action and will see it through even if he loses in the process. He tells me you can’t learn if you don’t take chances.
He stalks toward me, and I find myself backing up again until I hit the wall. He keeps coming and stops when the tips of his shoes bump mine. He’s so close, it’s claustrophobic.
“What are you doing?” I ask, alarmed.
“Something I should have done a long time ago, but I was too scared.”
Ethan’s hands come up and land on the wall on either side of my head, and he leans in.
“Ethan…”
“Be quiet.”
My breath catches as he comes toward me until his lips press on mine. They’re softer than I thought they’d be. That’s the only thought I can grasp as a volley of sensations hit me all at once. I’m so shocked, all I can do is stand there, frozen.
He pulls back. “You know, this doesn’t work right if you don’t kiss me back.”
“I…I…” I’m stuttering, but I can’t help it.
Ethan laughs softly, one hand coming up to cup my cheek. His thumb strokes over my bottom lip. “I’ve been thinking about kissing you for months. I dream about it most nights, but I was scared, Eric. I’ve never had feelings for a guy before. I’m not going to lose you to Clingy Chad because of my own fear.”
He likes me the same way I like him? He was as scared as I’ve been about feeling this way?
I blink, trying to find words, but they won’t come.
“When I said I understand, I meant it.”
“I don’t like Chad,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.
He cocks his head. “You don’t?”
“No. He was just a friend.”
“Then who?” he demands, some of the anger coming back into his expression. “Because you don’t need him.”
“I don’t?”
“No. You have me. That is…if you want me?”
If I want him?
“I was afraid…what if you thought I was a sick fu—”
“Shhh.” Ethan shushes me with his finger on my bottom lip coming up to cover them both. “You’re not sick. You’re Eric.”
My bottom lip quivers beneath the pressure of his finger, and all my fear and anxiety melt away in the tender fierceness of his expression.
“The only person I ever wanted was you.” The words leave me in a rush.
“Me?” he whispers.
“I was so terrified you’d see how I felt about you then pissed you didn’t see it when everyone else did. But mostly I was afraid you would, and you’d leave me.”
“Leave you?” He smiles softly. “Why would I leave you, Eric? You’re my best friend…no, you’re my person.”