“You sacrificed yourself to save her.”
“It saved us both.”
Ethan downs his beer and gets up for another one. I haven’t touched the second one he gave me earlier. The first one steadied my nerves enough for this conversation.
“The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital in a lot of pain. The doctors said I’d been shot. I didn’t remember that. I didn’t remember anything. Not my name, not my parents, not my life. I was a blank slate. I was so scared. Jake’s parents tried their best to reassure me and told me how much they loved me, but they were strangers.”
“That sucks, man.”
I snort. Sucks isn’t the right word. Terrified doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt not being able to even remember my own name. It’s a feeling I never want to have again.
“Mattie came by to see me, and it was like the sky opened up and shined a ray of sunlight down upon her. She looked familiar. In a sea of strangers, she looked so familiar to me. And I knew her name. Jake’s mom was beside herself thinking his memories were coming back, but they didn’t. Because I wasn’t Jake. I’ll never be Jake.”
“I don’t understand. How did you end up in a body if you were a ghost?”
“Mattie reaped me. My energy stayed inside her. When Jake was shot, he died, and his soul moved on, but the paramedics were able to revive him. He was on life support with no brain function. Mattie took a chance and put my soul in his body, and it worked.”
“How did you remember who you were?”
“Something happened when she touc hed me. There was this bright light, and I saw my life, who I’d been while I was alive and all I’d done while I was dead. She not only gave me back my life, she gave me back my memories. I feel bad for Jake’s parents. I think they keep hoping I’ll remember them, and I can’t. Maybe his memories are locked in my head somewhere, but I have no access to them. It would be easier for all of us if I could remember.”
“That’s got to be hard on you guys.”
“I’m pretty sure Jake’s mom knows the truth. That day in the hospital when I got my memory back, she was listening outside, and she told me it didn’t matter if I was the old Jake or someone new. She’d love me anyway. Only it’s not me she loves. It’s this body, the image of her son. And his father is always trying to tell me stories of Jake’s life. He misses his son. They both want that person back, and that’s just as bad as being in a foster home where you know you’re not loved.”
“But you are loved.” Ethan reaches out and takes my hand. “You have Mattie and Mary. You have Zeke and his parents. And you have me. We’re your family, Eric.”
I snatch my hand away from him, and he draws back, hurt. I don’t mean to hurt him, but it felt so good to hold his hand. I’ve fantasized about it for months. I tried so damn hard not to have feelings for him because that’s not who I was. I didn’t like guys. But this body does. I hate being trapped in it sometimes.
“Do you not want to be my family?” Ethan asks.
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? I’m getting sick and damn tired of you acting like I have the plague or something.”
Taking a deep breath, I turn and look at him. “There’s more to the story you should know.”
“Does it explain what you just did there?”
“Yeah.”
“Then tell me.”
Easier said than done.
“It’s hard, man. I’m not sure how you’ll take it.”
“Then just spit it out. The more you chew on it, the worse you’re gonna feel.”
He’s not wrong.
“When Jake went out with Mattie, he never pressured her for sex. He never even asked for it.”
“And?” he prompted when I didn’t go on.
“There was a reason for that.”
“Okay?”
Why does this have to be so damn hard?
“Jake didn’t like girls. He liked guys.”
Ethan’s eyes go round, and I can see the wheels turning in his head, but I can’t really read his expression.
“I never even thought about a guy like that. I was as straight as they came. But…”
“But being in Jake’s body meant you had to deal with his feelings.”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s been rough. Zeke’s been talking to me about it, and it’s helped, but I still have freak-out moments.”
“So, you don’t find women attractive anymore?”
“No, I do. I’m still me, but…”
“I get it.” Ethan nods as if he knows exactly what I mean.
“Do you, though, Ethan? Do you understand what it’s like to wake up one day and find a man attractive when your whole life you only liked women?”
He frowns.
“Do you know what it’s like to have feelings for a guy, feelings that tear you up inside because part of you thinks they’re wrong?”
“You have feelings for a guy?” Ethan’s frown deepens, and his eyes take on an edge. “Who?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mutter. “What matters is this is something you can’t understand.”
“Don’t treat me like a moron,” he snaps, finally getting angry. “I can understand just fine. You’re dealing with things you never expected to deal with. Things you don’t want to deal with. You’re frustrated, angry, scared. I’m around you all the time, Eric. I see the things you’re going through. Only an idiot wouldn’t understand.”
Setting my beer on the table, I lean forward and drop my head into my hands. “Look, I’ve told you all of it. Every last detail. Will you…”
“No, you haven’t told me all of it. Who’s this guy you have feelings for? Do I know him?”
“What does it matter?”
“It matters.” Ethan takes a deep breath. “Trust me, Eric, it matters.”
I shake my head. I’d planned to confess my feelings, but I’m afraid to now that the moment is here. What if I do and I lose him?
“Eric.” He pokes me in the arm, much like Mattie does when she wants me to pay attention. We’ve all picked up her habits in one fashion or another.
“Will you just leave me alone?”
“No, I won’t!” He shoves me this time, and I almost topple off the couch.
“Hey!” Once I’ve caught my balance, I glare up at him, only he’s staring at me just as fiercely. I don’t know what to make of his expression. “Look, I get it. If this is too weird for you…”
“You don’t get anything. Who is this guy?”
“That’s none of your damn business.” Why is he so adamant about knowing? Does he want to make sure to avoid him and me together or something? Little does he know that will be impossible.
“It is my damn business,” he bites out. “Who?”
Standing, I take several steps away from him. “You don’t want me to answer that question.”
I feel him move until he’s right behind me. His heat seeps into my back, he’s so close. “I want to know.”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep, shuddering breath. “I…I don’t know if I can tell you that.”