Always try to act like I’m not forreal.
But I was forreal.
So forreal.
RELAX?!
I snapped.
Relax?
I ain’t got time to relax!
I got work to do.
A job to do.
Business to handle,
I said,
feeling myself,
my macho
between
my shaky legs,
masking
my jumpy heart.
BUCK LAUGHED, AND
laughter,
when it’s loud
and heavy
and aimed
at you,
I think
can feel just
as bad as
a bullet’s
bang.
YOU GOT WORK TO DO?
A job to do?
Buck teased,
wiping laugh-tears
from his eyes.
Right, right. You gon’ follow
The Rules, huh?
Yeah, that’s right,
I said,
opening my stance
to let him know this
wasn’t a game,
that I was forreal.
Buck pressed
his finger to my chest
like he was pushing an
elevator button.
The L button.
But you ain’t
got it in you, Will,
he said,
cocky.
Your brother did, but you—
you don’t.
HE ASKED ME
if I had even checked
to see if the gun was
loaded.
I hadn’t.
And now almost shot
myself trying
to figure out
how to.
GIVE IT TO ME
before
you hurt yourself.
Buck clicked something.
The clip slid from the grip
like a metal candy bar.
Fourteen slugs.
One in the hole.
Fifteen total,
he said,
slamming
the clip back in.
How many
should there be?
I asked.
Sixteen.
But, whatever.
09:08:11 a.m.
HE HELD THE GUN OUT.
I grabbed it,
but Buck wouldn’t let go.
I yanked and yanked,
pulled and pulled,
but he
resisted and resisted,
laughed and laughed,
Bucked and bucked.
BUCK FINALLY LET GO
and I stumbled into the corner,
slamming against the wall
like a clown.
You don’t got it in you,
he repeated
over and over again
under his un-breath
while sliding a pack
of cigarettes from
his pocket.
Tossed one in his mouth,
struck a match that sounded
like a finger snap.
Then the elevator came to a stop.
I HAD HALF A SECOND
to
get a grip,
grab the grip,
tuck the gun,
turn around,
ignore Buck,
catch my breath,
stand up straight,
act normal
act natural
act like
the only rules
that matter
are the ones
for the elevator.
A GIRL STEPPED IN.
Stood beside me.
Around my age.
Fine as heaven.
Flower dress.
Low heels.
Light makeup,
lip gloss,
cheek stuff.
Perfume,
sweet,
fresh,
cutting
through the cigarette smoke.
SHE CHECKED TO MAKE SURE
L was lit.
And I was
walking my eyes
up her legs,
the ruffle and fold
of her flower
dress, her
arms, her
neck, her
cheek, her
hair.
Then
the bus-stop
lean back
to get a glimpse
of the world.
But the metal barrel
dug into my back,
making me wince,
making me obvious
and wack.
09:08:12 a.m.
I DIDN’T KNOW
smoking
was allowed
in elevators,
she said,
her small talk smacking
with sarcasm.
But I was too shook
to notice.
You . . . can see that?
I replied
all goofy,
my game no good
around ghosts.
I wondered if she
thought it was me
lighting up
before she
got on
since she couldn’t see
Buck in the corner
puffing out,
making faces like,
Get on
with it.
Uh . . . of course.
It’s everywhere,
she said,
pinching
back a cough.
She fanned smoke
from her face,
thumbed to Buck,
who shook his head and
blew vanishing halos.
She could see him.
She could see him?
She could see him!
Then
she turned to me
and added,
I didn’t know
guns
were allowed
in elevators either.
SHE COULD SEE
Buck?
But how?
I thought he was
only my ghost,
only my grand
imagination.
But
when she
could see him,
could smell his funky
cigarette,
I knew for a fact
this was real.
AT THIS POINT
you probably
already don’t
believe me
or think I’m nuts.
And maybe I am.
But I swear
this is all
true.
Swear.
I JOINED IN,
fanning the smoke,
shaking her comment
about the gun,
looking at Buck
all crazy.
But he ain’t care.
Just leaned back and
took another pull on the cig,
burning but not burning down.
Still long.
Fire.
Smoke.
But no ash.
SHE BRUSHED HER HAND AGAINST MINE
to get my attention,
which on any other
occasion would’ve
been the perfect
open for me to flirt
or at least try to do
my best impression of Shawn,
which was
his best impression of Buck.
BUT THERE WAS A GHOST
IN THE ELEVATOR
so,
no-
go.
PLUS
it’s hard to think about
kissing and killing
at the same time.
SHE ASKED,
What you need
it for anyway?
And when I
looked confused
(pretended to
look confused),
she ticked
tongue to teeth
and clarified,
The gun.
09:08:15 a.m.
THE NEXT EXCHANGE WAS A SIMPLE ONE.