But now I just don’t know anything anymore.
I never expected so much anger from him, especially given that he’s avoided me at every turn since I returned home. I haven’t seen him but a handful of times since I’ve been here and all of those times were because we were forced into a group setting. I tried to keep things casual, to make sure he knew I wasn’t bitter about how things played out between us. The way he responded to me I thought we were on the same page; to leave the past in the past. Up until tonight I was convinced that he couldn’t care less about the approach I was taking.
Now, out of nowhere, everything seems to have shifted. If I didn’t know any better I would say he was the one whose heart was broken three years ago and not the other way around.
So much has changed since I’ve been gone. Paxton has changed. He’s harder, more closed off than he was before. Hell, I didn’t even know his mom had passed away until my brother Gavin mentioned him spending the last few months in California with her. I’ve missed so much and yet at the same time, so much is still the same.
The way my heart flutters in my chest every time he walks into a room. The way my skin blazes to life when I feel his eyes on me. The way his smile melts everything else away until all I can see is his beauty and none of the pain that accompanies it.
My phone chimes to life, pulling my attention to the device as it vibrates against the top of the dresser. I hesitate for a split second before snatching it into my hand and looking at the screen.
My heart explodes in my chest when I see Paxton’s name and the text message that follows.
Paxton: I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me tonight.
My hands tremble as I type out a response, clicking send before I have time to back out.
Me: What are you sorry for?
His response is almost instant.
Paxton: For kissing you.
The anger I felt earlier returns full force. So this is how it’s going to be then? As if he’s not toyed with me enough over the years.
Me: Then why did you do it?
I hold my breath, waiting for a response, but it doesn’t come. I stare at the damn screen for a good ten minutes before tossing it across the room. It bounces off the top of the bed and then tumbles to the floor on the other side.
I collapse face first on top of the mattress, burying my face into the thick comforter to muffle my scream of frustration. I can’t do this. I can’t let him pull me in just to push me away. Not again.
I’m not the same girl I used to be. Like Paxton, I’ve changed too. New York changed me. Drew changed me. Just the thought of Drew’s name alone causes a tight knot to form in the pit of my stomach and I immediately try to shake it away. I won’t go back there. I can’t.
I refocus on Paxton, though I’m not sure that’s really any better. He may not have hurt me physically like Drew, but the emotional scarring runs just as deep.
I scatter across the top of the mattress when I hear the muffled vibration of my phone. With my body hanging half way off the bed, I finally locate it hidden behind the bed skirt. Snatching it off the floor, I hold the phone close to my face..
Paxton: Because I can’t help myself.
I try to fight the smile that forms on my lips as I type out my response. I don’t want his words to affect me the way they do but I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m still in love with Paxton. Honestly, I don’t think that will ever change. But that doesn’t change our situation.
Me: Well perhaps you should try.
It feels like time slows down as I wait for his reply. Each second that ticks by feels like an eternity. When the phone finally lights up again, I am stunned by his response.
Paxton: I’ve been trying for years. I’m done trying.
I don’t know how to respond. My heart is beating so hard, all I can hear is it thudding over and over again against my ribcage, the sound echoing through my ears.
Me: What are you saying?
He doesn’t reply to my question and I am fairly certain it’s probably because he’s passed out drunk or something. He will probably wake up tomorrow, realize his mistake and then scramble to smooth things over with me. I’ve experienced this reaction from him before.
I shake my head, knowing that tomorrow it will all be back to same old song and dance and it’ll be like today never happened. I hate to jump to that conclusion but it’s hard not to, especially when you’re dealing with a man like Paxton. The same familiar sting of rejection starts to take hold
“Get a grip Charlie.” I sigh, rolling onto my back.
The mattress creaks below me as I move and I cringe slightly at the noise. The light is still on in the room but at this point I just feel too drained to even think about getting up and shutting it off. Instead I just stare at the ceiling, replaying the moment Paxton’s lips met mine over and over again until all I can see is him. All I can feel is him. I slowly drift to sleep with the memory lingering, taking hold and refusing to let go.
****
Three days later…
“Get up!” I hear Gavin’s voice just seconds before I feel the mattress dip as he sits down on the edge of the bed next to me. “Char. Wake the fuck up.” He shakes my shoulder, pulling me out of my groggy, half sleep state.
“What?” I smack his hand away, peeking one eye open.
“I need your help with something.”
“Oh my god. I’m not helping you with your Harlee drama anymore. Seriously, it’s been what, two days? Certainly you didn’t screw it up already,” I groan, rolling to the opposite side.
“Shut the fuck up Char.” To my surprise he laughs, causing me to look over my shoulder at him.
“I take it you and Harlee are good then?” I shake my head before collapsing back down onto my pillow.
If his excited nature didn’t give it away, that damn smile taking over his entire face sure as hell does. I haven’t actually heard from my big brother since I let him leave the condo the other night like I was told not to. Guess something good came out of me failing as a man sitter.
“Better than good.” His smile widens.
“Great,” I say sarcastically, not at all happy about being woken up. “Now, would you tell me what the hell is so important that you had to barge in here and wake me up?” I roll onto my back and rub my eyes with the back of my hands, yawning loudly.
“Well, Deck is kinda getting married.” He fights a laugh.
“Duh. I was there when they announced it,” I say, clearly annoyed.
“You misunderstand. He’s getting married like now.” He laughs when he catches my expression.
“What?” I choke out, clearly confused. “I thought they were eloping this summer? Did I miss a couple of months somewhere?”
“He called me this morning. He and Kimber decided they didn’t want to wait so they’re planning a last minute trip to Vegas this weekend.”
“Seriously. Decklan can’t do better than Vegas?” I ask, honestly a little annoyed.
“Actually it was Kimber’s idea.” He laughs when he registers my surprise. “I know, right?” His smile widens. “I thought the same thing.”
“Okay so when is this trip and what do you need from me?” I ask, not really sure what he’s getting at.