“I hear nobody’s getting near your dick,” Tanner teased.
“Keep talking about my dick, and I’m going to assume you want it,” I taunted, surprising myself.
Tanner gave me a brief look before throwing his head back with a laugh. “Okay, you win. And, no, I don’t want your dick. Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’ll just have to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes from you not wanting me that way. I’ll be strong and deal with the grief. But I will find a way. I will persevere,” I said, clapping my hands to each syllable. At this point, Dillon and Pacey were laughing so hard they were nearly bent over the couch. I shook my head. “If you think I’m that hysterical, we’re clearly on bean and cheese overload.”
“I don’t know. You have a little pep in your step,” Pacey said.
“Pep in his step?” Dillon asked, laughing again.
“What? It’s a saying.”
“I don’t think it’s a current British or American saying. It’s more of a 1950s’ saying,” Tanner corrected.
Pacey scowled. “Oh, fuck all y’all.”
“Did the British guy just say y’all?” I asked, laughing harder.
“What? It was in a show Mackenzie was watching. Now, I can’t stop saying it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stop saying y’all, even with this accent?” Pacey asked. My side hurt, but we kept eating, drinking, and laughing.
Yes, I had homework to do. Yes, I probably needed to stop dreaming about Nessa. But I didn’t care. We needed this time, and I would take it.
When we cleaned up and went to our respective work areas to get some homework done, I looked over at Tanner and shook my head.
“What’s that for?” my roommate asked as he sat down behind his desk.
“I’m just thinking about how while Pacey and Dillon are decently similar, you and I are nothing alike. I don’t even think you would be my friend if we weren’t roommates.” I cringed. “Maybe those three beers are making me say way too many things I shouldn’t.”
Tanner gave me a look and shook his head. “I’d still be your friend, but that would mean you’d have to talk to me to make it happen. I’m not some big, popular guy, Miles. I’m just an asshole who doesn’t like people. One who gets into shitty relationships and fucks things up. I think you’re the one who’s too good for me.”
“Really? You think that? I’m the guy who can’t even talk to people because the one person I could talk to is dead,” I said and shut my mouth.
Tanner’s eyes widened. “Miles?” he asked, his voice low.
“No. I don’t want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have… I just… I’m fine.”
“Are you?” he asked softly.
My heart twisted, and I ignored the pain. “I am. Sorry. Just a long night.”
“Miles.”
“No, it’s nothing. Really. I’m just feeling shitty. Maybe I need to get laid.”
“That could be part of it, but that’s not all of it.” Tanner’s voice was so low, I’d almost missed the words.
“I don’t want a heart-to-heart. Is that okay?” I swallowed hard, my throat tight.
“I am the last person who will ever force you to have a heart-to-heart. But if you want to talk, I’m here.”
“I know.” I looked him directly in the eyes. “I don’t want to talk. I’ve done all the talking I want to do. Apparently, drinking makes me fuck up. Again.”
The chili and the cheese in my stomach started to curdle, and I nearly threw up. I’d had way more than three beers when I was in the car with Rachelle. I’d had so much fucking liquor that they’d had to pump my stomach. I wasn’t drunk tonight. I was just tired and fucking up once again.
I hated myself a little, but there weren’t any words to make it better. I packed my stuff and went to my bedroom, my stomach roiling. I locked the door behind me, then went to my bathroom and promptly threw up everything I had eaten earlier.
I had fucked up before, and my sister had died because of it.
Now, here I was, spouting shit because I was a loser. I couldn’t even have a steady relationship—friendship or otherwise—because nobody knew who I was.
I didn’t even know who I was. I knew what I wanted to be once I left school, but only in the sense of having a job and a career. I didn’t know anything else outside of that. I didn’t know what I would do when I had to leave Aaron behind. I didn’t know what my parents would do when they couldn’t oversee my every action any longer.
It was all twisting in my head, and as I brushed my teeth and lay down on my bed, I couldn’t help but wonder why I ever thought I could have a crush on someone like Nessa. She might’ve had her heart broken, but she had everything together. She knew who she was and was proud of it. I was some asshole who wasn’t even good at figuring out what I wanted. The one thing I knew I wanted above all else was to have my sister back—and that was something that would never happen, no matter how hard I wished.
Chapter 5
Nessa
“Why am I taking this class again?” I asked as I leaned against the pillow after glaring at the textbook.
Elise slowly slid down the back of the couch to lean her head on my shoulder. “I have no idea. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we be full adults already and not in school anymore? Where we have jobs and lives where we’re worried about things other than homework.”
I held back a wince because I was afraid if things didn’t get better soon, this might be my last semester with them. I only had a couple of weeks before I could no longer get a refund if I dropped out. I wanted to make sure I didn’t end up in crippling debt with my dad losing the house, so that I could have a dream I wasn’t even sure I wanted anymore.
“If only Pacey and Mackenzie could get that time machine to work.”
Elise snorted. “I have a feeling Corinne would have been pushing us to finish our homework right now. That way, we could go out and enjoy ourselves.”
I smiled, no longer feeling the sharp pain I used to feel anytime someone mentioned our friend. Corinne had died nearly a year ago now, and I missed her every day. I still couldn’t quite believe that she was gone, but it wasn’t as if I could go back and change things. I’d learned that the hard way.
“She and Mackenzie would have been best friends because Mackenzie’s already done with her work and out on a date with Pacey.”
“That sounds wonderful. I wish I was on a date,” Elise grumbled, looking through her work.
“With Pacey?” I asked, teasing, and then winced as she gave me a look.
Considering I’d had a massive crush on him and things had gotten awkward between us, I probably shouldn’t have brought him up. Yet, here we were, even in his house. We were at the guys’ home because our neighbor was installing new windows, and the sound had been driving us batty. Dillon had handed over the keys, kissed Elise soundly on the mouth, and told us to get studying. I was only slightly jealous of the love in his eyes every time he looked at her.