“It should be. You don’t need to worry about that. We’ll get you through school. I promise.”
I shook my head. “You say that, but I’m not sure. I know I have a year’s worth of school left in terms of bills and loans, but you can use my college fund if you need it.”
He shook his head. “No, I didn’t ask you here for you to give me the money your mother and I saved for you. The money that you saved for school. You need that for your future. Your sheepskin to ride with the flock and find out who you need to be.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“It’s fine. We’re not going to lose the house.”
My eyes widened. “We could lose the house?”
“I just said we wouldn’t.” I knew he was lying. It was written all over his face. Both of my parents had decent jobs, but we were lower middle class at best. When Mom died, Dad’s job should have been good enough, but insurance took so much out of us. School was expensive, and medical bills for Mom on top of my dad’s health issues meant we’d wiped out any savings accounts they had.
“If you’re saying that, it means you had to think about it.”
“I’m doing okay, Nessa. We both are. As long as you get a job outside of college, you should be fine.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Dad.”
“I love you. I know you were supposed to have time to figure out your next steps, but you’re going to need to think about it now. You only have a year left. Figuring out your path is never easy, and it’ll only be more complicated now.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I could take fewer courses and get some money back.”
“Nessa,” my dad warned.
“A degree from a community college is as good as a university. Maybe I can do that for the last year,” I said, even as my stomach turned. I had worked so hard for everything, but the loans were expensive, and I didn’t even qualify for everything. There were only so many scholarships out there for an English major, and I knew I would have to go to grad school if I wanted to continue my path. I couldn’t afford that.
I couldn’t afford anything, it seemed. The stress on my dad just then? I didn’t know if me finishing school like this was worth it.
“You’re not going to drop out. You’re going to finish. We’ll make it work.”
I saw the uncertainty in his gaze, and I knew all of my wishes and hard work might not be enough. We were so close, but it might not be enough.
Just like before, I wasn’t enough. I never was. I would have to change something. Fix something. Only I didn’t know what or how to do it. My dad was floundering, and I was treading water right next to him. My mom was gone, and we couldn’t lie in stasis forever. I didn’t know how to fix anything. Didn’t know how to make any of this better.
Dropping out this semester would save enough money to keep us afloat for now. It wasn’t like my major did much. I had gone to school for a dream. However, it seemed that even though I’d had a plan, a way to continue my future, it wouldn’t be enough.
Another choice I had made was about to blow up in my face. Only this time, it would hurt my dad, too. And I only had myself to blame.
Chapter 4
Miles
I should have known it was a dream the moment Nessa wrapped her hand around my cock, but I didn’t. Instead, I let myself believe that it was real because dream Nessa liked me. Dream Nessa said she wanted to be with me. And dream Nessa was currently licking down my Adonis line and nipping at my skin. I groaned, sliding my hand through her hair as she slowly lapped at the side of my dick before sucking the tip. With that motion, my body shook as I neared release. Only this was a dream, and my body somehow kept going as if it knew that it needed to hold on just a bit longer. Dream Nessa’s mouth was damned talented, but I needed to be stronger. I was not about to blow on the first lick and touch.
Nessa sucked me down again, and I pulled at her hair, needing her mouth. I just needed her. At this moment, it wasn’t a dream for me. This was real. It was her wanting to be with me. And it wasn’t only in my imagination because, hell, I was dream Miles at the moment, too. She crawled up my body, and I moaned, taking her mouth, delving my tongue between her lips. She whimpered, and I cupped her breasts, her nipples hard little nubs against my palms. I keened, needing more. Needing everything.
I reached for her, wanting her on top of me. She looked up at me, pushing her hair back from her face as she straddled me, and then she winked before her eyes widened slightly and…she was gone.
I was eighteen again, sitting in a car, my mouth open in a scream, two steps behind once more.
I wouldn’t be able to stop this. I looked over as Rachelle smiled at me, that loopy grin that told me she’d had one too many drinks. But then again, how was I supposed to know? I’d never drunk before. The first night I did, my twin sister had gotten behind the wheel. We should have done something. I should have made better choices, but I hadn’t. I knew what came next. This wasn’t a dream. It was a memory. Rachelle looked at me again, and then there were screams, shouts that echoed and would never go away. Mine, hers, my family’s. Everyone’s.
The car hit metal, and there was no going back. Rachelle looked at me again, but I didn’t know how. She gave me a sad smile, opened her mouth to say something, and then there was nothing.
“Miles, wake up,” Tanner said as he shook me awake. I lay hunched over my books at my desk and groaned as I sat back, fixing my glasses that were now askew on my face.
“Shit, did I fall asleep?” I asked the obvious question.
Tanner gave me a weird look. “Yes. We had a long week.” A pause. “You okay?”
From the way he looked at me, I knew I must’ve said something in my sleep. Maybe screamed my sister’s name again.
The others weren’t aware of what lurked in my nightmares. All of us kept secrets, and that was fine with me. They didn’t need to know that the first time I’d ever had a drink, I had decided to let my twin drive, even though she’d had more. I’d been too drunk to rationalize anything at the time.
Rachelle had always been the partier. The one who got busted for weed and booze when we were fourteen. I had tried to take the rap for her then, hating the disappointed looks on my parents’ faces, but they had known. They always knew that I was the good son. The geeky one, who wore glasses and did well in school and never partied because I was too afraid to get caught. At high school graduation, I had wanted to let loose, to prove that I wasn’t that person anymore.
Only I had made stupid decisions because my best friend, my twin, had told me that everything was fine, that she could handle it—that she did it all the time. Drunk me had known not to trust her but hadn’t been in the right frame of mind to do anything about it. Sober me never would have done that. I hadn’t made the right decision.
And now, Rachelle was gone.
Nobody else needed to know that. Not when it hurt so much to think about it.
“Shit, did I drool on my books?” I tried to alleviate some of the tension, but I knew it wouldn’t work.
Tanner just gave me a look but didn’t ask. For that, I was grateful. Then again, I didn’t ask questions about his past, either. We were roommates, and he was my closest friend out of the four of us—five if you included our former roommate, Sanders.