Although, that might be about to change.
Taking the steaming mug of hot chocolate from Addy, I gave her a small smile as she sat down in the seat across from me. The new staff room was completely different from the old one we had before the fire. When Addy talked about re-building, I had been totally surprised when she included me in the meeting with Deck and his construction crew. I had to admit, her asking me for my input on the new clinic soothed some of the anxiety of returning to work. Call it a sixth sense, or just maybe Addy was having the same thoughts as me; whatever it was, she decided on a new design and outlay—changing up the whole clinic, so nothing was as it used to be. That made it easier to walk back in, that and the humdinger security system Ford installed. No client could enter the clinic without being buzzed in by the receptionist at the front desk. Then once in, cameras caught every movement.
Booth, his club and Grill making sure nothing like that night could ever happen again.
“Want to talk about what is wrong?” Addy asked, her hand covering mine gently. “Was it something to do with being back here, or to do with a certain dark-haired commando who takes off to parts unknown?”
Laughing, I shook my head, “Funnily enough, it is neither really. Yes, I had some apprehension coming back to work, but this building is so completely different and new, it honestly feels like a safe place to work. Thanks to the club and the new security measures they have in place. Knowing no one can just barge in is a huge help in feeling normal here again.”
“Yeah, Deck and Booth really went above and beyond with the extras, not that I am complaining. Marshall had real trouble letting me come back to work when we re-opened eight weeks ago. I believe Rafe had the same kind of concerns with you.” Addy lifted her own cup up to her lips, and no doubt to hide the smile I knew was forming.
“Subtle boss,” I huffed, but at least my tears had dried up, and the hiccupping had subsided enough to talk properly.
“And before you ask, no my breakdown didn’t have anything to do with Rafe either … well, not much. I am annoyed at him for taking off after being away on deployment for so long,” I conceded, hoping that I wasn’t giving away too much about my feelings towards him.
“But then I really have no right to have such concerns considering we aren’t—” waving my hand in front of me, “anything really.” Hating the lie that just came from my lips. I was something to Rafe; I just wasn’t sure what, just like he was something to me.
A firm smack was suddenly delivered to my hand, the sting shocking me.
“What a load of bull crap!” Addy growled at me. “Rafe is very much something to you as you are to him, Pey. Why you sell yourself so short all the time pisses me off. That night something happened between you and Rafferty Walsh and while Marshall has forbidden me to interfere,” Addy’s eyes rolled at her husband’s instruction, making me laugh, “I know without a shadow of a doubt, you two would be the perfect couple. I saw it that night—"
"Whoa, whoa, Addy, slow down,” I interrupted her, not wanting to hear what she was planning in her head. Since allowing herself to fall in love with Grill, and the birth of their daughter, Addy had it in her head that I was next, and as tempting as it was to be loved by a man like Rafe Walsh, I wasn’t sure if motherhood was in the cards for me.
Not only that, this whole line of conversation topic was way too premature, the other main person of the equation was MIA, again.
Reversing Addy’s hold on my hand, I gave her hand a warning squeeze.
“Honey, I appreciate that you are deliciously happy. Your man and your daughter complete the void you suffered growing up. But Addy, not everyone gets to have it all, some people never find it, and some, like me, had it all but very briefly then lost it. Life is not a fairy tale for everyone, boss.” I smiled at her, but there was no happiness behind it, just a truth.
“What did you lose, Pey?” Addy’s question came out in a trepid whisper, almost as if she was afraid to ask. And I was afraid to answer, but I knew I had to, although I’d planned on telling Rafe first, but now faced with it, maybe it was best if I spoke of it with Addy first. The first telling was always the hardest, at least, that was what my therapist used to tell me. At the time, I had refused to listen to her, refused to talk about what happened and I certainly never spoke of it to anyone else, but faced with it now, telling Addy might help me have some control when I eventually did speak with Rafe about it.
“You’re fidgeting, Peyton.” Looking down at my hands, I didn’t realise I had let go of hers and was currently shredding a note pad on the staff table.
Shit.
I would be shit in an interrogation or playing poker, I had so many tells people could make serious money off me.
“Listen Peyton, if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. Marshall says I need to mind my own business, but I care so much about—”
“I had a baby of my own once,” I blurted, cutting off Addy’s apology, the words just spilling out of me without conscious thought, and by the shocked look on Addy’s face, she wasn’t expecting me to say anything such as that.
“What—how—where?” Addy stammered out, nearly making me laugh, despite the seriousness of the topic. And it was going to get even more serious and sad.
Absently moving the shredded pieces of paper around in a circle on the table, I mentally gathered myself before continuing. Thinking about this was one thing I allowed myself to indulge in the memory of only when I was alone. However, in those times, I rarely said his name out loud or in my head; it was just too painful. Yet, here I was and about to lay it out for the first time in seven years.
“I fell pregnant when I was seventeen, but my boyfriend at the time barely stuck around long enough for the lines on the pregnancy test to appear. He took off like someone lit his arse on fire, refused to talk to me or acknowledge his part in the pregnancy.” Just thinking about Darren caused all kinds of hatred to boil inside me. We had been a couple for two years; his family knew mine, and our parents even helped the two of us get together. We were the perfect boyfriend and girlfriend, with wealthy parents and good Catholic school educations.
The world at our feet, until it wasn’t anymore.
“My parents were furious when I told them, his were even angrier. They accused me of trapping their son, called me all kinds of vile names and then one day, Darren was gone. They sent him off to study in England, and I was left pregnant and shunned by our friends and my family.”
“Did your family support you?”
“Not really, well in their own way, I guess. We had a beach house down at Torquey, so they sent me there to live. I had a tutor to help with my school work and a housekeeper, and Mum and Dad visited when they could. But they never looked at me or looked at my belly. It seemed as if they didn’t acknowledge it, then it wasn’t happening.”
“I spent nine months in a luxurious beach house, and it was the worst time of my life, or so I thought.” Sucking in a deep breath, I steadied myself for the hardest and most painful memory, one that would stay with me forever.
“I gave birth to a tiny baby boy, healthy and perfect and the spitting image of his dad. I fell in love immediately. All the lonely days and nights of that nine months all of a sudden melted away as soon as the nurse put my son in my arms.”