What’s another stiff dick, god knows, just thinking about her causes the monster in my pants to spring to life.
Whatever this attraction is between us, it couldn’t go anywhere, not with the complication that was my life.
Fuck it.
***
Parking Peyton’s ute in the visitors car park, I turned off the engine, and sat back in the seat and stared out the front windscreen.
I hated doing this–coming here after every deployment like clockwork for the last three years. Nothing changed outside of the building nor inside, but yet I still travelled to Bendigo to fulfill my responsibilities. Responsibilities not thrusted upon me, rather something I forced onto myself.
Sighing loudly, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, stalling myself from getting out of the car and taking the long walk up the path that would lead me to my torment.
“Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself?” I asked out loud, taking in a steading inhale of air, only to be hit with the faint scent of Peyton. Her floral scent surrounded me, and I couldn’t help turning my face to the side of the leather seat, placing my nose into the soft seat, and breathing in deeply.
Fuck!
That smell was imprinted into my senses, soft and feminine and uniquely Peyton. I called upon that smell more than I cared to admit, even in the privacy of the car’s cab. It was funny that I couldn’t remember the smell of Angie’s expensive as fuck perfume, but I could recall everything about the body lotion Peyton used every day. It was a scent that carried me through dark and lonely nights. Even in the chaos of war, when bullets were pinging at me from the enemy, Peyton was with me.
“Fuck my life,” I growled, snatching the keys out of the ignition. “Time to face what I did.” The familiar thread of dread clawed at my throat as I walked with purpose up the path, every step I fought the urge to run back to the ute and speed back to Ballarat. Back to Peyton. Last night had been pretty close to brilliant. Peyton made us a meal of chicken fettuccine with the creamiest sauce imaginable, as well as a dessert of marshmallow and chocolate decadence. Then we settled in to watch two movies, Peyton was a fan of action flicks. She was all about the car chases and buildings blowing up, which suited me just fine. She picked ones where the main characters had love interests, so I got the best of both worlds. Imagining kissing Peyton the whole time, though, meant I had to keep a cushion over my lap, her feet sitting on top of it tempting me. I could spend every single night home just like that, with Peyton.
“It is a nice day out there,” I said, standing at the large window in the huge luxurious room, looking anywhere but at the bed in the middle of the room.
“The roses outside your window are pretty spectacular, and I reckon they have gotten even bigger since my last visit.” Again as I spoke I kept my back to the room. Even with the sound of the door opening, I didn’t make an attempt to turn around.
“Hi Rafe, fancy seeing you here,” the cheerful voice of Nicole announced.
“Hey Nic, how are you doing? How is that husband of yours?”
“Wonderful as always,” Nicole answered immediately, I didn’t have to be looking at her to know she was smiling. I met Nicole when she was newly engaged, even attended her wedding, I knew her that well.
“Tell him I said hi, next time he is Ballarat get him to give me a call, yeah. If I am in town, we can meet up for a beer.”
“Louis will love that, thanks, Rafe.”
Keep talking Nicole, I urged her silently, keep talking, so there is another sound in the room other than that fucking machine.
“Rafe.” Nicole’s voice was gentle, but the meaning behind that one word meant more than just my name.
“I can’t look, Nicole, it is too hard. It’s getting too hard,” I rasped, placing my palms on the window ledge, my forehead falling to the cold glass.
“Someone needs to make a decision, Rafe. This isn’t a way for anyone to live,”
“I don’t have that right anymore, Nic.”
“And yet here you are, Rafe. Why is that, do you think?”
My chin dropped to my chest. I felt like the weight of the world was balancing on my shoulders with that one question.
The army taught me discipline, strength of character, and how to kill, amongst other skills. It also taught me to take responsibility for my actions. Being here was the ultimate description of that.
Resignedly I turned around to face the young nurse, my eyes trained on her and not the woman in the bed.
“Because it was my fault. I may not have been with her when she hit that tree, Nicole, but the blame lays squarely on my shoulders.”
“Her parents might think that, Rafe, but let me assure you no one here does. Angie had been drinking that night, and she willingly drank herself into a stupor, she chose to drive home well over the legal limit. You weren’t even in the country when it happened.” The same old argument was thrown at me, but just like every other time, I chose to ignore the logic.
“Our divorce papers were on the passenger seat, and she was drunk because I signed the decree to end our marriage.” Tearing my gaze from Nicole, I finally allowed myself to look upon the small figure in the middle of the queen-size bed. Nothing but the best, I thought bitterly.
“Angie might have asked for the divorce at first, but she begged me not to sign the papers. I don’t know how many times I argued with her that our marriage was over. After one fight too many, I finally yelled at her that I didn’t love her anymore.” Pausing, I took two steps towards the bed. “She cried through the phone, pleading for me to take it back, but I couldn’t. She killed my feelings for her, and I told her as much.”
“Rafe, you told me this before. You were in the middle of a war zone. Discussing marriage issues when the two people involved are thousands of kilometres apart isn’t exactly the best idea.”
“It was cruel of me Nic, and I said some shit to her I had no right to say. If I had just kept my mouth shut, she might not have gone to the club that night.”
“But she did Rafe, Angie made that decision, not you. Her parents keep her here, and while I understand the love they have for their daughter, this,” Nicole swept her arms at the bed, “is just a waste of time and money, and damned unfair to you.”
“Three years and not a sign of life from her, Rafe. Angie is brain dead, and I fear if this goes on any longer, you are going to suffer a lot worse than your ex-wife.”
Tearing my eyes from Angie’s lifeless form, I frowned at the private nurse.
“Explain,” I clipped.
“She is clinically dead, Rafe, there isn’t anything anyone can do for her, but your heart is going to head in the same way if you continue this quest to take the blame for something you had no control over.”
Using all my training, I schooled my features and said nothing, something told me Nicole wasn’t finished.
“It’s time to get her parents to sign the forms and turn off the machine that is keeping her artificially alive. Turn it off so you can start living again.”
The rebuttal was on the tip of my tongue, but Nicole sliced her hand through the air, stopping me.
“Just think about it Rafe, please. This isn’t fair to Angie either, she is in limbo just as much as you are.” With one pointed look at my ex-wife, Nicole slipped out of the room just as quietly as she came, but she left me with the impact a bullet made tearing through flesh.