‘Mommy?’ She turned, bending down to her little boy
‘Wren, honey, Mommy is going to hospital now. Remember how I told you that you’re going to be a big brother?’ He nodded, not understanding at all. She smiled anyway and was scooping him up in her arms for a hug when her mom knocked on the door. ‘I’ll be bringing your baby brother or sister home in a few days.’
But she was worried. She hadn’t felt the baby kick in the past few days. Wren hadn’t let up the closer they’d got to his birth, but this time, there was nothing. She had been so scared that she couldn’t even bring herself to go to the doctor to get herself checked out.
She let her mom in, who gave both her and Wren a big hug before taking her grandson from her daughter’s arms. Her mom rang an ambulance and as they waited Vanessa said, ‘I don’t want to do this by myself.’ She was scared.
‘He’ll come,’ her mom said optimistically, ‘and if he doesn’t, well, then fuck him.’
Vanessa stifled a small laugh. She knew within her heart that he wouldn’t come. There was always something more important than his family. Than Wren. He was no father to him at all.
So she wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t at the hospital waiting for her. Nor was he there when the doctor told her gently that there was no heartbeat and that her baby had died in the womb, the umbilical cord wrapped around her tiny neck. Her baby girl would be born dead.
Vanessa lay on the bed in shock, her whole body shaking. Her teeth chattered and she couldn’t seem to get warm no matter how many blankets they put on her. She was numb. Having to deliver her dead child was the most horrific thing she had ever done. Worse than anything Mark had inflicted upon her.
The nurse called her mom and soon after, she came striding through the door, her gaze immediately falling on Vanessa who burst into tears. Her mom sat on the edge of the bed and gathered Vanessa into her arms. ‘I know, baby. I know.’ The nurses caring for her gave the mother and daughter their privacy, and they stayed locked in an embrace for a long time. Vanessa’s eyes were puffy and red, her heart was broken.
‘I lost her, Mom. I did this.’
‘It’s not your fault, Ness. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s not.’
‘Where’s Mark?’ Vanessa asked, her voice hoarse from crying. Her throat felt ripped raw, like her heart, torn into tatters.
‘We can’t get ahold of him.’
‘But the bar must be closed by now. Did you try his cellphone?’
‘Yes, darl. He’s not answering.’ Her mom bit her bottom lip, clearly wanting to say more about the absentee Mark, but she held her tongue.
Vanessa rolled over on the bed. ‘I lost his child and he can’t even be bothered to show up.’ She didn’t know why she had expected anything else of him. Was he at home purposefully ignoring the hospital and her mom’s calls? Was he that callous? She thought of his hands on her throughout her pregnancy. Yes, he was.
Her mom rubbed her back until she finally fell into an uneasy sleep plagued with nightmares. She stayed in hospital for two more days, her mom taking care of Wren at her parents’ home. She had explained to Wren that Mommy wouldn’t be bringing a baby home with her because the baby had gone to heaven. Mark never came to see her. He didn’t even ring to check on her or to see how Wren was, or even find out where he was.
She came home without her daughter, a piece of her heart having died with her. When the taxi dropped her off at the curb, she stood there, wanting desperately to flee. To grab Wren and run and just keep running until she felt safe and happy again. She knew it was just a dream, that she’d never actually get away and start afresh.
Mark’s car was in the driveway, and she steeled herself for seeing him. She wished he were at work so she could just have some alone time for a little while before the inevitable confrontation. She unlocked the front door, pushing it open as quietly as she could. The longer she didn’t interact with him, the better. She was so damn angry with him.
She shuffled down the hallway to the room they shared. She looked at the bed where he had attacked her and made a baby. The thought of sharing it with him now was repulsive. He had battered her love for him right from her body and there was nothing left. She lowered herself carefully onto the bed and lay curled up on her side, the large tears rolling down her face to drip off her nose. She had sworn to protect her baby, but she hadn’t. Was she being punished still? Hadn’t she suffered enough living with Mark every day?
She heard heavy footfalls coming down the carpeted hallway. She stopped crying, swallowing her tears with difficulty. She couldn’t be hurt by anything he did anymore, surely? Her tear-filled gaze met his as he lounged in the doorway.
‘So, it died, huh?’
Her breath stilled. OK, he could still hurt her with his callousness. ‘Is that all you have to say? Your daughter just died!’ She began to cry again. ‘You weren’t even there for me.’
‘I had other shit to do, Vanessa. The world doesn’t revolve around you.’
‘No, just you.’
‘What the fuck did you just say?’ he demanded, walking two steps into the room. Her body tensed up, waiting for the punch. It didn’t come.
‘I didn’t want another baby with you anyway,’ he growled.
‘Then you shouldn’t have raped me.’ Truth only.
He slammed his fist into the wall, his hand going through the plasterboard. Good. She hoped it hurt. At least it wasn’t her face.
‘Don’t talk to me like that again, Vanessa,’ he warned.
‘Or what? You’ll do it again? Been there, done that. No fucking way. You touch me again and I’ll kill you in your sleep.’ She meant it.
He backed off, maybe seeing the truth and conviction in her eyes. She would never let him violate her again. He thumped the wall again and turned, walking back down the hallway. Vanessa let out a shaky breath.
‘Wren’s fine, thanks for asking!’ She couldn’t resist the parting shot, she just didn’t care anymore.
‘Don’t give a shit,’ came the faint reply.
He may not have cared about Wren, but she sure as shit did. She couldn’t wait another night to see him, she needed to hold him in her arms and smell the sweetness of his hair. She rang her mom and asked her to bring him back home to her.
Not even ten minutes later she was opening the front door to an excited Wren. The instant she saw her little man she felt like bursting into tears again, hoping the hot flow would burn the pain from her heart. Instead, she grabbed Wren and hugged him to her chest, smoothing down his fine hair and kissing him.
‘I won’t stay,’ her mom said, and Vanessa knew that she wanted to say something to Mark but didn’t want to make it worse for Vanessa. ‘Sure you don’t want me to have him for one more night?’
‘Yes, but thanks, Mom. I need him home.’ She kissed her mom’s papery cheek and closed the door, holding Wren tightly in her arms.
‘I missed you, sweetheart. I love you so much.’
‘Mommy!’ he said as he snuggled into her neck, placing a slobbery kiss on her shoulder. It was just what she needed. She just had to focus on Wren now. Make sure she could protect him.