“You forgive me?” He pulled me to him so tight, it was hard to see where one of us began and the other ended.
I knew our time together was limited. No sense wasting it carrying a grudge. “Past is in the past. Got to move forward.”
“Ain’t leaving here without you.”
I touched his face with the back of my hand, kissed his cheek, and then turned for the big house.
* * *
The next morning, I went down to the kitchen house to fetch Missus’s breakfast tray. Aunt Hope had just poured the coffee and covered the pot with tin. I stood next to her and whispered in her ear. “Essex in trouble.”
“Kind?”
“Big kind.”
Aunt Hope dropped her head under the table like she searched for something in case Missus snuck up on us with those hawk eyes and dog ears.
“Meet you t’night. Once she go down.”
That evening, I ground up some magnolia bark and stirred it into Missus’s evening cup of tea. It made her so sleepy that she waved off her nightly read of Godey’s Lady’s Book. When I heard her snoring, I tiptoed out. I listened for odd noises and footsteps near the kitchen house before tapping the door three times like Aunt Hope and I planned. Under the cover of night, she and I headed to the stables. I coughed and Essex opened the side door.
“Two days in a row.” He smiled at me, then greeted Aunt Hope by taking her hand. Essex led us into the back of the stables in the same small space behind the horse, Thunder. If anyone came in, we could crouch low and not be seen. Aunt Hope sat down on a haystack and then unwrapped fish and biscuits from a handkerchief and handed a bit to each of us. We ate in silence.
Essex’s eyes were on me.
“Now your belly full, what is it?”
I opened my mouth and recalled Essex’s confession. When I finished, he balled up his fist, but Aunt Hope did not look surprised.
“Whites always want to lay wit’ us and leave us wit’ they problems.”
“Then get rid of us to hide their indiscretions,” I added.
Essex started pacing the small space of floor.
“Ya mama teach you how to mix herbs to lose a baby?”
“No.” I felt embarrassed that I had not asked Mama more questions about her medicine. “Anyway, Missus too far along for herbs.”
“What you goin’ do?” Aunt Hope looked up at Essex.
“He has to run. I tore him a map from one of Miss Sally’s books.”
“Timing is everything,” Aunt Hope said. “How soon?”
“Soon as I can,” replied Essex.
“Got to be before the baby is born,” I pushed. “Aunt Hope, Jasper the only one made it off this plantation.”
“And they drag him back here like a mangy dog.”
“We thought you could tell us his plan.” I tried jogging any memories she might recall.
“Jasper’s plan was to make it up to Balt’more, find work at the docks, and then save money to get to New York.” She turned to me. “Best for Essex if you write him a pass from the Missus. Give him some protection out there.”
“I can try in the morning, while she walking the plantation.”
“I pack you provisions and one of my good knives.” Aunt Hope moved to stand. “Pheby, you goin’ too?”
“Master promised me papers when I turn eighteen. He promised Mama.”
Aunt Hope let out a bitter laugh. “White folks’ promises ain’t but dust. ’Specially the white folks called Massa.” She stood up and hissed over her shoulder, “The blood ones hurt you most.”
She closed the door behind her, but I suddenly felt cold. Something took hold of my body, and even wrapped in my shawl, I could not shake it.
“Come here.” Essex held my hand and led me up to the loft above the horses. When we kissed, I felt like a dying woman and his lips my only antidote. This raw, desperate hunger for him dulled my sense of logic and reason, and I considered running with him.
“I love you, Essex Henry,” I breathed, and he swallowed my words down in his throat. I saw them when I sucked on the spot. His hands fevered me everywhere, and our clothes melted away from our skin as we clumsily found the straw bed. My need for him grew more impatient with each inhalation. I sought for him to reach my cold spots and make them fiery again. We rocked and clung until our circumstance drifted away. A quiver rolled through me as his sweaty body convulsed against mine, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, absorbing all his fears and worries.
The fluids between us dried, but we were too exhausted to dress. My fingers caressed Essex’s chest while I contemplated. Lovemaking must be equivalent to the feeling of freedom. No ties to time or space, hindrance or restraints.
“Come with me, Pheby. I will protect you. You heard Aunt Hope. We cain’t trust any of them. You all I got.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him long and hard, until his desire for me stirred and I could offer him more.
CHAPTER 6
Homecoming
Master’s promise of freedom had lived inside of me for so long, I found it hard to let it go. Mama talked of it as often as she did her recipes for healing, weaving it into the fabric of my life. All Essex talked about was me running with him, and the conversations filled me with dread. I wanted to speak to Mama, needed her wisdom to help me make sense of it all.
A few weeks passed, then a letter from Master Jacob arrived. Missus left it on her writing desk, so I waited for her to take her evening walk around the plantation before I read it in secret. It said that Master would be home by the sixth of July, and for her to let Aunt Hope know that he wanted her to slaughter a hog to celebrate his good fortune in his business affairs and his return. Our preparations to receive him began right away; the entire house had to be deep cleaned including the windows inside and out, his favorite foods prepared, and the lawns and bushes manicured. Missus Delphina worked us from dawn to dark for nearly a week. We were all relieved when she gave us a rare half day’s rest on the Sabbath.
Aunt Hope sent me to the smokehouse to fetch the pork drippings, right after I had finished bathing and washing my own clothes. Now I would have the smell of smoke in my hair. I had just placed a small sample of meat between my lips when I heard the plantation bell. One. Two.
I lifted the left side of my skirt while balancing the meat in my right palm, walking swiftly past the garden and over to the side of the house to hear the announcement. When I got there, I saw that Lovie had rung the bell. She beckoned me over and whispered.
“Pheby, Missus needin’ you directly. Massa’s carriage been spotted. He on his way home.” She beamed.
I tucked the meat under a cloth and dropped it off in the scullery. My heart thudded against my chest as I bounded quickly up the narrow steps, then took three seconds at Missus’s bedroom door to steady my breath before entering. When I walked in, she threw a fork at me and it hit me in the arm. I bit my lip so as to not yell out.
“Why are you always moving to your own time? Get down my green dress now.”
“I do not think that one still fits.” I gestured to her protruding belly. According to Lovie’s calculation, Missus had about another month and a half to go before the baby would arrive.