“You know I ain’t have no choice.”
“Ain’t you a man?”
Essex glared at me. “In this place, I’s a slave first.”
I stood with my fist balled, ready to hit him again, but he pinned my arms down by my sides.
“Calm down.”
“How! When you stomping all over my heart!”
“I’s so sorry. She said if I ain’t do what she said, she would tell Massa I forced her with a knife. Said he have me strung up.”
I wriggled but he held me tighter.
“Baby, you know I don’t want that woman. All I wants is you.”
The betrayal made me choke on my own saliva. I broke into a fit of coughs until my lungs finally made way for air to flow. Not wanting to stand so close to Essex, I tried to push past him, but he held me in his arms. Over and over again, I banged my fist into his chest. All my life, Miss Sally had me thinking things would always go my way. Mama had me thinking I was more than a slave. But nothing was working in my favor. Not even my man was mine. Essex stood tall, taking every punch until I crumpled in my chair from exhaustion. When I settled down, he passed me his canteen of water. I drank and then held the cold metal to my forehead, trying to get my thoughts right.
“When did this happen?”
He sat across from me. “During her morning walks she come get me from the stables.”
“Why are you telling me now?”
“I cain’t be wit’ you like man and woman with that secret wearing a hole in my heart. I hated keeping it from you but I ain’t want to hurt you either.”
The silence between us grew like a presence in the room. Then a bigger worry weighed down on me. “When did this thing between you start?”
Essex’s face flashed pain. “ ’Fore the winter festival.”
I counted the months by my fingers, then counted again to be sure.
“What you doin’?”
“Missus could be carrying your baby.”
He winced. “What you mean?”
“Enough moons have passed to line up with how long you been… together.”
Essex grabbed his ears and started pacing the floor. “I don’t want this trouble on my head.”
“If Missus have a dark baby, she still gon’ accuse you of rape. Be her word against yours. You be hanging from the tree fast as Snitch could get to you.”
“I have dishonored you, Pheby, to survive, and you telling me my circumstance is gettin’ worst?” He stopped walking.
“We have to get you off this plantation before that baby is born. You have to run.”
I could see the degrees of emotion as they passed through his eyes; then he clenched his jaw tight. “Ain’t leaving here without you. Got to come with me, Pheby.”
I swayed unsteadily on my feet, smoothed back my hair, and tried to regain my bearings. “I better get back to the house ’fore I am missed.”
“Pheby.” He reached for me but I slid away.
“You have dumped a lot on me tonight. Wrecked me in my core. Just give me a little time to sort things.” I let myself down the ladder.
When I got outside, it had started to rain. I trampled through the wet grass feeling a heaviness in my soul. It made me more tired than all my work combined.
CHAPTER 5
Betrayal
I tried to focus on my morning chores, but pain dragged behind me like a weight chained to my ankle. I could not stop picturing Missus all over Essex. Kissing him, touching him, finding pleasure with him. The vision of them together made me sick to my stomach. Even though I knew Essex had no choice, my heart hurt no less. Last night was supposed to be special, and Missus Delphina took that opportunity away from me.
When she called me to dress her that morning, I wanted to wrap my hands around her neck until her eyes popped out of the sockets. She had everything. Why did she have to take what was mine too? As I yanked her corset over her belly, all I kept thinking was that her baby could be Essex’s. Essex could be killed over the child she carried, and I knew it fell on me to help him escape.
All my agony made me terrible at my responsibilities. Lovie caught me staring off several times and cautioned me to get my head right, but not even her chastising fixed my concentration on my work. In the two days that followed Essex’s confession, I broke two bowls, skinned my knee, spilled Missus’s coffee in her lap, and uprooted radishes that were not ripe. Aunt Hope sent me to the henhouse for a basket of fresh eggs and I wasted three on the floor. Down on my knees, mopping up the spill, was where Essex finally found me.
“We needin’ to talk.”
I wiped the sticky yolk on the front of my apron. It was the first time I had seen him since we talked, and as much as I wanted to stand in anger, I still loved him. Still wanted him.
“Aunt Hope is waiting on these eggs.”
“Meet me in the stables in ten minutes,” he whispered.
I left the eggs with Aunt Hope and mentioned that I would be in the loom house letting out Missus’s petticoat. She nodded, humming one of her Jesus songs while mixing a wet batter for the fried flounder we would eat later. I ducked around to the back of the stables, and before I could cough, Essex opened the side door and pulled me in. He led me to the stall, tucking us behind a horse named Thunder.
“Best place for us to talk during the day.”
I held my breath so as not to breathe in the stink of horse manure. Essex put his mouth to my ear and spoke so soft that I struggled to hear him.
“Been thinking about my escape route.”
I reached into my hidden skirt pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
“What’s that?”
“It is a map I stole from one of Miss Sally’s books. Part of my geography lessons with her.” I opened it up and pushed it against the wall so that we could both see.
“I traced the route north for you last night. Traveling by dark and hiding during the day would be your best defense against the slave catchers.”
His hand grazed mine, sending a familiar spark up my spine, as he took the map from me. I watched as he dug a hole in a bale of hay and stuffed the map deep inside.
“You brilliant, Pheby.”
I searched the dark space for his eyes. “You are not afraid?”
“Been thinkin’ about running when you set free for a long time. Guess I’s just getting a head start.”
I shuddered in my skin, scared for him. It seemed such a long way to freedom. “It is dangerous, Essex.”
“Come with me.” He grabbed my hands. “Two heads better than one. We can stand back-to-back and fight off the enemy together. At night, keep each other warm.”
“But Mama—”
“We can make it.”
I dropped his hands. “Mama has worked hard on securing my freedom. Seems like before I was even born. I owe it to her to see her plan through.”
“You trust Massa that much?”
“I do.”
Essex bit down on his bottom lip.
“I think we had better bring Aunt Hope in on the plan. Jasper was her son, and the only slave who made it off this plantation.”
He nodded. “But I want you to come, Pheby. Cain’t picture my life without you.”
I put my finger to his lips. “Everything happening so fast now.”