She said that Brandt is a buddy and this whole thing is just for fun, but any guy my age knows that guys my age will take about as much “fun” as they can get from any pretty girl… in any situation. He’ll be all over her… even if she doesn’t have feelings for him.
She is gorgeous. Of course he’ll be all over her.
My stomach turns.
The dumbest part of the entire thing is that I have agreed to go just to piss Jessie off. All I want is for her to tell me how she really feels, about me, about us… about the idea of us being more than we ever have been before. But I guess she really has told me how she feels – she feels like I should go out on a date with Missy – that’s how she really feels.
She’d been as cool as a cucumber, minus a few pauses where I was pretty sure that her “great” idea was causing her a lot of angst. If she does have any secret feelings hiding in there, she sure as shit is keeping them quiet.
I’d kissed her. I’d made that move – so if she wants me, she has no reason not to say so. It’s pretty fucking obvious that I want her.
Fuck.
I guess she wants to stay just friends. That’s fine. Just fine. Superb. All relationships end in heartbreak anyway. That much I am convinced of.
It’s not that I don’t believe in love. Love is real – very real. Painfully fucking real.
My dad had loved my mother in such a palpable way that you’d swear there was some sort of cupid’s arrow sticking out of both of their asses. He’d worshipped her. He still worships her. And she had been absolutely nuts over him.
I remembered saying “ick” and “gross” a lot as a young kid, because those two were always smooching, embracing, and otherwise losing themselves in each other. Even after four goddamn kids.
Pierce had certainly been in love with Sarah. She was the only human on the planet who ever got him to burst into gut laughs in front of other people. Quiet and reserved and ever oh-so-proper Pierce came alive with Sarah, and even I couldn’t deny that it’d been verging on adorable to watch.
They’d had their children, Avonlea... then Braden... And I damn near considered rethinking my stance on love because Pierce was just so un-freaking-believably happy.
In fact, I’d reconsidered that stance enough that I was this close to talking to Jessie about... us. About this thing between us that never seems to fucking go away. I’d wanted to know. Only a sophomore in college, but I had wanted to know how she felt, because I was pretty sure I knew...
And then Sarah died. One car accident and boom. Pierce was destroyed, and all the years that have passed haven’t changed a thing.
Pierce is still destroyed.
He and my father are both part of a club that come hell or high water, I refuse to join. The Widowers Club. You get your membership ID the same second the love of your life is ripped away from you in an unfair, irreparable way.
No thanks.
Don’t love me, Jessie. That’s fine. Don’t even like me. We’ll both suffer for it eventually.
I stare at myself hard in my bathroom mirror.
I look ridiculous.
Way too much time has gone into taming my shaggy brown hair. I’m wearing spiffy jeans with no holes. I even picked out a blue shirt to match my blue eyes.
If I don’t want to go on this date and get stuck with Missy, then why am I putting so much goddamn effort into looking good?
Of course, I already know the answer, and the answer annoys the living hell out of me.
I’m trying to look nice for Jessie. My best friend. The one who set me up with her friend. The one who will be on a date with another guy right in effing front of me.
Yep. Ridiculous. You are a fool, Payden Hardick. A fucking fool.
I could have gone for an evening ride with Gaston, the trails will be free of visitors at this time of day. Just me and my horse and no bullshit small talk with strangers that I never wanted to meet in the first place.
This could have been a good night.
Horses are always preferable to people, all animals are, really. You always know what you’re getting with them. For instance, if Gaston had ever bucked me off in our long journey of growing up together, he would have done so for a very good reason that I had simply missed the cues to. Animals, and horses especially, always act logically if you’re paying attention.
And I do pay attention. Close attention.
I can usually guess Gaston’s next move before he makes it. The times when he’s taken me off guard, I hadn’t been listening closely enough.
Period.
I can sit and stare at a human straight in the face for five hours and still have no idea what the hell kind of madness they are going to spout out of their piehole as soon as the urge to talk hits them.
People are the worst.
Jesus Payden. You’re gonna be a fun date.
I know I have to shake this bad mood off somehow. I’ve agreed to this stupid outing, and I refuse to back out now. Jessie will want to know why, and I won’t know how to tell her. Or worse, she’ll just blow it off as something she totally expected me to do anyway and go out without me.
If she’s going on a date with Brandt, I’m going on a date with Brandt, dammit. Well. Not exactly, but... I will be there. Screw that guy. He’s known Jessie for what? A few years at most? I’ve known her since the days when pooping in the toilet was considered quite the accomplishment.
Boom.
“Can’t beat that, can ya buddy!” I holler at my mirror – glad, for once, that I have my own damn wing in this massive house. I’ve got privacy for days.
“Who in the hell are you talkin’ to?” Penn comes around the corner just as I am relishing in my seclusion. There’s no such thing as privacy in the Hardick mansion. Who am I kidding?
“Nobody. What are you doin? You could knock, ya know.” I immediately adopt my usual, impassive expression.
“I did knock. I figured you were in the shower or something but...” he eyes me carefully, “I see that the showering has been done already. Who you spiffin’ up for?”
I roll my eyes. “I’d hardly call this spiffing up. I’m not in a tux, and I’m not being forced to mingle with rich assholes at some boring as shit black tie affair.”
Penn laughs. “You are a rich asshole.”
“Ha. Good one. So are you.” I shake my head and walk past Penn and out of my master bathroom.
“So, who are you being forced to mingle with, then?” Penn definitely isn’t going to let this one go. He wants all the details so he can run back to Valerie and the two of them can analyze my life for the next hour.
“Not forced, Penn. Just going for some dinner with some friends.” I casually stride around the room, gathering my keys, my wallet, my –
“Friends? Plural? You know you’re only allowed to be friends with Jessie. When she finds out – man. You’re gonna be in trouble.” Penn is leaning against my bedroom wall now, shaking his head in mock terror and then busting into laughter. Again.
“They’re Jessie’s friends,” I spit at him.
He nods. “Now, that makes sense. So Jessie’s forcing you to hang out with some people you’ve never met before in your life. Yes. I’m following along now.” His smug little smirk is nearly sibling slap worthy. Not quite. But close.