My mom sighs heavily. “You weren’t even listening just now, were you?”
I shake my head. “Sorry. That really was unintentional.”
Mom nods and grabs my hand from across the table. “I know it was. You can’t help it. Your mind is a mess right now.”
I tilt my head. “Say what now?”
“Your mind! Your focus. I know you’re having a bit of a bumpy summer... trying to figure things out between yourself and Payden –”
“Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa. Stop. There’s nothing going on between me and Payden.” I do some ballistic gymnastics through my memory to doublecheck for a slip of some sort on my part, but I don’t need to.
I know for a damn fact that I haven’t said a word about Payden regarding that kiss or any other “involvement” to anyone. Not even to Payden. And aside from Pierce walking in on us, no one else has a clue.
Pierce certainly didn’t tell my mother, he is the human equivalent of a mausoleum. What goes into that brain stays in that brain. He’d never repeat what he saw, and he’d never get involved in anyone else’s extracurricular activities in the first place.
“Jessie. I’m your mother. I’ve known there was something there for years. Probably before you did. It’s natural. Payden is a nice, handsome boy whom you’ve known for a very long time. He’s well off. He’s kind,” my mother pauses, possibly realizing that she is building him up way more than she meant to.
“Geez, Mom. Why don’t you date him?” I quip, resuming my egg stabbing. I’d pay a few hundred dollars and possibly donate a kidney if this conversation could be about respecting my elders, as I’d predicted, and not about Payden.
“Jessie, I’m being serious. You’re falling for him. But you need to stop and ask yourself if it’s really worth ending up stuck on a ranch for the rest of your life. Because that’s where you’d be. That boy isn’t going anywhere,” Mom declares, shaking her head sadly.
Twilight zone. I have entered the twilight zone.
“Okay, first of all, I stand by what I said before. There’s nothing going on between me and Payden, aside from being best friends. And I think it’s safe to say that’s nothing new. Second of all, I love how you talk about life on Hardick Ranch as some sort of prison sentence. The place is like a freaking castle and a wildlife resort all rolled into one. Why would Payden ever want to leave?” I gaze at her, waiting for something that makes sense to drop out of her mouth.
“That’s exactly my point, Jessie. He won’t want to leave. And if you end up with him, you’ll never leave either. You have so much going for you. Once you get your degree you can go anywhere you want. Anywhere. See anything. Meet boys who aren’t... ranchers.” Mom’s nose wrinkles in disgust.
“You do realize I like the ranch life, right? I want to be a veterinarian so I can work with ranch animals. I have no intention of ending up on Hardick Ranch, but I love the country, Mom. You know that. Colorado is beautiful. I don’t understand what it is you think that I’d be giving up.” I look around us, taking in the scene. The sun is higher in the sky now, which only makes every last aspect of the view more vivid and enticing.
“You think that now. You won’t feel that way forever. Eventually, all you’ll see when you look out at that picturesque horizon is a trap. And all you’ll feel is regret.” Mom is viewing the same exact world that I am, but she is seeing it very differently.
Very differently.
I definitely got my tough cookie attitude from my father, but physically, I am nearly my mother’s carbon copy.
I observe her from across the table, her big brown eyes lost in some epically awful land of remorse. I have the same brown eyes, but hers are the melancholy version of my own. I’ve known for years now that she isn’t happy, but not as many years as she’s been unhappy.
“You wish you’d stayed in the city. You wish you hadn’t met Dad.” I speak quietly, unsure of where my father actually is. For all I know, he could be pacing right inside the sliding glass doors and trying to think up his next lecture.
Mom’s head whips toward me. “That isn’t true. I love your father. And in the beginning... There were many good times. We were in love. There’s a difference that you haven’t quite figured out yet. Love is permanent. In love is not. Not for anyone.”
“Inspiring,” I reply, shaking my head in disbelief.
Maybe she’s right about her own relationship, but she couldn’t possibly be right about the entire world of relationships.
One clear example that proves her wrong immediately is Paul Hardick and his late-wife, River. Payden’s parents had four children and were by no means newlyweds in the days leading up to River’s diagnosis. And those two had been hot as fire for each other.
Even during her treatments, and remissions, and relapses... Even in the last days, when they’d stopped treatments and she’d returned to the ranch to (essentially) die in her home with her beloved family... Even when she’d lost so much weight that she no longer looked like Payden’s mom at all...
Paul Hardick had always been deeply in love with River, that was clear.
Everyone knew the man had written a book just for her in the first year after she passed. He’d secluded himself, as though getting those words onto paper was more important than anything else in the universe.
And I think to him it was.
Payden and his brothers were definitely affected by that year of feeling like orphans... but oddly enough, none of them held it against their father.
They loved her too, and I think somehow, they understood what he had to do before life could go on as usual.
That was love. That was in love. And that was real. I’d watched it play out with my own young eyes.
“Sometimes the truth isn’t inspiring, Jessie, but I wouldn’t be a good mother if I didn’t try to warn you. There are things a young woman can’t know until she’s cemented herself into a mistake. I don’t want that for you.” My mom appears to be on the verge of tears.
I do pity her. How awful, to regret your entire life. She can’t even see the beauty around her anymore... All she can see is a prison cell.
I’d never wish divorce on anyone, but the fact that my mother has stayed here while being thoroughly miserable is something I could never do. I know she thinks that she did it for me, but I think, more so, she’d stayed because she was scared to leave.
Being on your own sounds amazing to a disgruntled spouse, until they actually have to be on their own.
I would rather be sitting across a table from her anywhere, in any city, town, or country, and see her (divorced) face smiling back at me – really smiling – than have her sullen and mopey every damn day of her life, but still married to my father.
“Well lucky for you, Mom, you don’t have to worry about me. Like I said, nothing is happening between me and Payden. Just because we’re adults now doesn’t mean we can’t still be close friends. That’s what we’ve always been, and that’s what we’ll always be.” I make the declaration confidently enough that I nearly convince myself.
My mother stares at me with her ever-sad eyes and takes another swig of her heavily spiked breakfast beverage. “I don’t expect you to confide in me, Jessie. I only hope you’ll think about what I said.”