“Works doesn’t it?” she said.
“Better than going inside.”
“I’ve worked on other projects that used this location. Saved my life in December.”
I cringed. “April is bad enough.”
“Just wait until you have to get out.”
“Look at you two sneaking off.” Quell was behind me.
I glanced over my shoulder, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“You are jealous,” Ella said without opening her eyes.
“Not really as they need you back down there,” Quell said.
“What?” Her eyes snapped open.
“Mel wants you for something.”
She sighed and climbed out. “Fuuuuck.”
“Want to join me?” I asked Quell when Ella walked away. I felt awkward being in here alone.
“I can’t…” Why did he look like a panicked animal?
“I don’t bite.” Was it because he’d have to get naked and I was gay? I hated myself for thinking these things about people, but what else could it be? He’d have to get used to it fast if we were going to film sex scenes.
“I know.” He laughed, the lines in his face easing. “I have to go to makeup. I smudged myself.”
“Aren’t you a pro at this by now?” I asked.
“You’d think, but it happens daily. I can’t seem to remember not to touch my face.”
“Got it. Go get fixed.” I watched him as he walked away, still not sure I had any grasp on him. I thought we were cool after our chat, and clearly he was into the project and the gay thing but then this had me all turned around again. It was a real head fuck.
He was putting out mixed signals, and I wanted to know if it was me or him.
Six
QUELL
It had been a day. Entirely my fault but it had still been a day.
“You’re off.” Ella took a seat next to me. We sat in the apartment the studio provided. Housed in one of the nicer Vancouver buildings, the place’s spectacular view spread as far as the eye could see. I’d done this for so long, I could make most any place feel like home. We were always on location someplace. I spent more time on sets than I ever had at the place in Malibu Rachael had decided we were going to buy. It was more a vacation house to store our shit than anything else and now I never wanted to go back there. I’d already told her she could have the place.
But this condo was off. This one didn’t feel like home. It felt alien. Alone. It probably had something to do with the fact I’d always had someone with me before. And where Rachael was, was home. Home would never exist again, and I was going to have to get used to this empty feeling in my chest and the depression that came with knowing I wasn’t wanted and probably never would be again. At least not for me. Fame was amazing, and it let me live a fantastic life, so privileged I probably didn’t realize how much. But fame made a few things hard, and one of them was finding someone who didn’t see me as dollar signs and a way to their own fame. Rachael had never treated me that way.
Maybe it’s why I invited Ella to drink with me tonight despite our early call.
“Quell.”
Fuck. I put the fake smile back on my face, playing the part I knew everyone wanted to see. “Sorry. Yeah, I’m off. You can tell?”
Ella gave me a look. “This isn’t my first go around, honey.”
“Isn’t it our fourth?” I agreed but didn’t let myself slip again. I kept my body casual and my expression relaxed.
“Going way back to before you were famous.”
I trusted Ella with most everything, which is why I’d asked her to work on the project with me. “And I’ve put up with you this long.” I refilled our drinks, placing the cool glass to my forehead as I leaned back.
“You mean I’ve put up with you.” She scoffed. “You’re going to move in with me by the end of this thing, aren’t you?”
I side-eyed her. “Maybe, but my place is nicer.”
“Rachael not coming at all? “
I closed my eyes, blocking her out. “Can we not?”
“She’s usually here with you. You gonna tell me what’s up?”
“We’ve been broken up for months,” I said at length. “I guess I can’t hide it forever.” I was dying to get it off my chest. What good was it going to do? It would come out eventually when we signed divorce papers. Or once one of us started seeing someone else.
“What the fuck?” She smacked my shoulder. “I thought you two were having a tiff or she was filming someplace else.”
“Well shit.” I stood and turned towards the windows. “We didn’t even fight. She’s not in love with me anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“She told me I’m too hard to be with.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” She was by me side, rubbing a hand down my back. “Tell me she didn’t say that to you.”
“She did and it’s true. When I’m depressed…” I didn’t want to finish the sentence. It hurt and I was scared to admit what I’d been thinking.
“Don’t do that, Q.”
“Do what?” I asked.
“Shut down. I want to listen.”
“There isn’t anything to say. It’s been months.” I put a hand over my face, needing to keep my emotions in. If I lost it now, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop losing it.
She was quiet for a moment, and I prayed she was going to drop it.
“Have you told anyone?” she asked.
“Not even my family.” I walked towards the windows like I could escape the conversation by putting space between us.
“Quell.”
“It’s how I am. I don’t like people in my business. I want to be happy and funny and make people laugh. I can’t do that if I’m a fucking disaster.”
“But you can’t internalize it and hide it forever.” She was by my side leaning against the window.
I didn’t dare run away again. “Why not?” I pressed my eyes closed. I wasn’t about to show this. I was going to fucking push it down into my gut until I didn’t have to think about it again.
“Because it’s making you sick. I can tell you’re not yourself.”
I pressed my forehead into the glass, avoiding her gaze. “I’m doing okay.”
“Is she telling people?”
“No, she wants us to keep it a secret until after her premiere.”
Ella scoffed. “I bet she does.”
“I don’t blame her.” I didn’t tell her I’d promised Rachael I’d go with her.
“Did she really solely blame it on your depression?”
“First she tried to play it off.” This made me look at her. “She told me I deserved more. We wanted different things and she told me she was never going to want the things I did.”
Ella hissed under her breath. “Do you think it’s true?”
I lifted my hands palms up. “How can I know? She might have said the rest because I got really depressed after.” I bit down on my lip, replaying it all in my head. “I am hard to be with. I can admit it.”