“Like she doesn’t know when you’re playing with her?”
I ponder his question. “Yeah. Sometimes it seems as though she's confused by what emotion my reactions are, and so she becomes timid. Is that even a thing?”
“I think so?”
We share a laugh, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. She always asks for confirmation about plans, giving me a way out. And when she thought she truly hurt my feelings by calling me rude that first day, it would make sense. I’m going to have to look more into it.
The rest of the day is filled with individual interviews with the family. And the son finally cracks and rats out who broke in—he owes drug dealers money and offered to pay his friends to do the dirty deed. That family has a long road of recovery ahead of them.
After clocking out earlier than expected, needing to try and fix things with Hope, I stop for flowers and dinner from the MShack she loves so much and hope to hell she opens the door for me when I knock.
As I approach our duplex, I see her brother sitting on my porch, waiting for me. That’s likely a no on her opening the door for me now.
Fuck.
“I warned you, man.” He points aggressively towards me as I get out of my truck. “What did I say? I said, don’t break her heart. She doesn’t have any more room in her life for an asshole like you, who can’t even spend a week with her before you fuck shit up.”
“You done?” For as big as Luca is, he doesn’t intimidate me. Theo and his special ops guys are bigger and badder. Especially Nix. That guy could crush any of us with his bare hands.
Standing face to face, I see the curtain in Hope’s window slide to the side, and when she sees me staring, she quickly let’s go.
“No, I’m not fucking done. Stay the fuck away from her. My sister deserves better than you or any other asshole.” He seems to deflate when I don’t share in his anger.
There’s no point in fighting the man. That will only upset Hope even more and push her further away from me. Not my goal. I want her as close as possible. As soon as possible.
“What happened last night shouldn’t have. My ex came by and decided to be a fucking cunt and gave the completely wrong impression to Hope. But you need to back off, so I can explain that to her.”
“Shit. Really?” Luca becomes less hostile now. “Why do they always gotta do that?” I don’t believe his muffled words are for me.
“Beats me. But they sure like to ruin the good things in life.” Stepping around him, I knock on Hope’s door, needing her to answer. After ten minutes of knocking, calling her name, and looking like the world’s biggest fool but not caring, I give up. For now. I won’t ever stop. I just need to figure out the right strategy.
“Will you give this to her?” I hand Luca the flowers, shake, and food. “I just need to know she’s alright.” Luca nods and unlocks the door, spending less than a minute inside before coming back out.
“She said, thank you.” I nod.
“Is there something I need to know about her, Luca?”
“Nothing I’m allowed to say.” I really dislike that answer.
“I could run her name through the system.” I won’t, but I have to know something. “There’s something with the way she reads emotions, right?” His eyes widen at my question, but he doesn’t answer, only confirming my suspicions.
“Give her a day. If you’re serious about her, Reed, don’t stop trying because she needs someone dependable. I can only give her so much.”
Shaking his hand, I feel like I have an ally in the man as I head inside my own house and putter around until exhaustion has me face down in bed.
Hope
I’m weary for so many reasons, in so many ways. My heart continues to cramp whenever I think about Reed, and all I can see is his lips on that woman’s. It’s like a broken movie reel that keeps flicking the same image in my mind, over and over. I can’t make it stop no matter how hard I try.
After staying in the shower until the water turned cold, I was sick on and off all night. I missed Luca’s calls several times. When he showed up this afternoon and saw the pathetic state I was in, still lying in bed, in a damp towel, he nearly called an ambulance.
It took several hours before I confessed what had me so distraught, and he wanted blood. Knowing my brother as well as I do, I could see the rage fuming in his narrowed gaze and the tight lines of his face.
For a while, I was worried about Reed.
Luca took to making me some soup and tea in order to settle himself down. After ensuring I was comfortable, he built the bookshelf without question and asked if I wanted to go shopping for baby furniture. I turned him down because I was just too emotional to handle the crowds.
With a promise to make plans early next week because he has to go out of town for the weekend, he left, only to sit on Reed’s porch and wait for the man to come home.
The second I heard Reed’s truck pull up, I tried to stop myself from looking, but I pulled the curtains back, and his gaze immediately captured mine. The butterflies in my belly exploded, and my heart beat so hard in my chest, I felt it in my ears.
Dropping the curtain back in place, I can’t hear what they’re saying, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. After a few minutes, Luca returns with a beautiful bouquet of colored daisies and a bag from MShack. My mouth instantly begins to water.
“He needs to know you’re alright, Hopeless. The guy is hurting.” I frown, recognizing something in his eyes that makes him feel for Reed when I’m the one heartbroken.
“So am I, Luca.” I look down at the flowers, wanting desperately to tell Reed how pretty they are. But I hold firm and stay where I am. “Tell him I’m fine.”
I lock the door as soon as I hear it close. I need the barrier right now. Settling on the couch with my food, tears spring to the surface when I pull out the large vanilla shake, just like I ordered the other night.
Hitting play on the remote, I watch with keen interest as I eat while the computer-generated tutorial points out the emotions in a person’s face. I’ve watched these videos for half my life, and still, I routinely misjudge how a person is feeling. I need to believe that if I could just be normal, then I wouldn’t feel how I do now.
Today, I read over and over about breakups, and I’m convinced what I felt last night, and still do today, is heartbreak. Maybe some fear. And loneliness. If what I read about loneliness is true, then that’s my primary emotion, and it makes me sad.
I don’t know why I’m like this. Doctors have always said there are wires crossed in my brain and no way to reverse it. I’ve had to find a way to live with it my entire life; I’ve never resented it as much as I do right now.
I want to be normal.
To fall in love.
To know love when I experience it.
Instead, I suffer through, pretending to be something, someone, I’m not.
5
Reed
Sitting on the porch of my captain’s cabin as I wait for Theo and Lola, I’m reading some mystery paperback that I don’t remember a single detail of. I’m sure I’ve been reading the same page since pulling it out.