An image of Reed flicks across my eyes before I can stop it, and I have to shake my head.
“A little girl,” I murmur, reaching a hand to touch the screen where I see her moving slightly.
“Do you want pictures?” I immediately nod, and the doctor hits a button. “I’ll give you a couple of minutes to get dressed and then meet you out front with them.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
As she closes the door, I sit up and hold my hands to my burgeoning belly. I’m having a girl. I can only imagine the excitement Leslie and Miles would have felt. They would have been happy with either, so long as the baby was healthy.
“I wish they could have gotten to meet you, sweet pea.” She moves at my words, and I like to think she recognizes my voice. I talk to her enough.
After getting dressed, I text Luca to tease him about knowing the sex. I know he’s on a bounty and won’t answer me for a while, but I hope he’ll be happy too.
Gathering the sonogram photos and pamphlets for some single parent groups, I head out to my car then stop off for the Chinese food I promised Reed in exchange for him building the shelf I didn’t really need but have now decided to put in the baby’s room. I also decide that I must tell him about the baby.
I can’t in good conscience continue on with him until he knows. I’m certain he’ll decide I’m not worth the trouble, and that’s okay. Not many men would sign on for a child that isn’t theirs, let alone one that isn’t the mother’s either. It’s a complicated situation, and for both of our sakes, he needs to know.
I’m pulling into my driveway a few minutes later and see a car parked in front of Reed’s side of the house. I hesitate for a minute before making my presence known, just in case he has company. Then deciding that he knows I'm coming, I knock on the door. I can let him know I have the food, and if he needs to cancel, that's fine.
I can hear Reed’s angry voice inside, followed by the door opening. A woman greets me, and I push back the emotion crawling up my throat.
“Carla,” I hear Reed growl out as he storms closer.
When she grabs the bags from my hands and purrs, “Oh, sweetie, you ordered dinner. How thoughtful.” I feel sick at the use of a pet name.
Something flickers across Reed’s face as he reaches us, but the woman pulls him down for a passionate kiss as she slams the door in my face.
I feel…
Cold.
Like I’ve been sucker-punched.
Turning on my heel, I slowly walk back to my house and quickly unlock the door. Quietly closing it behind me, I triple lock it and shed my coat.
Shivering, I head upstairs, stripping my clothes off as I go, intent on having a hot shower.
My emotions are on overload, and panic is sluggishly creeping in as the water begins to run just as soon as I hear Reed pounding on the door and calling my name.
Ignoring him, I need to focus on me.
Five minutes ago, I felt nothing but happiness and excitement. Even having decided to tell Reed about the baby, I didn’t feel like I do right now.
The worst part is not always understanding what I feel.
I know happiness because I was taught about it. It’s one of the most common emotions. Anger and panic go hand in hand in my life, and I can sometimes identify them after they’ve consumed me. Excitement, though? It’s so new for me, and now that I’m finally able to experience it without question, it’s been quickly extinguished by this crushing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
But this? Right now? What I feel inside my soul. That cramps my heart and makes it hard to breathe?
What is this?
I don’t want this. I never want to feel it again.
4
Reed
My eyes burn as I chug the coffee Colby forced into my hands while he barks orders at the crime scene we’re currently working. A break and enter that could have turned out much worse. The family wasn’t home, thankfully. However, their house was gutted and destroyed. Someone was looking for something quite specific.
I spent most of the previous night sitting on Hope’s porch, waiting, hoping she would have mercy on me. But she never opened her door. Didn’t answer my calls, and I filled up her voicemail. She didn’t reply to any of my texts either.
As I was leaving, her brother Luca arrived with a scowl on his face, so I get the feeling he knows how badly I screwed up.
“You’re scaring the techs, man.” Colby nudges me with his elbow, and I see some of the crime scene techs shooting worried looks my way.
“I’m gonna take a walk,” I tell him and exit out the door.
After hours of cataloging their missing items from the house, the family is back at the station giving a statement. There isn’t much more that can be done here. Patrol officers are canvassing the neighborhood. Talking to residents. And if they find someone who might have seen or known something, they’ll call me, and then it’s a whole new set of interviews to conduct.
All I can do right now is think about how horrifically I've fucked up with Hope. I’m not like my brother Theo, secure in knowing for so long who his wife would eventually be. I never really looked for that forever kind of love. I have contemplated it but never actively searched for the right girl.
Then she moved in next door, and from the second she smiled at me, I knew she was going to be mine. If only I could stop screwing up long enough to convince her of that.
“Hey, techs are almost finished. Let’s go talk to the family again. The teenage son was a little skittish when we spoke to him.” Colby shares his suspicions after coming down the front steps.
“You noticed that, too, huh?” The boy couldn’t hold eye contact, and when we asked what he was missing from his room, he simply shrugged and brushed us off. “What do you wanna bet, he had some friends do it while they were all out?”
“Yup. Drugs or women?”
“Probably both,” I reply as we hop in our squad car. Colby drives us back in silence until we’re about a block away from the station.
“You want to share what’s going on with you today? You’ve never been so indifferent.” His observation is correct. I would have called the kid out on his odd behavior any other day.
Carla is all I have to say for him to understand.
“What the fuck did she do?”
Shaking my head, I close my eyes and slam my head against the seat rest before answering him. “Showed up at my place last night. Hope came over with dinner, and the bitch kissed me while slamming the door in her face.”
“Shit, man. Seriously?” I nod. “How are you going to fix it?”
“I have no fucking idea. I spent all night on her doorstep. She isn’t answering my calls or texts. I’m not even sure what I can do at this point.” Blowing out a breath, I wait for his response.
“It’s barely been a day. Give her a bit of space and try again tomorrow with flowers and chocolate. Works with Till.”
“Hope’s not like that, man. If I give her a day, she’ll say fuck me and carry on with her life. I can’t risk that, and I don’t think she wants me to. There’s something about her that’s off. Different. Like one minute we’re laughing and talking, and then there’s this silence, and she’s hesitant to do anything. Hell, the first time I spoke to her, I made her cry because I said she hurt my feelings, and she thought I was serious.”