“Don't touch me,” I snap.
“Please, Emma, I'm sorry. I just have to ask you a small favor.”
“You want to ask me a favor?” I parrot her words back to her, flabbergasted.
“Please don't tell anyone. This whole thing is so stupid and Alex and I should have never happened. I love my husband and my family. I don't know what I would do if I were to lose that.”
Not knowing how to respond to that, I just walk out.
4
Emma
I keep my tears at bay on the way down the elevator and in the lobby. But as soon as the brightness of the sun hits my face, all the tears come rushing out. They burst out of me and I start to suffocate. Gasping for air, I fold in half and collapse onto the ground.
Someone walks up to me and asks if I'm okay. I see his mouth moving, but I can't hear any of the words because my ears are buzzing so loudly.
“I'm fine,” I keep repeating to myself over and over again.
Eventually, he leaves and others appear, walking around me, clearing me with a six-foot radius. It's almost as if whatever kind of sadness I have, they never want to experience it and would rather not look at me than confront the possibility.
When I'm able to breathe again, I force myself to my feet and then start to walk in the general direction of my office building. Frankly, I have no idea how to deal with this.
I've had girlfriends back in college get cheated on, but it never happened to me. They were upset, of course, and jealous, but I never really understood how they felt until this very moment.
I look at the ground.
Suddenly, I'm standing in quicksand. My head starts to spin and I have to lean against the wall to keep my balance. The whole world tilts on its axis because the things that I knew for certain about my life are the complete opposite of that.
I knew that I loved Alex and that Alex loved me back. I knew that he understood every part of me. I knew that he cared about me in that true way that only someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you would care about you.
What I did not know was that Alex had a secret life.
What I did not know was that Alex was already with someone else when he met me and they stayed together after we got engaged.
He tried to explain it as if it wasn't a real relationship. She's married, and she has another life. But the truth is that he and Jen spend a hundred hours a week together.
How is that not a relationship?
She may be married, but she's also a workaholic, just like Alex.
What they’ve had over the past five years was probably so much more than what Alex and I had.
Take a deep breath.
Comparison is the death of joy. Mark Twain said that and he is right. I'm walking here trying to compare what Alex and I had to what he had with his boss when really it has nothing to do with any of that.
The only things that matter are that Alex lied and that our relationship was not what I thought it was. These lies cut so deep that it makes me question whether or not I can ever come up for air again.
In the meantime, my phone rings and when I look down at the screen, I see that it's Lindsey. She’s probably calling with an update about tonight's festivities.
My throat closes up.
No, no, no.
This is not happening.
What the hell do I do now?
Our engagement party is in a few hours and, in addition to all the Southern California locals who have to brave rush hour traffic to get there, there are people flying in from Seattle, San Francisco, and New York.
The last time that I heard the headcount it was a little bit over 200 people. The guest list got so big that it might as well be the wedding itself, but my mom insisted that no one could be missed.
My phone rings again.
It's Alex.
I don't want to answer, but I don't know what to do about the party.
He starts talking as soon as I press the green button, profusely apologizing for something unforgivable.
“This isn’t why I answered,” I interrupt. “I'm not changing my mind. But we need to discuss the party.”
“What's there to talk about?” he asks after a pause.
“We have to cancel it.”
“No,” Alex says. “Absolutely not.”
“What are you talking about? We're not getting married. The engagement is off.”
“My parents flew all the way from New York to be here and your mom is spending thousands of dollars to host this incredible event for us. We can't just call it off and ruin everyone's night. The least we can do is show up and be there.”
“Are you kidding me?” I ask, pulling the phone away from my ear and actually staring at the screen as if he has lost his mind.
“I'm not going to go to our engagement party with you after what I just walked into.”
“Listen, I'm really sorry about that and I want to make it up to you, but we can’t be so self-centered. We have guests flying in from all over the place to see us and to meet the family.”
“There is no family,” I correct him. “We are not joining our families. This whole evening will be a lie. I can’t believe that I have to explain this to you.”
“I know what you're saying,” Alex says, carefully choosing his words. “But my family is flying in. My parents, my aunt, and my uncle. I can't just tell them that the party is off. Besides, think about your sister and your mom. They put a lot of work into planning this thing and we can’t just cancel it.”
“I’m not talking about this anymore,” I say, shaking my head. “I can't believe that I'm actually having this conversation. I have to go back to work.”
I don't want to be here. I want to go home to my apartment and cry onto my pillows. I don't want to see my coworkers, my boss, or anyone else for that matter.
But if I leave now, Corrin will undoubtably notice and use it against me in the future.
“You're late,” she says.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble under my breath.
Corrin’s office is one of the first ones near the elevator and it's impossible to not walk past it.
There's nothing really to say and I already feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down, so I just keep going. My cubicle is on the other side of the hallway and as soon as I see it, I duck inside and bury my head in my folded arms on my desk.
The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur. I wait out the hours by trying to distract myself with Buzzfeed, LA Times, and social media, but nothing seems to take my mind off Alex.
I look through his Instagram, focusing on the selfies that he took with Jen at all of those after work meetings I never knew they had.
Here's them at a bar in Denver.
Here's them at a coffee shop early in the morning before a big presentation for new clients in Jackson Hole.
Was Alex just with me because he couldn't have Jen all to himself?
Was he only with me because she refused to leave her husband and break up her family?
With one hour left, I go to the bathroom and call my mom. I should've called earlier, but I was too afraid that I would start crying in the middle of a phone call.
I take a deep breath and tell myself to be strong. Focused. Determined.