“Actually, it does,” Janice said.
But she seemed too lost in her struggle to make sense of things to have really heard her.
“I can’t help but wonder why,” she said.
I think I know.
“You’re still you, right?”
Janice forced an odd sounding laugh. “I guess so.” She struggled to continue, completely unsure as to what to say, or what she even should say. “I mean, you know there are some things that have changed, but—”
She watched as Carla winced while massaging the back of her neck.
“Your neck bothering you?”
“It’s that damn new couch of Maurine’s. It’s like sleeping on cement.”
“You’re sleeping on the couch? Why?”
“She’s got all that stuff in the spare bedroom.”
“Oh, right.” The boys had moved a bunch of boxes and furniture out of Betty’s basement and into Maurine’s house because Maurine was insisting it be gone through before being given away.
Janice hated the thought of Carla going without a bed, especially now when her grief and exhaustion were at their peak. She knew she hadn’t been eating much, Maurine had informed her, and she did look a little gaunt. But it was the way she was carrying herself that really bothered Janice. She seemed to be weighted down with circumstance and emotion, and her need to intervene and somehow take it all away overcame her.
“You’re more than welcome to stay at my place,” Janice said.
What am I doing? What in the world am I doing?
She was risking everything, most notably exposure, by inviting Carla in. But she couldn’t help herself. Taking that risk, she had to admit, excited her a little, along with the realization that she’d get to spend a lot of time with Carla and have her all to herself.
“Your place? Really?”
“You’d have your own room.”
“What about peace and quiet?”
“There’s an abundance.”
“There’s just been so many people and it’s been nonstop.”
“I can imagine.”
“But I don’t know. Maurine obviously wants me there and she needs me right now. I’d be hesitant to leave.”
Her heart fell and she got upset at herself for getting so excited to begin with.
“Well, the offer stands. You’re always welcome.”
They looked at each other for a long moment, and Janice had the urge to reach out and touch her. Carla spoke, though, interrupting her intention.
“Thank you.”
Janice smiled. “Like I said, there’s no need to thank me.”
“There is.” Carla stepped up and embraced her, and for the second time that day, Janice gasped. The warm, firm press of her body against hers took her breath away, as did the scent of her tantalizing cologne.
“You okay?” Carla had pulled away, but seeing her face so close to hers made Janice’s head spin.
“Mm. Why?”
“You—gasped. I thought maybe I’d hurt you or something. Or that maybe—”
Her heart pounded.
“Maybe what?”
Another wave of what appeared to be sadness visibly washed over her, and Janice almost panicked.
She knows. Oh, my God, she knows.
“Nothing.”
“No, tell me.” She had to know now. She had to know what was going on and where she stood with her. She’d go crazy not knowing.
“I thought you might be uncomfortable with my hugging you.”
Janice blinked, trying to make sense of what she’d said. She couldn’t.
“I don’t understand.”
Carla released her and squinted into the sunshine. “You never really said anything to me after I came out. So, I’ve wondered off and on if maybe you had a problem with me now. With my being gay.”
What?
“Oh, my God, Carla no. I never—there’s no—how could you think that about me?”
“Because you went silent on me. You didn’t even come to tell me good-bye when I left after that.”
“I—”
Couldn’t.
“Whatever,” she said. “It doesn’t matter. You feel how you feel, and you think how you think.”
“Carla, I don’t feel that way. I don’t think that way. I…”
“What?”
“Adore you.”
This time Carla blinked as if she were surprised. And Janice looked away into the sunshine.
“Hey! You two!” Maurine was shouting at them and waving them over. “There’s dessert and I’m not letting either one of you turn it down.”
Carla waved at her to hold her off.
“I guess I was wrong, then,” she said. “I apologize if I offended you. It’s just—well, let’s just say there are some people who do have a problem with it.”
“Well, fuck them, then.”
Carla appeared shocked and then she laughed. “Okay then. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Seriously.”
Maurine called out, demanding their presence, and Carla stepped up to her again and leaned in. She stared into her eyes and then lightly, like a touch from the wings of a butterfly, kissed her cheek.
“Thank you,” she said one last time as she backed away. “For everything. For always.”
Janice grew so hot and dizzy she stumbled for balance.
“You coming, or what?’ Maurine said to her, Carla having already reached her.
Janice did her best to right herself and then walked on air toward her best friend.
Chapter Six
“It’s so good to see ya’ll,” Carla said as she stretched out her legs and leaned back on her hands. The brightly covered blanket she was sharing with her younger cousin Erica was soft and warm from their bask in the sun. “Just wish the circumstances were different. And I wish I would’ve come back sooner.” The last sentence had been hard to say, and she hoped Erica, who had always looked up to her, hadn’t heard the quaver in her voice.
“Don’t do that to yourself, Carla. We’re all here and that’s all that matters. You know that’s all that would’ve mattered to Grandma. And if you think about it, she’s once again the one who brought us together, just as she always did. One last little secret ploy on her part, I reckon.”
“When did you get so grown up?” Carla asked, impressed by her insight. “Weren’t you like twelve day before yesterday?”
Erica chuckled and picked a few blades of grass from her leg. “Hardly. I’m twenty-nine. Thirty’s just around the corner.”
“Oh God, why did you say that? That makes me feel absolutely ancient. Where does time go?”
“It’s a tricky son of a bitch, I’ll tell you that. I remember when I was a kid I used to beg and plead for time to pass quicker. And the more I wanted that the slower it seemed to crawl. It was torturous. Now, though, with the boys, it just flies by and I find myself begging and pleading again, wishing it would slow. But it doesn’t. The hands on the clock keep spinning out of control and the boys keep growing and changing on me, sometimes literally overnight. There’s just no stopping it.”