“I’m obvious?”
“Yes.”
She looked panicked. “You think people know?”
Carla closed her eyes and tried like hell to control her rising frustration. “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just meant you’re obvious to me.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, hoping for some control, thinking about how she’d need to bring some Advil with her into that closet for a preemptive strike on an impending headache.
“So, who is she, Tonya? And how is it you need me to help?”
“I—she’s. She’s my massage therapist.”
“Oh, okay.”
Wow, that could be hot.
She imagined a beautiful woman knocking on her door at home, wanting to come inside to rub her down with hot oil. She palmed her forehead.
I’m delirious. I’m overly exhausted and I haven’t been laid in a very, very long time.
“I don’t know what to do,” Tonya said. “With Mitch and everything.”
Carla laughed, unable to hold it in, and clutched her T-shirt at her chest. All the feelings of betrayal she’d endured when she’d learned of her ex, Megan’s affair, came marching back in.
“You’re cheating on a guy who is like family to me and you think you’re gay and you want me to tell you what to do?”
“Well, I—I was hoping you would know what to do.”
“Oh, good God.”
“If you don’t want to, then say so. You don’t have to be mean about it.”
“Mean? Tonya, last time I was home, you and Mitch were talking marriage. And now you’re coming to me, someone you hardly know, telling me you’re sleeping with a woman and doing so behind Mitch’s back and somehow, you’re expecting me to tell you what to do? Do you know how crazy that is?”
Tonya started to walk away. “Just forget it.”
Ah, fuck. Just fuck. Fuck my life.
And fuck me because I can’t let her go like this.
“Wait,” Carla said. She had to at least try to understand where she was coming from. Even if it did strike a very sensitive nerve in her. Even if Tonya was being ridiculous in expecting someone else to tell her what to do. “Come back.”
Tonya did but she crossed her arms over her chest, obviously pissed off.
“Is this your first time being with a woman?” Carla asked, having removed the attitude from her voice. Being with a woman for the first time was something she could understand. That much was common ground.
“Yes.”
Carla thought back to her first experience. She softened some more as she recalled how she’d felt. How unbelievably powerful and emotional it had been.
“Are you in love with her?”
She seemed shocked at the question and her tough girl gaze shifted.
“Tell the truth,” Carla encouraged. “Otherwise your asking me for advice will have been a big waste of time.”
She pushed out another big breath. “Yes.”
“Okay. So, you want to be with her? Like in a relationship type deal?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love Mitch?”
She reared back a little at that question, like she’d been verbally slapped.
“Yes.” She shook her head, her face twisted. She was obviously very distraught. “That’s why I’m so—”
“Are you in love with him?” Carla asked softly, trying to get her to focus.
She clamped her mouth. Bowed her head. “No, not anymore. Not for a while.”
“Is he in love with you?”
She kicked at the grass. “I think so. He says he loves me.”
“Then, it’s probably safe to say that what you’re doing to him is unfair, right? You’re not in love with him, but he doesn’t know that. All he knows is that he still comes home to the girlfriend he loves every night, thinking she loves him. So to him everything probably seems fine. But it’s not. Because not only are you deceiving him with your feelings, you’re doing so with your body. You’re having an affair.” She swallowed, the words feeling as if they’d come directly from her own broken heart.
“But she’s a woman not a man, so it’s not the same—”
“That doesn’t matter, Tonya. Even though I know that the feelings you’re having in being with a woman are very different from the ones you’ve had with a man, it’s still wrong. It’s still an affair. You’re cheating on him. End of story.”
“But it does matter. It is different. You just said so.”
“I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, especially in coming to me, but I’m not going to sugarcoat what you’re doing just because you’re doing it with a woman.”
“I thought you would understand.”
“I do understand what it is you’re feeling for her, Tonya. I do. And there’s nothing wrong with those feelings. But you need to go explore that on your own and do right by Mitch. He’s human, you know. And he’s a good guy. He deserves someone who wants to be with him just as much as he wants to be with them. Don’t you agree?”
“That’s why this has been hard. I feel bad because I care about him and his feelings.”
“No, you feel bad because you’re cheating on him and you know it’s wrong. That’s why you feel bad. It has nothing to do with his feelings at all.” She had very little sympathy for her in this regard. She’d never understood why people didn’t suck it up and end their relationship before they got involved with someone else. To her, it was beyond selfish.
“I do care. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“If that were true, you would’ve done right by him and ended things the second your fantasies about doing anything with her crossed the line into intentions.”
She turned her back to her and Carla heard her crying.
“I’m not a bad person, Carla. I’m not.”
“No, you’re not, Tonya. I think you got very caught up in your newfound desire for a woman and made some bad choices. Choices that you’ve tried to justify and excuse. But that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re human. Just like everyone else. Everybody fucks up. It’s how you handle things afterward that really shows who you are as a person.”
She cried some more, and Carla gently rested her hand on her shoulder.
“Your woman,” she said. “Does she love you as you do her?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m sure she probably wants to have you all to herself.”
“She does. She’s never been okay with me continuing my relationship with him.”
“Then I don’t think you need me, Tonya. I think you know what it is you need to do.”
“I have to face this, don’t I? And end things with him. Face-to-face. No matter how bad it may hurt.”
She turned and wiped her tears. “When I do it, you know, break up with him, should I tell him about her?”
“That’s a tough one, Tonya. And something only you can best decide. Because if you tell him, your sexuality will be exposed. That kind of news doesn’t stay secret for long around these parts.”
“No, it doesn’t.”