She rubbed her leg and attempted to keep her voice at a normal octave.
“I didn’t think she’d be able to get here so quickly.”
She’d thought the earliest she’d get there would be early tomorrow morning.
“I didn’t realize,” she said softly, more so to herself as she pictured her in her mind and grew a little dizzy. She’d been reacting to news about Carla a lot since she’d last seen her on that unforgettable Christmas day three years ago. And now, with Betty’s passing, it seemed that even the direst of circumstances couldn’t change the way she automatically responded. “But I’m so glad she’s there with you,” she added, coming back to reality.
“Having her here helps. You know how strong she is,” Maurine said.
Yes, she knew. She was well aware of her quiet strength and her self-assured, yet somewhat subtle confidence.
Among other things.
She blushed.
“How long is she staying?” Her voice shot right back up to what she was sure was an ear-piercing pitch. Thankfully, Maurine didn’t seem to notice.
“She said she wants to stay a while and help us get things settled with Mama’s affairs.”
“Oh. That will be nice. I’m sure she’ll be a big help.” Sure, she was going to be a big help to Maurine and the boys. But what was her presence going to do to her? Better yet, what was it already doing to her?
She hadn’t exactly planned on seeing her again so soon.
“She will,” Maurine said, bringing her back in to focus. “I’m so glad she’s home.”
“Me, too.” Janice sighed.
Shit.
She was convinced she’d just given herself away with her reply. But again, Maurine didn’t seem to notice.
“Listen, I better go,” Maurine said. “They’re gonna come for her soon and I want to sit with her a little more.”
“Okay, darlin’. You’ll let me know immediately when the services are going to be?”
“Probably around Wednesday or Thursday next week.”
She’d be home well before then.
“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” she said. “Try to get some rest, and please, take care of yourself.”
“I will.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, Jay-Jay.”
“Night.”
She pulled back the covers and crawled into the king-size bed. She reached for her book on the nightstand, usually more than eager to read the lesbian romances she’d discovered. But her thoughts kept going to Carla.
Her interest in her wasn’t new, but when it had begun it had been instantaneous and surprising. It had happened during her last visit home, three years before, when Carla suddenly announced that she was gay. Janice had been there, sitting right across from her at the dinner table along with the rest of the Sims family and she couldn’t forget the way her declaration had penetrated and flooded her heart. An unforeseen excitement had come from down deep inside and she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since. Carla’s lesbianism had fascinated her, and she’d nearly gone insane with the constant imaginings of her being romantically intimate with women. Those thoughts had consumed her and eventually led her to an exploration of sorts. The freedom of living on her own after her divorce had made her secret quest for information quite easy and she’d learned some very interesting things about herself since.
Some very, very interesting things.
But what it all ultimately meant, she didn’t know. For the time being she’d just been enjoying her exploration and allowing herself to dream without the complication of deeper or further contemplation. And until now, living that way had worked. Now, however, the subject of those thoughts and dreams was back, and soon Janice would have to interact with her.
“My God, I have to stop this.” Frustrated, she tossed the book on the nightstand and switched off the light. “What am I going to do?”
She had to make being supportive of Maurine and the Sims family her main priority. She couldn’t be caught up in herself and her attraction to Carla. But that’s exactly what she was worried about. The woman she’d been fantasizing about for three years was going to be right in front of her, in the flesh.
How am I going to feel? React?
Think?
Will I be able to control any of those things, and more importantly, hide them from others if I somehow can’t?
This was what happened when you lived in the moment and avoided thinking about anything beyond it. If she had, she would’ve reined in her imagination, or at the very least, kept it better corralled, knowing that someday soon Carla would eventually return. That would’ve been the wise, cautious thing to do. Under any other circumstance, that’s what she would’ve done. But this had been different. It had thrown her for a loop. And she’d felt like, for the first time in her life, she deserved to feel good, without any rules or concerns about the future. After all, no one knew, so what was the harm?
This is the harm.
Carla was there and someone dear to them all had died. Completely unexpectedly. A hard punch to the gut.
She was not prepared for either.
Somehow, she was going to have to face them both together.
I need to think.
Just calm down and think.
She breathed long, deep, and slow, and soon she began to relax.
Carla’s image seeped into her thoughts like a sneaky liquid elixir. Too quick and too euphoric to fight, though she knew, somewhere down deep, almost too deep to even comprehend, that she should. But her mind and body were limp with the sedation of anticipated dreams.
Blissfully helpless, she stared up into the darkness just as she’d done so many nights before and freed her mind, letting it go to where it wanted to be most.
To Carla.
Chapter Four
Carla sat with her head in her hands on Maurine’s couch. The sofa was relatively new, and the deep maroon went well with her recently redecorated living room. Or so Carla had been told anyway. And according to Maurine, so did the newly reupholstered armchair with the flower print. Carla took her word for it. Maurine’s creativity and pension for decorating were what made her such an excellent floral designer at their great-uncle Floyd’s flower shop. It seemed, however, as Carla glanced around, that her compulsion to decorate and arrange knew no bounds.
Carla sighed. Even if she had been into decorating like Maurine, she still wouldn’t be a fan of the new sofa. The damn thing had been doubling as her bed, and her backache and stiff neck were what she had to show for it. A good night’s rest had yet to pay her a visit. But her discomfort was really the last thing causing her concern.
She glanced at her watch, the one her grandmother had given her when she’d graduated from Arizona State. She’d been so excited on that warm desert day when she’d handed her the small wrapped box. Carla had opened it slowly, wanting to cherish the moment, so touched and grateful that her grandmother had made the trip out west for her special day.
“I hope you like it. I already set it to Arizona time. Since I know this is where you want to be. Where you’re the happiest.”
She closed her eyes and forced the memory from her mind. She couldn’t cry again. Not right now.
“Maurine, you about ready?” What was taking her so long? Though Maurine was borderline obsessive about the appearance of her home, she’d never been overly obsessive with her own appearance. Carla had always assumed it was because she simply didn’t need to primp. Her beauty was all natural. Carla almost asked her what the hold up was but she stopped herself, the answer already apparent.