CHAPTER ONE
‘But Lucy, you can’t just leave!’
My best friend, Amber, stares from me to the camper van I’ve just abandoned at a skewed angle in her driveway.
‘Yes, I can. And I need to go now.’ I clench my hands into fists to stop them trembling. ‘I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.’
‘But your face!’ She’s staring at my cheek bone in horror. ‘What the hell happened? At least let me bathe that for you. Please come in.’ She reaches out but I pull away from her at the sound of a car, darting a panicked glance behind me. A black Audi is turning into Amber’s street, creeping slowly towards us, and my insides turn to water. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me to flee, but I’m frozen to the spot.
The car drives on past and I let out my breath.
‘Lucy?’ Amber is staring at me in confusion. ‘Whose car was that?’
‘It was nothing. I just thought for a minute…’ I laugh and shake my head to show I’m fine and not the slightest bit paranoid, imagining my Dad’s live-in girlfriend was coming after me. ‘Just ignore me. I think I’m going mad.’
I’m losing my marbles. Away with the fairies. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Amber’s concern deepens. ‘You’re not crazy, Lucy. You’re just grieving for your mum. And the fact that Eleanor moved in with you and your dad so soon after they met…that would be really tough on anybody.’
I swallow hard. ‘She makes Dad happy. That’s why I’m leaving. I don’t want to spoil his chance at happiness by…by being a gooseberry in that house. Getting in the way.’
‘I can’t imagine your lovely dad would think that for a minute.’
I stare at her unhappily. No, but Eleanor does.
There’s so much about my life this past year, since Mum died, that Amber doesn’t know about – partly because I took to my room shortly after Mum died and Eleanor moved in, and I didn’t want to see anyone, even my best friend. Also, that time coincided with Amber moving in with her boyfriend, Mark, so she was happy and excited, buying furniture and making plans, and I didn’t want to rain on her parade by unloading all my worries onto her…
The stabbing pain in my face is getting worse, and without warning, stars start exploding in my head. Seeing me wobble, Amber catches me, taking my arm and pulling me over the threshold. I hear a rumble of thunder in the distance, and as I relax for a moment into Amber’s careful hug, as she avoids the open wound on my cheek, the dark, threatening clouds overhead seem to be a reflection of the turmoil inside my head.
How am I going to do without my best friend?
‘I’ll come in for a minute,’ I murmur, and she guides me into the living room, steering me right to the sofa as if she’s worried I might evade her and dodge back to the van. She wants to look at my injury straight away, but I plead with her to sit down first.
And then it all tumbles out – the whole story, right from the beginning, the worry about my state of mind and the gradual realisation that I needed help. Amber listens, squeezing my hand from time to time, her look of concern turning into amazed disbelief by the end.
‘God, Lucy. You poor thing. Why on earth didn’t you tell me all this before?’
I shrug helplessly, searching her face for a sign that maybe she thinks it’s perfectly normal, after losing your mum, to behave erratically and have weird thoughts. But all I see is a best friend’s deep concern for my delicate mental state.
I should never have told her.
‘You think I’m losing it, don’t you? Just like Dad does. He wants me to see a doctor. He thinks I need help to get over Mum’s death. You think all this stuff’s in my imagination.’
Her hesitation is barely perceptible. But I notice it and my heart sinks.
She shakes her head firmly. ‘No, of course I don’t think that. I think…you’re still in a bad place, which is completely understandable. You and your mum were so close. And the situation at home isn’t helping. Not one bit.’ She pauses. ‘Wait there. I’ll get some frozen peas to put on your face.’ She disappears and I stare at the floor, a dead feeling inside. I guess that was Amber’s gentle way of saying she agrees with Dad…that I need help…
And the thing is, they’re probably right.
Dad and I have always been close. I trust him with my life, and if Dad thinks I need help, then I know I do.
When Mum died, a darkness took over my mind. It was subtle at first. Anxiety meant I found it hard to leave the house, so I was spending more and more time alone in my room, avoiding everyone, even Amber. Dad was worried. He said things would get better, but they didn’t. The scrambled thoughts, the forgetfulness and the panicky feelings just seemed to get worse.
Now, the darkness in my head has grown so all-pervasive, it scares me.
Especially since I’ve started seeing things that aren’t actually there…
I shiver, thinking of the latest episode. All those spiders – dozens of them - that I told myself realistically couldn’t possibly be there. But no less terrifying when you have a fear - bordering on a phobia - of those eight-legged insects.
Afterwards, all I could think was that grief over Mum had made me crazy, so that I could no longer distinguish between what was real and what was imagined…
Amber is back with the bag of peas. She hands it to me and I press it gingerly to my face as she fusses around, looking for antiseptic cream. ‘Come and live here with us, Lucy, if you can’t face going back there,’ she says at last, as she gently dabs cream onto the broken skin and applies a plaster.
Her kindness makes me smile, jarring the wound. ‘Ouch! And be a gooseberry here instead? I don’t think so. You and Mark have only just moved in together. This is now officially a love nest.’
She shrugs. ‘So? Mark won’t mind.’
I shake my head. ‘I need a fresh start. Away from North London. Away from Shellbury Lodge. Somewhere lovely and peaceful.’ Where I can get rid of all the horrible confusion floating around inside my head…
‘But where?’
‘The seaside?’ I shrug. ‘It doesn’t matter. Anywhere. I just need to get away from here.’
‘But it’s your home.’
I look at her sadly. ‘Not any more.’
‘I think your dad would disagree with that.’
I stare at her, tears filling my eyes, remembering that last conversation with my darling dad. ‘You know what, Amber? I don’t think he would. He’s reached the end of his tether with me.’
She looks at me sadly. ‘You know, the teenage Lucy I first knew would never have run away when the going got tough. She’d have stayed to fight.’ She smiles. ‘Remember our pledge?’
I nod, a smile breaking through. ‘I will have faith in myself and I will never give up trying to make my dreams come true.’
A wistful look spreads across her face. ‘We were only fourteen, but I think we might have been onto something there.’
A sigh escapes, thinking of how confident I was fifteen years ago when Amber and I made that pledge. All my life, I’ve been bold and colourful, just like my fiery red, curly hair. I’ve never been scared to speak up and defend myself. I defended Amber, too, when she was the frightened victim of school bullies. That was how we first became friends.