Abbie is the first to notice me. She looks fabulous, as always, in a leafy green dress and expensive-looking boots. Apparently, her family are dripping in money and it looks good on her. Unlike me, standing here in a tracksuit. Feeling like I don’t belong amongst the expensive furniture and top-of-the-range appliances that were chosen by someone else. I wonder whether Maggie had a hand in decorating this place. Or worse still, Olive.
Abbie’s smile is just as impressive as her clothes, brightening her face. It’s dampened with a hint of sympathy when she sees me enter the room. Her expression reinforces my self-doubt.
‘There you are Laura,’ she says, walking over to my side, taking my arm with both hands and pulling me over to the group. ‘I hope you don’t mind us calling in but Noel has to leave for Dublin and he insisted on seeing little Shay before he left.’
‘No problem, thanks for calling.’ The subtle smell of floral perfume hovers in the air as my eyes search out the magazine on the countertop with the cards hidden beneath it. It’s still there and from what I can remember, I was so fraught with fear, it’s still in the same position that I left it. I move from Abbie’s grasp in the direction of my baby. Maggie jumps up from where she’s sitting, close to the crib.
‘Now, you sit down, my dear. It’s time for you to rest. I’ll make you whatever you want.’ She walks over to my side.
Maggie has arrived with a full face of makeup, which she moves close to mine, her eyes calculating my appearance. She’s probably thinking, she could have put on a bit of lippy.
‘What would you like?’ she says.
I’d like you all to leave. ‘Just a cup of tea, thanks.’
‘Tea it is, so.’ Maggie fills the kettle and stands waiting for it to boil. My heart is thumping hard in my chest, watching Maggie’s every move as she hovers close to the magazine. I pray to God she doesn’t lift it. If she sees the cards, she’ll want to read them.
‘The baby is great.’ Noel’s loud, deep voice echoes through the room, distracting me. He’s standing with his hands on his hips, staring into the crib. ‘Can’t wait until he’s out on the pitch kicking ball. Let’s hope he’s better than his father.’ Everyone laughs.
‘And his godfather.’ Conor says.
Noel turns to look at Conor. ‘What?’
‘Yes, I was hoping you’d be godfather to Shay.’
Noel takes a few steps forward and hugs Conor. His eyes are wide with surprise. ‘What?… I’d be honoured, Conor. Thanks.’ The two men embrace, and I’m left gobsmacked.
What is Conor doing? I don’t want Noel to be the godfather. To be forever tied to our family. I don’t trust him and I don’t want him teaching Shay to be violent on the pitch like he is. One time he broke a poor guy’s leg. I was there, it was no accident. He did it on purpose but of course not one of the fifteen hundred people who live here in Ballycall thought it was his fault.
Maggie’s all smiles as she puts a cup of tea into my shaking hand. I’m doing my best not to cry here. I know I’m an outsider. But surely I should have a say in my own son’s future.
Chapter Six
‘But you said you were going to ask your cousin Aidan to be godfather.’
‘I know but I changed my mind. I hardly ever see Aidan. Noel is always around. He’s been my buddy since we were kids.’
The house has emptied out. Olive was first to go, promising to be of any help she could to me. Why does everyone presume I need help? Then Noel and Abbie left, leaving only Conor’s mother to annoy me. Thankfully she had plans to meet a friend for lunch in the village, so we didn’t need to throw her out this time.
‘You should have told me, Conor. We should have discussed it.’
‘I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this, Laura. I never objected to you asking Amanda to be godmother.’
‘I’m not making a big deal. I just wish you had discussed it with me first. I thought that’s what we did.’
Conor walks over to where I’m standing by the crib and puts his arm around me.
‘I know Laura, you’re right, I should have discussed it with you first, but to be honest, I hadn’t really thought it through myself. I just got carried away in the moment. There was Noel, delighted with our new arrival, talking about Shay playing football with us in the future. I haven’t heard from Aidan in a long time. Not even a text to congratulate us. So I just reacted. Does it really bother you?’
What can I say? Yes. I don’t like the guy. It’s not like it would change anything except make things uncomfortable for Conor.
‘It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m sorry I reacted like I did, it’s probably just the hormones.’
Shay smacks his lips together. He is so cute I could swallow him. Bending over to pick him up, I feel his heat against my face and take a deep breath to savour this little beauty.
‘When did you last feed him?’ I say.
‘Mam fed him at about ten, so…’ Conor looks at his watch. ‘He’ll be due between one and two maybe.’
I cringe when I hear him say his mother was feeding my baby. I’m losing control here. I’m going to have to get my act together.
‘And did you change him?’
‘Mam changed him straight after.’
No more extra pills, Laura.
The sound of feet shuffling past the window grabs my attention. I look out and see Pat walking by. Pat is an old friend of Conor’s father and has been living on this land for as long as anyone can remember. His small abode is just inside the forest at the end of the garden. It seems wrong to call this vast expanse a garden. In the city a garden has an end. Usually quite an abrupt one. But here it just seems to go on and on and on.
Grabbing a blanket from the crib, I wrap it around Shay before opening the back door.
‘Hi Pat,’ I say, standing in the doorway. He stops and turns to look at me. ‘Would you like to come in?’ Pat walks closer to the house and glances in the window. To my surprise, when he sees Conor inside, he shakes his head slowly from side to side. Not wanting to go out into the biting air, I twist around so Pat can see the baby.
‘This is Shay. It’s short for Seamus,’ I say, bringing a smile to Pat’s face. Shay is named after Conor’s father. Apparently he and Pat were the best of friends. Seamus allowed Pat to live in the small house on his land in return for odd jobs done about the place. It worked well for everyone until Seamus died. Pat was heartbroken; especially when Conor gutted the house and had it remodelled. Eventually Conor went to him, assured Pat nothing would change and that he was welcome to stay in the cottage for as long as he wanted. Over time, Pat settled back in and began doing odd jobs about the place like he had for Conor’s father. He’s not much of a talker but he’s never refused an invitation into the house before.
With his head bent, Pat walks closer to me. Then, removing his cap, he stares at Shay, then he cries and walks away. There’s nothing anyone can do or say because Pat is Pat.
* * *
Leaving for the office to drop the forms back that Olive needed signing, Conor asks if I’ll be okay on my own. He had taken the week off work to be here with me but with Shay arriving early not everything had been in place. Apparently taking time off work is unheard of for Conor and something I’m going to have to work on. I’m not spending my life waiting for him to come home from the office. Or begging him to go on holidays.