He pressed his lips to the place where it should go. “I gave you a ring because I wanted to be with you. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. And…I do want us to live together, but I want to do it right. I want to buy you a nice house, not coop you and the baby up in my tiny apartment or your tiny apartment. I wanted it to be a surprise, but that’s what I’m working on. Getting us a new place…together. I just couldn’t keep it a secret any longer.”
I smiled, though it was small and forced. I couldn’t be sure he was telling the truth, couldn’t be sure he wasn’t trying to charm me as usual. It was so easy for him to charm everyone, it could be hard to tell. He watched me carefully, his eyes darting back and forth between mine.
“Well, thank you, I guess,” I said finally. “Though I’d love to be part of the process.”
He nodded. “Then part of the process you shall be.” He reached for my waist, and I didn't stop him, not as his fingers snaked across my hips, tickling my back until they came to meet in the center. His lips were just inches from mine. “So what do you say? Go away with me?”
“To Rock Island?”
He rubbed his nose against mine. “It’s beautiful there. Like you.”
I felt my face flush, to my own detriment, and I knew he had me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. “Okay.”
An hour later, we were in the car on the way to the getaway he had planned. The car was loaded up with my painting supplies and a bag of clothes and toiletries. Lucas seemed cool and collected, riding with the top down, his hand in mine on the center console. We whipped around a curve and he grinned, always driving too fast for my taste.
“Can’t you just imagine the two of us? Traveling the world? No worries, no pressure, no stress?”
I tensed instantly at his words. “The two of us?”
He darted his gaze my way, his face falling. “The three of us, of course, but for now, two is nice, isn’t it?”
I kept my lips pressed together because I was not sure if it was a true slip or if he’d meant to leave the baby out of the equation. Either way, I wasn’t sure which was worse, forgetting your child or willfully choosing to ignore their existence.
I pulled my hand from his and slid it across my belly, and he moved his hand to the steering wheel. Just like that, the air had shifted. Things were different between us. The baby had done that. Lucas had done that.
Problem was, I didn’t know if things would ever be the same.
I didn’t know if I wanted them to be.
When we arrived at the cabin, we’d ridden most of the way in silence. He seemed to be either blissfully unaware of the mood shift or perhaps hoping that I’d forgotten it happened.
Before I unloaded my bag, I grabbed the canvas and paint supplies and headed to the edge of the cliff behind the cabin he’d rented. It was beautiful there; he was right. The sun was setting just over the horizon, splashing the sky with a beautiful display of oranges, pinks, and reds. It would look breathtaking in paint, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to capture this feeling forever. If it didn’t sell, whenever I looked at it, I would remember this moment. The thickness of my strokes, the heavy paint I’d apply would always be indicative of the anger swelling in my chest right then.
Yet still, I painted. I propped up the easel and set the canvas on it, pulling out my oil paints and my apron. Lucas didn’t follow me, and I realized he must not have been as oblivious as I thought. He knew my paints calmed me down, and he knew I needed the space.
I splashed the first bit of paint on the canvas, moving my brush to-and-fro to create the place where the yellow of the sky met the green of the earth.
I was lost in my painting, my worries seeming to fade away when I felt hands go around my waist, sliding around to cup my belly. He surrounded me with his body, his face resting near my ear. “Just wait until the little guy is big enough to bring out here and go fishing with his old man.”
I pressed my lips together, rejecting the smile that tried to grow on my lips. “Or little girl.”
“Or little girl,” he conceded, stepping back and attempting to spin me around. I obliged, though I was right in the middle of a critical stroke in my work. If it dried for too long, it wouldn’t work as I’d planned.
“I’m sorry, Lainie. Honestly. I’m a screw-up, okay? I’m really trying here, but…I’m going to mess up occasionally. It’s not because I don’t care, but it’s truly just that I never had someone show me the right way to be a dad. Hell, I didn’t even have someone to show me the wrong way.”
“It’s no excuse, Lucas. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen a good dad in your life. I know you didn’t have one, but that’s not going to be your get-out-of-jail-free card every time you do the wrong thing here. I won’t allow you to use that and hurt me or hurt our child.” I was shaking with adrenaline. It was what had been swimming in my head for so long. “You have to decide if you want to do this. If you’re all in. Because if you’re not, I get it. I won’t force you. I won’t ask anything of you. But you have to decide now because I can’t be on this roller coaster any longer.”
He swept me in his arms, cradling me in a hug, and I hated the tears that welled in my eyes. “I’ve already decided, I told you that. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to raise our baby. You’re just going to have to whip me into shape.” He laughed, his breath hot on my ear.
“I can do that,” I agreed, pulling away from him, but not too far.
He stared at me, his dark eyes meeting mine then traveling to my lips. He lowered his mouth to mine cautiously, his lips parting in what seemed like slow motion. I closed my eyes, wrapping one arm around his neck and pulling him to me. My body filled with warmth, with love, and with hope.
I wanted this to be right. I wanted to feel like he was telling the truth.
Somehow, despite it all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t. That, once again, I was being lied to. That I’d just strapped myself in for the latest ride on the roller coaster that was my life with Lucas. Why did I keep doing this to myself? Why did I let his dimples and dark eyes suck me in every time? I’d lost myself in him, and as much as that terrified me, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Chapter Thirteen
Naomi
When Lucas returned from his trip Thursday evening, I was at the door, already dressed and ready to go. I was sure he’d forgotten our plans the moment he saw me. The smile fell from his face and he raised his sunglasses from his eyes.
“Everything okay?” he asked, stopping in his tracks.
I swallowed. It was the first we’d spoken in person since our fight, and I wasn’t sure where we stood. What I did know was that we didn’t have time to worry about it.
“You’ve forgotten,” I said, forcing out a breath. “We’re supposed to be meeting my parents for dinner.”
“Shoot,” he said, glancing at his watch. “No, I hadn’t forgotten. Not entirely. Give me just a few minutes to clean up, and I’ll be ready.”
“We have twenty-six at most, or we’ll be late,” I reminded him.