I don’t blame the mom, Haley said. We all looked at her. She shrugged. I’d be pissed if I caught my daughter with you.
I’m a good guy. You can trust me with your daughter.
Maybe you, Richard. But Max, if I see you around my daughter, I’m definitely getting my shotgun.
We laughed.
Not so fast, Haley. Before you take shotgun, you should try the back seat with me.
You’re a creep.
Max lifted his hands, innocent. The last girl didn’t complain.
He was being an asshole. But Haley was asking for it. She had already called him an asshole like three times. You couldn’t do that with Max. He was like a pit bull: once he latched on, he would never let go. After I told him pussy dick wasn’t a word, he’d started saying it all the time, he said it so much that we all said it now.
I wanted to get Max off Haley. I wanted to get her away, outside, take her home. But she was a pit bull, just like him. She wasn’t letting go, either.
The one who was totally out of it? she asked.
She was totally out of it, Richard agreed. Max shrugged again.
Then Haley’s voice changed. “You didn’t.” She narrowed her eyes at Max.
Didn’t what? Max said. And he kind of licked his lips.
“That’s disgusting.”
Relax, Haley, I didn’t bone her, Max said.
She stood up. “Can someone who’s not Max give me a ride home?”
I will, I said, and stood up quickly. Maybe too quickly. Everyone looked at me. Max smirked.
Haley looked away. “I gotta go to the bathroom first.”
I sat back down and said okay. Haley was already walking away. Everyone waited until she was out of earshot to laugh.
Max got her all worked up.
You’re welcome, Nick.
What?
She’s all worked up, she’s ready.
Shut up, pussy dick.
Maybe you’ll get luckier than Max did.
We all laughed.
Who says I didn’t get lucky? Max said.
You did.
I said I didn’t bone her.
Oh, fuck off.
Swear to God. Max reached over and took a creamer packet out of the little dish in the center. I sat in the back seat with her. She needed someone to keep her sitting up straight. He looked sideways at Richard. And to help her get her panties off. We heard the sound of the wrapper peeling off the top of the creamer, because none of us were breathing. Max tilted his head back and drank the cream like a shot of Jäger.
No shit, we said.
Max wiped cream off his mouth and smiled. Swear to God, soft as melted butter. Poor Richard sitting up there had to just smell it.
Not true, Richard said.
I knew it, everyone said. Max, you’re full of shit.
Richard was looking out the window.
Richard, come on, Max said. We’re among friends. We can tell them what happened.
Yeah, Richard. You can tell us.
What happened, Richard said, is I stopped the car and beat Max’s ass.
Richard don’t take no shit, Ham said, and we all laughed. Max held his hand up to stop us.
It’s true, he said. Richard was angry. And rightly so! I was being an asshole. We all watched Max. Even Richard was watching him. So I said, “Come get a piece of her, too.” Max smiled at us, looking around. He spread his arms and lifted his hands, like a king. I always save some love for the team.
No. We waited for the punch line. But Max just looked at Richard.
We waited.
Max said, You guys think Richard is a complete gaywad, but I know the truth. We went behind the 7-Eleven, parked in a dark corner. Right, Richard?
Richard looked out the window. Yeah, he said
Then Haley was back at the table. “Parked in a dark corner for what?”
Everyone shut up.
“Seriously?”
We looked at each other. We burst out laughing. How could we help it? Even I laughed. It was too much. To smoke some extremely stanky weed, Max said, and this made us laugh harder.
Haley turned and walked out of the restaurant. I got up and followed her. Everyone gave me a thumbs-up behind her back.
They told me the rest later. How the waiter interrupted, said our unlimited coffee refills had run out, he was going to call the cops if we didn’t get out. How Dave said, Unlimited coffee can’t run out, that’s a paradox. They all laughed but it was no use. The waiter was not gonna budge. They were just about to get up and leave when Richard suddenly ordered pancakes for the table, a large stack for everyone.
How the waiter hesitated. “You have to pay first,” he said, his voice rising. “You have to pay before I bring them.”
How Richard whipped out a credit card, defeating the waiter, which maybe, more than anything, made us think the whole story with Max and Richard and the private school girl might actually be true.
So they told the whole story over pancakes. Richard had climbed into the back seat, and they had both fingered her. The guys still didn’t believe it, but then Richard said that he was going to eat her out, but he found a piece of toilet paper stuck in her pubes. That’s when everyone knew the story was true. We were all bullshitters, but who would make that up?
I was nervous walking to the car, there were still some chunks on the front wheel from when I’d gotten sick earlier. But luckily Haley just walked right to the passenger side. I realized too late that I should have opened her door for her. Instead I just hit the automatic locks and she got in.
On the ride home we didn’t talk much. At one point she said, Max is a douchebag, huh? I laughed and agreed. It felt good. Then we were quiet until I pulled onto her street.
Her house was dark, just a single lamp on in the front window. She said, Uh-oh.
Are you in trouble?
Don’t worry about it, she said. She paused, her hand on the door, her purse in her lap. She bit her lip. I felt like I should kiss her, but I wasn’t sure, so I made a joke. I could carry you to the front door? I said. Leave you on the stoop? I just wanted to keep talking, but I knew right away I’d said the wrong thing. She looked at me like she’d been catching whiffs of a bad smell for an hour and had only just realized what it was. I thought about the vomit on the wheel of my car. I didn’t know what to say.
Then she was out of the car. She floated up to her house, taking slow, long strides. Her legs were so long. She took fewer steps than seemed possible, her feet barely seemed to touch the ground. I watched her go. It felt like panic but there was nothing I could do. She closed the front door behind her. Then I saw the single lamp go dark.