I sat down in front of him, taking in his expression. Try as I might, I couldn’t read it. “She thinks it might be time for us to see a doctor.”
He stood from his chair in one quick motion, the wooden legs roaring as they scraped against the tile. “No,” he said, walking away from me as he began to pace. “You always do this.”
“Do what?”
“You overanalyze and obsess over everything. It’s been years since you lost weight, and you still count your calories to the single digit. When we went on vacation last summer, you spent two weeks checking destinations before we could choose. Sometimes it’s like you get so focused on one thing, it’s all you can see or think about. I’m sorry, I’m not going to go and see a doctor and get poked and prodded just because things aren’t happening as fast as you’d like. Four months isn’t that long. And, you know, if it’s not happening right now, is that really the worst thing? You don’t need to bring your mother into a decision that’s entirely our own. It’s none of her business.”
“She wasn’t making it her business, Mark. She was just trying to help.” Fresh tears were in my eyes, but I couldn’t bother to bat them away. “Why don’t you just admit it?”
“Admit what?” he asked, his hand rubbing his forehead in frustration.
“Admit that you don’t want a baby with me. You’re only doing this because it’s what I want.”
He froze and dropped his hand. His eyes danced between mine. Finally, his shoulders fell. “Have I ever told you any different?”
I closed my eyes, covering my mouth with shaking fingers. “Your note did.”
“It was what you needed to hear, Han. I wish I could be that guy. I do. I wish I could give you all that you want, but I can’t. I’m not him. I’m not sure I’ll ever be him.”
“What are you saying, Mark? Do you not want to be with me anymore?”
“No, of course not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I love you, Hannah. I’ve…I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. That night you walked into my bar, I’m pretty sure I loved you right then.” He took a step toward me, his voice softer then, all of the anger gone. “But we never talked about kids. I guess I assumed because we didn’t, we were on the same page. I see now that we aren’t, and if kids are going to be a deal breaker for you, then I guess you have a decision to make. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, but I just don’t see kids being part of that. I’m sorry. I should’ve been honest with you from the first time you brought it up, but letting you down is not something I enjoy doing. I wanted to get on board with it, I wanted to convince myself it was something I could learn to love, but I can’t and it’s not. Nothing has changed for me, and I never meant to mislead you, but I know you feel like I did.”
“You were just so quick to want to marry me…I thought we wanted the same things.”
“I know,” he said.
“So, you’re saying if we stay together…kids are off the table.”
He gave a stiff nod. “I need to focus on my career. And our marriage. I just don’t have time for anything else.” His forehead wrinkled with concern as he stared at me, his eyes begging for an answer I couldn’t give. An entire chunk of my future was being ripped from me before my very eyes, and the decision was ultimately mine. Mark or kids? Which meant more to me—my very real husband or my potential children?
“I just…I need some time,” I said finally.
“I understand.” He nodded, picking up my hand from the table. He placed his lips against my knuckle. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I said, more out of habit than anything. With that, he picked up his plate and left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. As soon as he was out of earshot, I let my sobs consume me. It felt like a loss, and I needed to grieve the babies that had become very real to me.
Chapter Fourteen
Her
This is the part where you’re going to judge me. Hate me. Up until now, Mark has been the obvious bad guy, but I’m not faultless in this and I’m willing to admit it. I was wrong. I was so very wrong.
Over the next few days, Mark and I spoke very little. He’d taken to working even later and sleeping on the couch, and we basically only saw each other in passing. I knew I had to make a decision about our marriage and my future, with or without him. It wasn’t fair to keep either of us in limbo any longer than we had to be, but I couldn’t make up my mind. Part of me wanted to admit that I’d never feel whole without children, that they were a part of my plan from the time I’d been old enough to hold a baby doll. That part wanted to leave. The other part of me loved Mark. That was the larger part, if I’m being honest. I guess I thought that eventually, once he felt more sure about his career, he’d change his mind, but I forced myself to think differently. I couldn’t stay with the hope that he’d change his mind. He’d made himself clear. A life with my husband meant a life without kids. Was that something I could commit to? I wanted someone to tell me what to do, to tell me the right choice, but it was impossible. No matter what I did, someone was going to get hurt. In both scenarios, it was going to be me.
After a full two weeks of grieving and feeling numb, I walked into a yoga studio, clad in workout gear that had been packed in the back of my closet for years. I was trying to accept my new life, honestly I was. Yoga had once been a source of great peace for me, and I desperately needed peace.
“Hello.” A woman behind a desk stood up, her hair tucked back in a tight bun. “First time here?”
I nodded.
“Welcome. I’m Shawna, the manager. What sort of yoga are you interested in? We have hot yoga in Studio B or beginners yoga in Studio D. A is empty right now, but there’ll be a more advanced class in about an hour. There’s also rage yoga in the back.” She winked. “We have to keep that class separate from the rest. Also, we offer goat yoga twice a month on Saturdays. It’s a ton of fun. So, what interests you?”
“Oh, um, well…probably just basic—”
“Beginners?” she offered, her voice too cheery.
“Yes, beginners. I’ve done yoga before, but it’s been years.”
“Beginners would be perfect, then. And if you get in there and decide it’s too easy, you can just let us know. It’s super easy to get you swapped. There are no fees or anything for that. Now, let’s just go over some enrollment things quickly before the class starts.” She led me to her desk and pulled out a packet, going over rates and hours before telling me the disclaimers and getting me to sign. I handed over the debit card as she pulled the money for a month’s worth of classes and assured me I would love it there. I had no doubts about that. In what felt like another life, I had loved yoga more than just about anything.
I walked into the studio she directed me toward, pulling the yoga mat from my bag and finding a place near the back in the already crowded room. My gaze danced around the room, taking in the other women clad in their neon spandex. They were the kind of women I’d once been. Up before the sun comes up, workout in, fresh highlights, nails perfectly done. It was like looking into a mirror that took me back in time. As I stared in the actual mirror on the wall, I saw how my dark roots had grown out, quickly replacing the warm hazelnut color of my choosing. I saw the way the bags under my eyes weighed down my face and the way my cheeks, without a hint of blush, looked sallow and sickly. My nails hadn’t been done in months and my yoga clothes were ill-fitting and faded. A younger version of myself would’ve been appalled at the way I’d let myself go in such a short time, but I couldn’t bring this new version to care. I’d grown tired—of what, I wasn’t exactly sure—exhaustion overcame me at the strangest times, and I found myself unable to care about anything anymore, myself included.